Friday, February 17, 2012

The Janitor - Cab Driver of Gallifrey

The Janitor
Hi, welcome to marvelous planet Gallifrey!  Home of the Time Lords.  I see that you have heard of us.  We are kinda a big deal in the universe.  I'm sure you've heard of The Doctor and his evil opponent The Master?  Of course you have... Who in the universe hasn't?  They are both Time Lords, just like me.

Who am I?  Uhh ... huh huh... that's not important, I'm a Time Lord!  One of the Motherfucking masters of Time and Space!  Yeah that's right!  .....   No really, it's not important..... Fine!  I'm called The Janitor.     Don't fucking laugh at me!!  Everybody laughs at me!  I'm not even a Janitor, I'm a fucking cab driver, it's just what I'm called.... The Doctor isn't actually a doctor, you know.....

Please stop laughing...  This is fucking awkward.  Well welcome to Gallifrey now please fuck off, Get out of my cab!        .....       Oh sure, now you apologize.    Well fine, apology accepted.  Now where can I take you?  The Citadel of the Time Lords?  The Tomb of Rassilon?  Wait,  don't tell me.. The Time Vortex?    HA!  I knew it, the first thing almost all tourists do is go to the Time Vortex.  I would not recommend staring that thing though, that shit will fuck your day.  My cousin, The Optometrist, stared into it for like an hour once, he passed out and crapped his pants.  He has not been the same since, with all the drooling and the poop eating......

What about me??  Well I grew up on Gallifrey of course.  I've had quite a few of my own regenerations.  Whats a Regeneration? You know, when a Time Lord dies, we can regenerate into a new body.  We don't really know what we are going to get but it works out well for most people.... most people.

My first!?  Ha, well, when I was born I was quite the runt, well at least my head was.  I was bullied a lot, people would call me nasty things like, Tiny Head and and... Small Head. It was awful.  What did I do for a living?  Well I was a cab driver of course..... What else would I do.  Look, here is a picture of me in front of the Citadel of the Time Lords, in my birth body.  I take a picture there with every regeneration.  It's quite beautiful....  Yes, I know.. I just told you I had a tiny head!

Birth Body
After that?  Well, in my first body I ate some bad Sontaran oysters and died of organ failure.  When I regenerated I think my body tried to compensate for my tiny head.  My next form had a huge fucking noggin with nasty piggy tails growing out of the top.  It was fucked up.  I always wore hats to cover those disgusting, reeking,  piggy tails.  See here a picture.  Why am I always wearing the same shirt?  I like that fucking shirt.  I can't just change my wardrobe with every regeneration.  I don't live on a "Doctor's" salary. 

1st Regeneration
You'd think I learned my lesson with tiny head, but no.  Again bad Sontaran oysters ended piggy head.  I am so fucking stupid sometimes.  But when you eat them and they don't kill you, they are fucking delicious.  So then I regenerated into a woman.  Now that almost never happens, it's like one in a billion and if you laugh at me one more time I am going to make your ass into a Tardis, making it much bigger on the inside...... with my fist.  

 Now I wasn't just any woman.  I was an ugly, ugly woman with a severe speech impediment.  That existence was rough.  I constantly suffered from "phantom dick syndrome".  I was still attracted to woman but no other Gallifreyan chicks wanted to "dyke out".  Here is a picture of me as her, please don't laugh....................  Don't fucking laugh at me!!   
2nd Regeneration



No comments:

Post a Comment