Wizard Boy and The Special Letter

Wizard Boy has known that he's special since he was a baby.  He remembers moving objects with a thought, making things burst into flame and being able to control the minds of others and absorb their knowledge.  Through absorbing their knowledge this infant discovered that he was special.  So special was he that he knew it was best to remain silent whilst the normal folk persecute him for his previously referred to specialness.  As he grew, Wizard Boy covered his specialosity with Caucasian normality.  He pulls and jerks his limbs and makes the proper mouth noises to hide his secret special and fool the "Soft Brains".

Raised by his wicked Grandmother, Wizard Boy dreamed daily of a place where he could be himself and fit in.  If only there were other people like Wizard Boy.  His Grandmother beat him daily and made him clean her skin folds.  So riddled was she with enormous skin mites that she looked like a great salty pine covered in fetid pine cones.  "You'll be going to Chummly's Academy in the morning!" belched Wizard Boys Grandmother.  "They'll whip you into shape!"  His Grandmother's breath was visible and nasally intrusive.  Hold your breath all you want, it's getting in there.  Chummly's Academy is one of the most dangerous public private schools in the county.  A boy like Wizard Boy would be tasty chum to the violent sharks of the public private school system. 

Wizard Boy has an uncle that s the same age as him and his Grandmother dotes on "Uncle Dumplin" obsessively, much to the abuse of Wizard Boy.  Uncle Dumplin is a large, doughy, slightly retarded youth.  He may be soft in belly but he is cruel at heart.  Uncle Dumplin rejoices in torturing and tormenting Wizard Boy.  Unknown to Uncle Dumplin, when Grandmother is not around, Wizard Boy takes control of his dim witted Uncle and has him put on great feats of gymnastics in the nude.  It is the only exercise the obese Uncle Dumplin gets.

"If only a letter would show up letting me know that they know that I am so special" selfishly thought Wizard Boy.  "Somebody out there must be special like me.".  Sure enough, one day, a letter did come.  Grandma heard the mail slot clank open and screamed for Wizard Boy to retrieve the copious piles of junk mail and porno mags.  But nestled within the smut pile is a shiny purple envelope addressed to ... to... Wizard Boy!?  Our hero's heart almost lept out of his chest.  Could this be the ticket out of his Grandma reeking hell that he has always dreamed of?!

Wizard Boy ripped open his ornate envelope and in bright glittery gold writing he read...

Dear Wizard Boy,

Congratulations on your acceptance to Crotchwarts School of Magic and Specialness.  We know you've always known that you  are special, we know it too.  Because we are special as well.  Do you want to learn how to be more special?  We can teach you how to be even more special, like us.  We eagerly anticipate your reply.  Please send your reply to Crotchwarts@gmx.com to receive your official CrotchWarts Acceptance Certificate!

Sincerly,

Headmaster - Turnbill Filbershimbles
(Order of Shazoom, First Class, Grand Captain, Chief. Rastler,
Supreme TangStabber, International Confed. of  Special People)

Wizard boy could not believe his eyes.  He actually was special!  No matter what his Grandmother said or how hard she tried to stop him, Wizard Boy knew he would attend this school!  TO BE CONTINUED....

Wizard Boy!

Hey kids!  You too can get an official CrotchWarts Acceptance Certificate!  Just send a kind email request to Headmaster Turnbill Filbershimbles at Crotchwarts@gmx.com.  Headmaster Filbershimbles will email you a certificate himself, if he feels that you are special enough.  If you are not special enough, you may just receive a scolding, derisive response along with a rejection certificate.  Good Luck Prospective Students!!

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Unfortunate Albert

 

 There are very few people that ever experience being on the receiving end of genuine hatred.  A small percentage of humanity becomes something so socially and personally unappealing that they are truly untouchable, and inspire nothing but disgust and contempt in their fellow man.  Albert is one of these unlucky few, a true reject in every way.

 

Albert was born as the product of fourth-generation inbreeding, distilling a white trash essence so pure that he never grew teeth as a child, and became a malnourished runt that was far too short for his age.  He remained with a raw, toothless hole until the day his grandfather died and he inherited his dentures when he was twelve years old.  Now able to eat solid foods, Albert's weight skyrocketed to over four hundred pounds, leaving him in the awkward position of having a waistline longer than he was tall.

 

And when he spoke the noise came out like a phlegmy cough, complete with a foul mist of saliva that would leave anyone within earshot with a sticky coating that smelled like the inside of a prosthetic leg.  No one was ever able to tolerate him long enough to allow for proper speech development.  He would sweat brown fluid so profusely that it was visibly oozing from his skin, like a slowly squeezed kitchen sponge.

