Monday, March 18, 2013

Dump Diary

Good evening, dear readers. Another treat for you to enjoy, I have five days of flatulence and shitting all detailed. And it might be worth mentioning that if any one of you are employed as a licensed proctologist I would appreciate a professional review of my leavings. But enough of that nonsense, and on to the pooping!


Friday, March 8

There is something about the end of the week that complicates my bowels. It feels like my colon is tied in knots, and if the dry consistency of my dump is any indication, I must be in the throes of some severe dehydration. For the sake of science I decided to fish out the floating mass and crush it between my fingers, revealing a flaky and course texture that seemed dry enough to serve as fire starting material. After thoroughly washing my hands I decided to drink a few glasses of water. Size was a paltry 2.0, but speed of movement and stench both scored high at 4.5.


Saturday, March 10

To add some more data to my experiment I decided today to eat two full cans of corn, then abstain from corn intake and track how long it takes for the kernels to stop appearing in my poo mass. Eating that much corn in a short timeframe is more difficult than it seems, and upset my guttyworks for the rest of the day. At roughly 3pm I emitted a loose coil with the consistency of soft serve icecream. The poo radiated a noticeable warmth from a few inches away but only registered a 2.5 on the stench scale. Size was hard to judge due to the tendency for it to break apart on contact with the water, but speed of movement and ease of cleanup were both low, around 1.0.


Sunday, March 11

I was startled to find the corn was making its way through my system as early as 9am this morning. Clearly regaining some form from the creamy consistency last night, the poo fell out of me in disjointed lumps, not falling apart, but also not entirely solid. Corn was throughout and if washed could pass as undigested. Ease of movement was 3.0, smell was at about a 2.0, but cleanup proved to be a difficult 4.0 due to some entanglement issues with my ass hair.


Monday, March 12

There was not much colonic activity all day, but shortly after 6pm I forced out a loaf that was almost entirely corn. I wonder if I derived any nutrition at all from those cans a few days ago, as very little appeared to be digested at all. Cleanup was an easy 2.0, but it must be said that when I changed out of my underwear for the end of the night I discovered a few escaped kernels that proved I could have wiped better. Odor and size were irrelevant, as it was all corn.


Tuesday, March 13

At work this morning I tried, seemingly in vain, to work out a movement. Although it was mostly flatulence I am certain there was some substance to it, but since I was using an industrial strength handicapped toilet, the evidence apparently slipped down the pipe to never be seen again. The wiping required some effort and a few handfuls of tp that produced an oily residue, good for a 3.0 on cleanup.



Will the corn ever stop? Will a diet rich in dairy cause a change in consistency next week? Find out next time when I give more detail on my dumpies on dump diary!

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