Thursday, October 13, 2011

Misanthropy Squared: Iran and the Cartels

There is a great deal of speculation surrounding the sparse details in the recent arrest of Manssor Arbabsiar, a man charged with attempting to negotiate a 1.5 million dollar assassination deal with a Mexican drug cartel to off a Saudi Ambassador in Washington D.C. on behalf of elements of the Iranian government. Holy fucking shit.

There are all kinds of angles to this story to scare the shit out of you, but I am going to focus on a couple of particularly horrifying aspects of this story. But first off, I would like to point out that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a piece of shit. He is a holocaust-denying, election-stealing, freedom-hating douchebag. He appears to spend most of his time rehearsing his trademark rambling speeches to the UN that always start with "Israel and America must die" and end with "C'mon, guys... Why won't you let us build nuclear weapons?" In contrast, I have nothing bad to say about the Mexican drug cartels. They all seem like perfectly fine, respectable men to me. Nothing bad to report at all. Seriously.

The part of this story that is the most troubling is the brazen nature of the charges. Any attempt to kill a diplomat on American soil is a surefire way to witness a twenty day shitstorm of bombs followed by a personal visit from SEAL Team Six and their titanium-toothed warhounds. I'm almost certain that Iran doesn't want an invitation to that particular Lady party. And I can also safely assume that the cartels are pretty happy with the current American policy of "Not my fucking problem" in respect to their business dealings at the southern border, and would not want to put a target on their backs by getting involved in a political struggle. And for 1.5 million? Pennies to the cartels.

So there is no reasonable motive for either group to take part in this plot, making it's validity look suspect. Perhaps the Justice department is engineering the charges to bolster the image of strong defense policy for the administration that is trying to manage a re-election campaign? Also not likely. Just about the only thing that the President has been strong on is national defense. And although a war declaration on Iran would be easier to pass through Congress than a jobs package at this point, I just don't think you can out-do blowing Bin Laden's head off when talking about homeland security. And besides, another military action in the middle east would bring Ron Paul to tears at the next Republican debate, and nobody likes to see a tiny old man cry. Or fuck.

I guess I am not entirely convinced that this case is legit, and I hope it isn't. If the connection is confirmed then it will be a refreshing dose of honesty and transparency by Iran, at last admitting they are pure evil. This shit is going to dominate my paranoid fantasies until my theory on the connection between North Korea and the Somalian pirates is confirmed.

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