 

Albert was profoundly stupid and attended "special needs" schooling, but was never accepted among the retarded community.  He was the butt of their cruel taunts, and looked down upon as something not only abnormal, but nearly inhuman.  Tales of his worthlessness spread beyond his hometown, and soon his home was blacklisted by Jehovah's witnesses and sales people began to ignore his "solicitation welcome!" sign.

 

In his twenties Albert began to feel very much alone and depressed.  The suicide prevention hotline blocked his phone number after repeated calls.  He tried to hang himself several times, but was so poor at tying knots that he always ended up crashing to the ground.  He was a very sorry bastard indeed.

 

Unable to work, he was supported mostly by disability from the government.  He was assigned a very nice social worker woman to meet with him monthly and monitor his progress.  The nice lady found him so disagreeable that she eventually tried to kill him with her shoe, but was acquitted without prejudice when her defense attorney called Albert as a witness.  He was able to win a civil suit, however, and survives happily on the large government settlement.  And now he lives the American dream, fat on the teat milk of the society that despises him.

 

Scum City Avengers - Mega Man 2 - Dr. Wily Stage 1 / 2

Hooray!!  It's time for another one of Terlet's musical posts!!  You're going to want to hold onto your dong thongs tight today kids, I've got a doozy of a song for ya!  Video Game Music covers are all the rage and the song you are about to hear will not disappoint.  Or maybe it will..... Fuck  you....

Once upon a time in a magical land called Colorado, there was a band called the Scum City Avengers.  They rocked and were loved by all.  Then one they broke up and everyone was sad.  They had a great version of Doctor Wily's theme from Mega  Man 2.

Please enjoy.... Scum City Avengers....  Mega Man 2

Colorado's own - Scum City Avengers

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Discover www.giveandtakefetish.com today!

 Have you tried in vain to find someone that shares your unique interests on one of those cookie-cutter online dating sites?  Have you ever wasted time and money meeting someone you met online just to find out they are not willing to love you the way you need to be loved?  Have you ever had an online dating profile declined due to indecent or explicit content even though you were just being honest?  Well now there is a place designed just for you and your community.  Introducing the new alternative online dating service www.giveandtakefetish.com

We at giveandtakefetish.com believe that the internet is the ideal tool for pairing people together that share unique and rare interests, and that this has been a sadly neglected avenue for organized dating efforts thus far.  We specialize in finding compatible matches among people with complimentary fetishistic preferences.

Are you a body modification enthusiast with superfluous amputations?  We will find you that special someone that is into stump-fucking.  Or maybe you like to dress up in diapers and soil yourself while rubbing food all over your face, in which case we can find you a naughty nanny to wipe your bottom.  And we are doing our part to curb domestic violence by pairing sadistic wifebeaters with willing masochists that will indulge their every thrashing with glee.

So before you roll the dice with another awkward date that ends in disappointment when  you find out your plans to introduce sewing needles and a taser into the bedroom is not welcome, sign up at our website and complete the brief questionnaire.  And remember: one person's freaky is another person's fabulous!  But don't take our word for it... Read these awesome testimonials!

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Burly's House Of Fences

Burly Billy wants to fuck your fence.

The names Billy, but you can call me Burly, it's short for Burly Billy.  Can I just have a moment of your time to discuss your fence-less yard?  One of the true travesties of American life is a gorgeous yard without an equally gorgeous fence to enclose it.  Now I am biased, I do own and operate Burly's House Of Fences but besides that, I just can't bare to look at such a wasted landscaping opportunity.

I can tell you are skeptical but I think I know just the thing to get you interested in modern fencing.... Did you know that you can...... fuck a fence?...............  I know I know, it's funny to hear, but, man or woman, you can fuck anything if know where to stick it.

Take this for example, a classic, the Picket fence.  Now, Picket fences are known primarily as a pretty front yard enclosure, there are many financial benefits of utilizing a picket fence in the back yard too.  I normally build them to a height of 4 feet, although they can also be 3 or 5 feet tall to suit your desires. Picket fences are best used in situations where a small child or pet needs to stay close at hand, or if you are just into spinners.  A dainty little Picket fence is like fucking a cheer leader.  It's all spunky with little slots!  HOT HOT HOT!!

Slutty little Picket!

