Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Celebrity Slander: Completely Untrue Stories of the Rich and Famous

 We at Popular Irony are as shocked as the rest of the world when we heard the news of Tom Hanks' recent arrest in Atlanta, GA.  Long considered America's most beloved leading man, the star rose from his early comedic roles to become a greatly respected dramatic actor, producer, and even director.   But has he befouled his image enough with this recent situation to end his career?  Read on to find out!

Actual Fake Police Photo
 Early Sunday morning on January 29 police responded to an anonymous tip that directed them to the 2100 block of Atlanta's Clayton County ghetto to investigate an animal cruelty claim.  Upon reaching the scene the officers present observed "a dozen or more" men running from an enclosed parking area.  Several men were apprehended along with one man that was tentatively identified as actor Tom Hanks, despite the suspect's vehement denial of this identity.  This preliminary deduction was confirmed through fingerprint records accessed through cooperation with authorities within the State of California.  Upon interrogation Mr. Hanks reportedly became physically violent, so much so that he was required to be restrained for over three hours until his release to the custody of his wife, Rita Wilson, who posted the $25,000 bail required by the state.

At the scene several illicit drugs were seized along with eleven fighting roosters, each clad in fighting spurs and some showing damage from recent contests.  The remains of three deceased cocks were also collected, along with a half-eaten drumstick that was found in Mr. Hanks' left front jeans pocket.  A total of $1,300 was discovered at the scene and confiscated as evidence of illegal gambling.  And under the  Animal Fighting Prohibition Act that was signed by former President George W. Bush in 2007 the penalties that Hanks faces should he be convicted have stiffened, allowing imprisonment for up to three years.

But what may be more potentially damaging than imprisonment is the loss in consumer support, as there has already been reports of defacement of Hanks' position on the Hollywood walk of fame since his arrest Sunday morning.  Long considered the all-American good guy that mirrored a Rockwelian persona that is fading in this modern age of moviemaking, Hanks faces losing not only his freedom, but the love of millions and the coinciding diminishment of market value as an actor.  Our investigative department has uncovered public offers by fringe news organizations for a copy of the interrogation video that allegedly reveals a shocking and unexpected side of the beloved American icon, complete with racist, misogynist and crude language, and dangerous physical volatility.  Should this footage be leaked it would quite likely mean an end to the positive public image he has until now maintained, and transition him to late-night talkshow joke fodder forever.

We at Popular Irony would like to remind our readers that we never engage in unethical practices such as paying for the illegal release of fake police video footage, and despise animal cruelty in any form.

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