A few days ago I started to track and describe my bowel movements. For science. I am tracking consistency, relative size, production effort, smell, and ease of cleanup all on a 1-5 scale. I promise you that my personal defecation records will be the most interesting and enlightening thing you read today.
Monday, March 4
I slept in until around 9:30 am when the pressure awakened me. Approximately eleven inches of light colored feces in an unbroken and moist chain were produced with little effort, scored at a 4 for size and 2 for effort, respectively. Smell was horrendous due to the protruding iceburg-like posture of the coil, 4.5. After several wasted handfuls of tp I resigned to the shower as the most thorough and practical option, also 4.5.
Tuesday, March 5
Had to shit when I awakened, unable to since I had to go to work. After settling in the office I visited the stall to produce a football-shaped oval of lumpy and dense poo, size rating only 2.0, although the wide midsection bottlenecked and caused a roughly seven minute shitting time, with an effort rating of 3.5. Judging by the red streak running longitudinally through the mass I should have taken more time or eaten more fiber yesterday. Smell almost nonexistent and wiping effort minimal, both at 1.0.
Wednesday, March 6
All day long I could sense the warmth of a burgeoning shit inside me. I worked through the afternoon with anticipation of the ripening in my bowels, but was unable to coax the beast out of me despite the performance of poop calisthenics (deep squats, leg lifts, and crunches). No poo to rate, and overall quite concerning.
Thursday, March 7
My concern deepened this morning when I was still unable to relieve the growing colonic pressure. I worked through the day without time or urge to complete the act. Upon returning home from work I was able to spark the breach by the consumption of two microwave burritos. A risky gamble that paid off. Produced two dark links of poo about eight inches long each, quite quickly. Almost startlingly quick, rating 1.0. Diameter was roughly the girth of a baby's arm and quite solid, rated 4.0. Smell and cleanup were both formidable, necessitating the implementation of both dampened tp and some odor coverup by air freshener and closing the bathroom door, which remained closed for the rest of the evening. Easily both could be rated a steady 4.5.
I will continue tracking my movements for your reading pleasure, and may consider experimental shitting such as documenting "tracer foods" that can be visible post-defecation. Until then, happy shitting!