Personally, if you want to go with wood, I am a big fan of Split rail fences.  They are as beautiful as they are historically significant, and they can fuck like a tortured horse. Split rails were the most popular kind of farm fence at the turn of the last century.  Did you know that Abraham Lincoln supposedly used to "split rails" for a living?  "Splitting rails" is Barricadophile code for "he fucked fences". These types of fences can be built with either two or three rails, and can be enhanced with the addition of either barb, hog, or chicken wire, whatever your kink!

I'd like to Split that Rail...

If you like cold metal against your skin, you may want to try a residential Chain Link fence.  The "Chain Kink" fence, as I like to call it, is fucking sexy!  It provides the classic boundary for your property and offers medium security along with hot gaping metal holes. These fences come in a standard height of 4 feet, but they can be built as high as 6 feet tall. My residential chain link fence comes standard with a big, thick galvanized rail across the top.  This makes it easier to rock on top of and gives increased stability.

Sexy and See-Through

I see that the Chain Kink has stoked your imagination.  It that gets you hard, then you might be interested in my dirty little fence secret, the Security Chain Link fence.  Now listen friend, if your home needs maximum protection against potential thieves, vandals and dickheads, or you just like painful, badass, kinky sex, you'll want to invest in a security chain link fence topped with concertina (razor) wire and/or barb wire. These types of fences are typically used in commercial and industrial applications where perimeter security is at a premium, but I can hook you up.  This is the ultimate dominatrix of fences.  She will clean your pipes and have you begging for more.  Now this is not a fence for beginners.  If this is your first fence, we may want to try something that gives you less of a chance of castration.

Be careful with this temptress, she bites!

Now staying on the metal theme, I present to you, the Residential Wrought Iron fence.  This little bitch provides a classic boundary for your property and actually offers medium security, free of charge. These sturdy fences are yielding and reliable.  This is the housewife of fences.  This is a fence that you could fuck the shit out of and then let the kids play on.  A Wrought Iron fence will last for maintain it's beauty and pleasure giving abilities for years.  You never know, one day your grandson could be fucking this fence. She comes in a standard height of 4 feet, but she can be built as high as 6 feet tall.

Firm, reliable, it knows what your body likes.

Now some people get off on Vinyl fences made from PVC.  While not all that attractive, they will provide years of maintenance-free service. These types of fences are becoming popular with everyone from homeowners to farmers, because they're strong enough to do the job and clean up really easy.  You can spray whatever you want on a Vinyl fence.  Semen, vomit, blood, feces, whatever gets you off!  All it takes is a few sprays from the garden hose and your secret kink is washed away before the neighbors wake up.  Vinyl fences can fulfill many of your fencely desires, they come in a variety of shapes and patterns, from picket fences and basket weaves to shadow box and several full privacy selections. If you like your sex interracial, they come in two colors - white or tan. I can even install vinyl railings for your porch, stairway, or deck for ease of access.

Easy to clean!  Spray whatever you want on it!

I've saved the best for last my friend.  The Aluminum fence!  These sexy little fuckers have recently evolved to become a cheaper, sexier, automated alternatives to the more expensive Wrought Iron fences. Like the vinyl fences, a decorative aluminum fence will provide years of maintenance-free security.  But the Aluminum fence can also do something that the other fences can't.... It can fuck you back! 

The Fence that can Fuck back!

These babies can be equipped with an automatic gate operator that swings or slides the fence open and closed.  I can tell from your expression and that bulge in your pants that you are titillated!  These fences will withstand years of harsh weather, and the only suggested maintenance is a good washing once a year.

The "Hips" of the Aluminum Fence.

As you can see, there are many choices of fence available in today's marketplace.  Take this chart to help you decide, and when you are ready, come on down to Burly's House of Fences and we will get some fence pussy all over your dick!  And some fence dick for the wife too!

-

True Awkward Story

 "Elliot, it is my understanding that you are very interested in the position of wage officer here at DriskolTec, and by the looks of your resumé I would say you are more than qualified.  But you must understand, Elliot, that we do not hire solely on the profile you prepared for us.  I would like to ask you a few additional questions that are designed to reveal some key personality traits that we may find desirable in potential employees, and maybe a few that we would prefer to avoid, as well.  This is by no means a test with right and wrong answers, but rather a study to learn about yourself and your motivations.  Do you agree to participate?"  The suited man never broke eye contact and appeared to never blink.  His expression was pleasant but seemed superficial.

 

"Of course sir, it would be my pleasure.  I am always eager to learn more about myself.  I consider introspection a very healthy practice."  In truth Elliot was nervous.  He had already completed a pretty thorough paper questionnaire, and the oral interview was in it's second hour.

