Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Great news! I don't have to come in to work anymore!

Many people are either fired because they are incompetent or irresponsible, or they leave work on their own to pursue other dreams and opportunity.  I found unemployment by being laid off today.  I work data analysis for the same place I have been employed for the better part of the decade, and the client I work for ended the business relationship with my company effective mid next week.  The worst part is, I may still find employment there so I can't have an epic last day like I have always planned.

I am not sure how to proceed from here, but I have been able to gain the proper perspective when considering the masses of single mothers with incarcerated husbands, barely employable invalids with noticeable facial deformities, and disagreeable illiterates with passionate views surrounding social conservatism that I work with.  These people are either wailing about their misfortune or greedily rubbing their hands together in anticipation of getting on the government teat, and I sit by the wayside with the assurance that I am a very employable, intelligent asshole with a lot of workplace misery yet to spread around.  But what to do?

My first and obvious choice for employment would be working with children, in any way possible, from daycare to education.  There I could be paid to do what I love, which is screaming at children and making them cry.  Or else I could be a doorman for a nightclub, where I would get to watch drunken frat boys kick each other's teeth down their throats.  Or maybe I could get a job as a Walmart greeter, where I would threaten to sue on hiring practices if refused employment because I am too young, then proceed to sit on my ass and criticize the bovine masses that make up the daily Walmart clientele.

But I could also get extreme.  Maybe move to Mexico and blow sailors for a taste of the daily catch!  Or else find a bridge to live under in Portland and try to establish memories of suffering for a future biography.  Maybe I could just liquidate every possession into enough cash to travel to Europe, get married to a burly spaniard, and father twelve sons to carry on my legacy.  

But we all know that the most likely avenue for me is the futile pursuit of gainful employment, the reluctant acceptance of government aid, a descent into alcoholism and drug addiction, then suicide.  But that, as we all know, is the coward's way out.  Although what better way to leave your job than the way ol' Budd Dwyer did, with a huge mess on the floor?  That guy had style.

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