Who am I? Uhh ... huh huh... that's not important, I'm a Time Lord! One of the Motherfucking masters of Time and Space! Yeah that's right! ..... No really, it's not important..... Fine! I'm called The Janitor. Don't fucking laugh at me!! Everybody laughs at me! I'm not even a Janitor, I'm a fucking cab driver, it's just what I'm called.... The Doctor isn't actually a doctor, you know.....
Please stop laughing... This is fucking awkward. Well welcome to Gallifrey now please fuck off, Get out of my cab! ..... Oh sure, now you apologize. Well fine, apology accepted. Now where can I take you? The Citadel of the Time Lords? The Tomb of Rassilon? Wait, don't tell me.. The Time Vortex? HA! I knew it, the first thing almost all tourists do is go to the Time Vortex. I would not recommend staring that thing though, that shit will fuck your day. My cousin, The Optometrist, stared into it for like an hour once, he passed out and crapped his pants. He has not been the same since, with all the drooling and the poop eating......
What about me?? Well I grew up on Gallifrey of course. I've had quite a few of my own regenerations. Whats a Regeneration? You know, when a Time Lord dies, we can regenerate into a new body. We don't really know what we are going to get but it works out well for most people.... most people.
My first!? Ha, well, when I was born I was quite the runt, well at least my head was. I was bullied a lot, people would call me nasty things like, Tiny Head and and... Small Head. It was awful. What did I do for a living? Well I was a cab driver of course..... What else would I do. Look, here is a picture of me in front of the Citadel of the Time Lords, in my birth body. I take a picture there with every regeneration. It's quite beautiful.... Yes, I know.. I just told you I had a tiny head!
Now I wasn't just any woman. I was an ugly, ugly woman with a severe speech impediment. That existence was rough. I constantly suffered from "phantom dick syndrome". I was still attracted to woman but no other Gallifreyan chicks wanted to "dyke out". Here is a picture of me as her, please don't laugh.................... Don't fucking laugh at me!!
OUT!! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING CAB!!