 

"Excellent, Elliot.  We will begin in just a few moments, but please allow me to briefly prepare."  The man stood up, seeming taller than when the two entered the room.  He casually unbuttoned his pants and took them off, gently folding them along the pleats and setting them aside before again taking his seat.  Elliot wasn't sure if this was part of the test or if the man was just preserving the garment.  The pants did look very expensive...

 

"Thats much better.  Alright, where were we?  Oh yes!  Firstly, do you consider yourself a traditional man, or a man without conventional sensibilities?"  He sat with pen to paper in anticipation of the potentially revealing response.

 

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I understand the question.  What is a 'traditional man' in your estimation?"  Elliot's question went unanswered, but the man hastily scribbled some notes and mumbled.

 

"Secondly, if you found yourself less than what you always thought you could be, would you endeavor to become what once you thought you never were?"

 

Elliot took a long pause... "Are you serious?  I have no idea how to answer that question."

 

"Aha, yes indeed."  The man scribbled more before asking again.  "And if you had really cold feet, like almost frozen, would you let me warm them up any way that I wanted?"

 

"Um, I don't know.  How would you warm them up?  With blankets or something?"

 

"Yes, Elliot.  Blankets.  But I might also want to hold them.  Make them warm with my neck-heat.  Nothing weird, just two men trading touches, nothing more."

 

"I am not sure I am interested in this job anymore.  You are borderline sexually harassing me right now, and I don't really feel comfortable here."  Elliot rose to his feet and began to leave the room.  The man stayed seated but stated no protest to his leaving.  

 

A few minutes after Elliot left the man pulled his pants back on, and took another look at his documents.  "Damn."  He thought.  "This kid had it all.  But he only lives a couple of blocks from here.  I think I will go lay in his driveway for a few hours."  He never let a good potential employee get away.  Especially one with such beautiful feet.

Celebrity Slander: Completely Untrue Stories of the Rich and Famous

 We at Popular Irony are as shocked as the rest of the world when we heard the news of Tom Hanks' recent arrest in Atlanta, GA.  Long considered America's most beloved leading man, the star rose from his early comedic roles to become a greatly respected dramatic actor, producer, and even director.   But has he befouled his image enough with this recent situation to end his career?  Read on to find out!




Actual Fake Police Photo

 Early Sunday morning on January 29 police responded to an anonymous tip that directed them to the 2100 block of Atlanta's Clayton County ghetto to investigate an animal cruelty claim.  Upon reaching the scene the officers present observed "a dozen or more" men running from an enclosed parking area.  Several men were apprehended along with one man that was tentatively identified as actor Tom Hanks, despite the suspect's vehement denial of this identity.  This preliminary deduction was confirmed through fingerprint records accessed through cooperation with authorities within the State of California.  Upon interrogation Mr. Hanks reportedly became physically violent, so much so that he was required to be restrained for over three hours until his release to the custody of his wife, Rita Wilson, who posted the $25,000 bail required by the state.

At the scene several illicit drugs were seized along with eleven fighting roosters, each clad in fighting spurs and some showing damage from recent contests.  The remains of three deceased cocks were also collected, along with a half-eaten drumstick that was found in Mr. Hanks' left front jeans pocket.  A total of $1,300 was discovered at the scene and confiscated as evidence of illegal gambling.  And under the  Animal Fighting Prohibition Act that was signed by former President George W. Bush in 2007 the penalties that Hanks faces should he be convicted have stiffened, allowing imprisonment for up to three years.

But what may be more potentially damaging than imprisonment is the loss in consumer support, as there has already been reports of defacement of Hanks' position on the Hollywood walk of fame since his arrest Sunday morning.  Long considered the all-American good guy that mirrored a Rockwelian persona that is fading in this modern age of moviemaking, Hanks faces losing not only his freedom, but the love of millions and the coinciding diminishment of market value as an actor.  Our investigative department has uncovered public offers by fringe news organizations for a copy of the interrogation video that allegedly reveals a shocking and unexpected side of the beloved American icon, complete with racist, misogynist and crude language, and dangerous physical volatility.  Should this footage be leaked it would quite likely mean an end to the positive public image he has until now maintained, and transition him to late-night talkshow joke fodder forever.

We at Popular Irony would like to remind our readers that we never engage in unethical practices such as paying for the illegal release of fake police video footage, and despise animal cruelty in any form.

