Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Wizard Boy and The Special Letter

Wizard Boy has known that he's special since he was a baby.  He remembers moving objects with a thought, making things burst into flame and being able to control the minds of others and absorb their knowledge.  Through absorbing their knowledge this infant discovered that he was special.  So special was he that he knew it was best to remain silent whilst the normal folk persecute him for his previously referred to specialness.  As he grew, Wizard Boy covered his specialosity with Caucasian normality.  He pulls and jerks his limbs and makes the proper mouth noises to hide his secret special and fool the "Soft Brains".

Raised by his wicked Grandmother, Wizard Boy dreamed daily of a place where he could be himself and fit in.  If only there were other people like Wizard Boy.  His Grandmother beat him daily and made him clean her skin folds.  So riddled was she with enormous skin mites that she looked like a great salty pine covered in fetid pine cones.  "You'll be going to Chummly's Academy in the morning!" belched Wizard Boys Grandmother.  "They'll whip you into shape!"  His Grandmother's breath was visible and nasally intrusive.  Hold your breath all you want, it's getting in there.  Chummly's Academy is one of the most dangerous public private schools in the county.  A boy like Wizard Boy would be tasty chum to the violent sharks of the public private school system. 

Wizard Boy has an uncle that s the same age as him and his Grandmother dotes on "Uncle Dumplin" obsessively, much to the abuse of Wizard Boy.  Uncle Dumplin is a large, doughy, slightly retarded youth.  He may be soft in belly but he is cruel at heart.  Uncle Dumplin rejoices in torturing and tormenting Wizard Boy.  Unknown to Uncle Dumplin, when Grandmother is not around, Wizard Boy takes control of his dim witted Uncle and has him put on great feats of gymnastics in the nude.  It is the only exercise the obese Uncle Dumplin gets.

"If only a letter would show up letting me know that they know that I am so special" selfishly thought Wizard Boy.  "Somebody out there must be special like me.".  Sure enough, one day, a letter did come.  Grandma heard the mail slot clank open and screamed for Wizard Boy to retrieve the copious piles of junk mail and porno mags.  But nestled within the smut pile is a shiny purple envelope addressed to ... to... Wizard Boy!?  Our hero's heart almost lept out of his chest.  Could this be the ticket out of his Grandma reeking hell that he has always dreamed of?!

Wizard Boy ripped open his ornate envelope and in bright glittery gold writing he read...

Dear Wizard Boy,

Congratulations on your acceptance to Crotchwarts School of Magic and Specialness.  We know you've always known that you  are special, we know it too.  Because we are special as well.  Do you want to learn how to be more special?  We can teach you how to be even more special, like us.  We eagerly anticipate your reply.  Please send your reply to Crotchwarts@gmx.com to receive your official CrotchWarts Acceptance Certificate!


Headmaster - Turnbill Filbershimbles
(Order of Shazoom, First Class, Grand Captain, Chief. Rastler,
Supreme TangStabber, International Confed. of  Special People)

Wizard boy could not believe his eyes.  He actually was special!  No matter what his Grandmother said or how hard she tried to stop him, Wizard Boy knew he would attend this school!  TO BE CONTINUED....

Wizard Boy!

Hey kids!  You too can get an official CrotchWarts Acceptance Certificate!  Just send a kind email request to Headmaster Turnbill Filbershimbles at Crotchwarts@gmx.com.  Headmaster Filbershimbles will email you a certificate himself, if he feels that you are special enough.  If you are not special enough, you may just receive a scolding, derisive response along with a rejection certificate.  Good Luck Prospective Students!!


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