Editor's note: Prof. Ted Gunderson is a world renowned Cryptozoologist, cuisinier, huntsman, fundamentalist christian and vitriolic Republican. His journal of political thought and mythical cuisine is published out of his garage.
Burns, OR - You can imagine the stunned, dumb-fucked expression on my face when I made the discovery. I have spent many a wasted decade pursuing the unknown, dipping my bits in the undiscovered, forcefully plunging waste deep into that which is Cryptid. After countless expeditions I have very little to show for my life's work. Until now fuckers! Who'da thunk that all I had to do validate my career was to meticulously peer at my own hairy groin.
Recently, I have been plagued by a painfully itchy crotch. No silverware scrape or creamy lotion could soothe my inflamed pubis. Fearing that my constant port-o-potty visits exposed me to an especially virulent form of crabs, I equipped my magnifying glass and began my investigation.
Much to my surprise, after many hours of pube-peeping, I spotted something strange. In the corner of my magnifying glass, I saw something deftly hide behind a tuft of hairs. Thinking I had finally spotted my quarry, I equipped my Crab Grabbers (tweezers) and pulled aside the concealing hairs. Behind my magnified bits of bush was a creature of legend, the Crotch-Squatch (Paranthropus Pubis). The tiny cousin of the great Sasquatch.
|The Crotch-Squatch (Paranthropus Pubis)|
The beast, knowing it was cornered and hoping to appease my hungry tweezers, gave me a friendly wave. Amazed, I waved back. How long has this majestic creature roamed my groin? Are there more of them? The Crotch-Squatch is the most rare and illusive of all the sasquatches. I now consider the thick tufts of hair surrounding my meaty genitals a private nature preserve. I will do whatever it takes to protect and care for the Crotch-Squatch and his possible kin.
Every morning I smear my genitals in pine tar and banana puree. I rinse my naughty bits in only the purest mountain spring water.The last time I spotted my pubic pal, his belly was jolly and he was gleefully dining on stringy glops of pine tar and banana mash from my short and curlys.
I will continue to be a good loin landlord to my tiny friend. I will observe him in his natural habitat and record his actions in my "Journal of the Unknown". It's chock full of crazy shit. I will tolerate the constant pelvic irritation for the good of the species.......... Oooooohhhh..... I think he is digging for "roots" again. That is not a pleasant sensation.
Ciao and Godspeed -Prof. T. Gunderson