The Pruno Experiment

I recently had an opportunity to engage two of my interests when I combined my love of science with my rampant alcoholism, thanks to the product "Spike Your Juice".  I purchased this online for about $15 and got everything I need to turn six 64 oz bottles of juice into prison wine in just 48 hours!  This is a chronicle of my first batch, which was finished just last week.  Enjoy.

As you can see, here is my ingredients list.  I am using cran-pomegranate juice, but you can use any filtered juice with greater than 20g of sugar per serving.  And remember, junior scientists, cold kills the yeast so NO refrigerated juice, only room temp stuff.

The operation couldn't be simpler.  Just pour the yeast packet into the juice (keep in mind that this is not store-bought yeast, but has a sugary coating to boost reproduction and accelerate the fermentation) and replace the cap with the included gas lock lid, which allows the gas to escape without introducing additional unwanted bacteria.

Now I play the waiting game.  The instructions say it is ready after two days, but three days allows for more thorough fermentation leading to a much more dry and boozy wine.  And since we all know I am looking less for taste and more for shitfacedness, I opted for a three day brew.  It smells like cheap wine.  Because it is.

I decided to down it all in one night, as quickly as possible.  You know, for science's sake.  I used my favorite "Batman Forever" commemorative McDonald's glass, and it came out to 8 full glasses which I eliminated in about three hours.  It was surprisingly good, considering this is essentially the same product brewed in plastic sacks under prison bunks.  Did I get drunk?  Very much so.  I wish I could give a more descriptive account of the aftermath, but I topped off the wine with whiskey and managed to destroy the secure conditions of my testing environment.  I guess I will need to make more, maybe with a higher sugar content, and I might employ a coffee filter in the final stage.  In the name of science.  As a sidenote... if you ever plan to pursue any home experimentation I only ask that you heed the warning on the box:  Never replace the screwcap on your juice after spiking.  It will explode all over the place and leave your home smelling like the final round of a hobo orgy.  Seriously. 

P.I. JOE - BIO WARFARE EXPERT

Subjected to the pressures of Washington and the liberal media, we at Popular Irony have been forced to break the top secret seal once again.  We introduce you to another member of our highly classified, elite, anti-terrorist unit, P.I. JOE.  Below is our newest soldier to be "unclassified".  Give the picture a click to view ShitStorm in all his full size P.I. JOE horror.

 

Collect them all!

-

A Man, A Musket, And A Murder Vol 7

 If it was the receptionist's job to make visitors feel welcome then she was failing miserably.  Vic Musket stood in the center of the room as the nervous woman cleared her throat to catch his attention.

"Mr. Stokely will see you now.  Please follow me to his office." She said, then began winding her way expertly through the labyrinth of glass walls and hallways to a set of tall oak doors.  It took all of her strength to wedge them open.  Clearly this building wasn't disabled-friendly.

Bert's figure cut a shadow that was considerably larger than Vic remembered from twenty years ago.  He gripped a double scotch in one hand and held the bottle outstretched in the other.  "Vic Musket.  I believe I owe you a drink."

"That's kinda why I'm here..." Vic paused to pull deeply from the bottle, stopping his host mid-stride as he was retrieving a second glass.  Bert realized he would never get the $500 bottle of scotch back.  "I really got my testicles tangled back in the city, and I could really use the help of someone with political connections.  As you mentioned... you owe me a favor or two..."  Vic pulled open his shirt to reveal a pink scar in the center of his chest, seemingly right over his heart, leading Bert to assume that perhaps he didn't have one.

"Well, the DA out there is my kid's godfather.  Anything you ask, consider it done."  Bert replied with the utmost confidence while sipping his scotch.  "What's the damage Musket?  Did you kill a whore, or something?"

"No.  But all the evidence says that I did."

"Jesus, Vic!"  The businessman said, dribbling scotch onto his silk tie.  "Are you fucking kidding me?  I'm not sure I can pull hard enough to get you out of a rape-murder!"

"I didn't fucking murder anyone, dammit!  And the sex was completely consensual.  Paid for, but consensual.  I'm being framed by someone powerful, so I need my most powerful ally.  Can you help me here?"

Bert was pacing back and forth now, knowing perfectly well how big of a shitstorm he was walking into if he decided to help Vic out.  He knew that this kind of shitstorm always gets in your mouth, but if you throw enough money at it you can at least avoid the hepatitis.  "I'm in.  But let's be clear... when this is done I never want to see you again."

A big smile came across Vic's face.  Once again the piss from the sky was turning into rain.  If there was really a God up above then he must be evil to look after a sinner like him.

To be continued...