Sunday, October 2, 2011

PI Judgement: Juggalos vs. Kiss Army

Welcome to PI Judgement, where the staff here at Popular Irony headquarters select the lesser of two phenomena. All judgements are final, and the winners must suffer the distinction of being the lamest representative of their cultural niche. Today I offer you pictographic evidence to support a final judgement as to the champion of total lameness in the battle between the two face-painting, white-trash powerhouses... Juggalos vs Kiss Army.

 A close up examination of the facial characteristics and adornments reveal a few similarities between the unfortunate members of these pop music fan clubs. They both choose a black and white makeup scheme that is intended to strike fear into the hearts of the average person, but ironically inspire only laughter and ridicule. Intentional distortions of the facial muscles result in a display that can easily be mistaken for evidence of severe mental impairment, but are in fact a testament to the deliberate and shameful disregard of intellectual potential. With some documented cases of financial and even political success among the Kiss Army, their credibility in the war to appear less intelligent is suspect. Point Juggalos.

Further scrutiny of the dietary habits of either group reveal a shocking trend of poor physical health by both the Juggalos and Kiss Army. Both sides have a similar staple of fermented grain beverages and poorly prepared sausages. Combine this with apathetic laziness and seldom intercourse, and the resulting physical degradation is evidenced above. But considering a fascination for the second-rate brand of soft drinks "Faygo" gives the Juggalos the edge here.

The CM stands for "child molester"
Social impacts by either group are negligible in their current stages, with the Kiss Army having slightly higher street-level recognition. The Juggalos attempt to maintain a counter culture reputation by spreading rumors that they are involved in illegal activity, but all investigation indicates their danger footprint is close in scope to the Girl Scouts of America. The Kiss Army makes no public claim to criminal activity, but the above photo has some ominous implications. All things considered, the Juggalos take another category in the race to the bottom.

Being organized groups of pop music fans leaves another important point of contention between the Juggalos and the Kiss Army... Which has the most awful female groupies? To decide you must consider that the Juggalo groupies will most certainly be of a younger average age (by virtue of Kiss being a band associated with the '70s) and will also be far more likely to engage willingly in unprotected intercourse. And with the much larger and culturally ingrained fan base of Kiss, and the added catalyst of the "MILF" phenomenon that has emerged in recent years, the most awful female groupies are most certainly Juggalos.

Wow. I did not expect a clean sweep by the Juggalos, but the evidence speaks for itself. The final judgement here is: GUILTY! The Juggalos are the least respectable and ridiculous of these two shameful groups of misdirected people, and the most deserving of our collective contempt. If there are any Kiss Army people out there, wipe off the makeup. You look ridiculous. And if there are any Juggalos in our audience... well I hope their illiterate minds can understand my contempt based on the plentiful pictures.


  1. Might I remind the most esteemed Hamtackle that not so long ago there was a credibility to the ICP group in our circle of friends.

  2. God was that biased... I only had to skim the see the bullshit

  3. Sorry, but I score it the other way 'round. Surely there are a lot of crab lice vectoring their way around the Juggalo scene. What with all of those fugly lil' goatees & shit. But seriously, consider if you will all of the VD spead around by Gene Simmons' tongue alone, and the several decades it's had to fester. Or how he sang about wild partying to a millions of kids who were all interpreting that as drinking and drugging their little heads into brain damage, yet himself abstained from all drug & alcohol use - yet didn't say SHIT about that to his audience until many years later when they were re-marketing their concerts as an intergenerational family fun-fest travelling Disneyland show. Or how they booted Ace Frehley because he took the words "Party every day" slightly more literally than the rest of them. They're just too fucking sleazy for words, we've put up with too much KISS ad-nauseum eternal radio play in public spaces and elevators & shit, they've marketed too many plastic lunch-boxes, the KISS army has plastered too many spray-bomb cans worth of "KISS" all over freeway overpasses - and on a personal note, I've had far too many fist-fights with middle-school bullies clad in those two-tone long-sleeve four-side-printed KISS t-shirts.

    Ah, but then who knows? Surely YOU'VE been going through the same shit down there in the States with the ICP crowd, so wtf do I know? I think it's just a "generation gap" thing. That and Canadian media might have a legal requirement for 10% Canadian content, but the USA seems to have forgotten an even 1% non Hip-Hop content caveat. I dunno, maybe you've got some "golden oldies" rock radio down there, maybe you've even still got a few shitbox Camaro car stereos blaring KISS for the whole neighborhood, but I'm sure that doesn't compare with what ya'll are going through NOW. Then again, can you really say that ICP is the WORST music of the whole rap genre that's out there right now? Or just the group who's fixation with wearing certain colours, pertains to wearing those colours in the form of face-paint? I'm pretty damn certain - sure enough that I sure as shit would fight you on it, if you insist on DOING it - that if we were to dig around for the worst ICP song, that we could find a worse piece of popular music from the same time period.

    I guess the question you've gotta ask yourself is, CAN we say the same thing about KISS in the '70s & '80s? Tough call. I guess there's Led fucking Zeppelin but that's kind of unfair. KISS is sort of like a proto-METAL slash disco-costume hold-over from an off-shoot of another Alien Mothership which Parliament/Funkadelic was here to SAVE us from, ala the new Indepencence Day 2 movie - While Led Zeppelin would be like the equivalent as a proto HAIR band.....

    Shit, are we even sure that THESE two are the lowest form of music fandom hipsterism which you could dredge up?