Monday, October 24, 2011

The Pummeling Purple Fist of Retard Strong!

Jeremy Moore is a very special person.  He is kind, unassuming, punctual and very good at his job.  He is well liked by his coworkers and neighbors, is physically fit, is kind, generous and he has Down syndrome.

Jeremy has a 24 hour caretaker named Eric, he is Jeremy’s brother and best friend.  Jeremy and Eric both work as custodians at the local chemical plant. Late one evening, they were busy cleaning the production floor when the rear doors burst open.  Several masked and armed men stormed the building. 

The men were surprised to find Jeremy and Eric.  "You said this place would be empty!" Shouted a robber with a beer belly.  The robbers forced them to the ground and told them to be silent or they would be shot.  Jeremy’s caretaker tried reasoning with the robbers while Jeremy blubbered and cried on the floor.  “Shut that idiot up!” shouted one of the robbers.

“You don’t understand, he has…” Eric started to say but his sentence was cut short by a mouthful of pistol butt.

Eric, mouth bloody, spit out several teeth.  Seeing his brother so badly hurt sent Jeremy into a panic.  Jeremy preformed a full body convulse which flipped the robber who was pinning him off of his back.  The robber who was pinning Eric scrambled to his feet to grab Jeremy.  Jeremy shoved him and screamed as he ran through the chemical plant.

One of the robbers took aim with his pistol at Jeremy’s back.  “No!!” screamed Eric as he leapt to his feet and dove in front of the firing gun.  Jeremy turned back to see his brother crumple into a bleeding, unconscious heap on the floor.

“Get him!”  Screamed the lead robber.

The robbers took off on foot after Jeremy.  Jeremy had enough wits to know that he had to hide or he was going to die.  Jeremy rounded a corner and saw a ladder leading up to one of the large chemical vats.  Jeremy quickly climbed to the top of the vat and saw that it was filled with a purple hued liquid that was lightly steaming.  This reminded Jeremy of his nightly baths and how soothing they were.  He thought that there would be no safer place to hide than the large unmarked tub of steaming chemical byproducts.

Jeremy lowered his body into the liquid and dunked under the surface just in time.  The robbers ran right past the vat and did not notice Jeremy hiding.  The liquid was warm and tingly.  It smelled like Vaseline but tasted like almonds and Listerine.  Jeremy liked the taste of almonds and Listerine and did not hesitate to swallow the thick, languid liquid.

 The robbers, unable to find Jeremy, broke into the main office vault, took what they were hired to take and started to leave the building.  As they were passing Jeremy heard one robber say to the other “Mr. Mascarpone is not going to be happy about this fucking botch job.”

“Don’t worry” said a robber. “We took the security footage, and that guy on the floor will be dead any second.  That Tard won’t be able to rat us out.  Nobody will know shit. ”

Jeremy  heard the conversation and for the first time, he really understood.  An ever-present fog had been lifted from Jeremy's brain.  "One more to the face ought to take care of this guy." said a robber as he pointed a handgun at Eric's head.

Jeremy acted without thinking, he vaulted from the vat like a steaming purple polar bear.  Jeremy hit the ground, streams of chemicals pouring off of his skin.  The robbers were frozen in surprised confusion.  Jeremy looked at himself.  He was naked, his skin a deep purple.  He had also grown in size by about 3 feet and 400lbs.  His muscles rippled and underneath that rippling was a large, very smart brain.

"Unhand my comrade you cretins!" Yelled Jeremy as he leapt at the robbers. 

The robbers, panic stricken, opened fire.

Jeremy was completely unsurprised by the bullets bouncing off of his skin.  "Of course that particular amalgamation of chemicals would combine with my unique genomic condition altering my DNA in such a way that I have accelerated intelligence and quasi-invulnerability.  It's all so simple."  Jeremy thought as he single-handedly beat and near-dismembered the almost successful robbers.

Jeremy rushed to his brother.  "Jer... *cough* Jeremy?  Issat?   Iss that  you?"

"Yes Eric, it is I.  Hold still my friend, you have a bullet in your chest."  Said Jeremy.

"Theresss... Theres nothin you *cough* can dooo.... Goodbye.. my brother."  Weezed Eric.

"Ha ha ha!  Don't be fucking stupid Eric.  It is simple."  With that, Jeremy put his mouth to Eric's sucking chest wound and with one loud *SSSHHHLUUURP* he held the bullet in his teeth.  Eric screamed but that did not stop Jeremy.  He quickly and delicately pulled a single string from Eric's sweater.  He wrapped the string around his finger and stuffed his finger in Eric's bullet hole. 

Jeremy wiggled his finger around for several seconds and pulled it out with a *THUCK*

"AAARRRR!! What did you do!" Screamed Eric.

"Oh I just halted the internal hemorrhaging and did a bit of stitch work on your various organ wounds.  They would heal up nicely now without more surgery, but just to be safe my friend, we should probably get you to a hospital."  Explained Jeremy.

Minutes later, the sirens approaching Jeremy felt a strange sensation.  "Ah, it appears my time in this superior form is no longer required at the moment.  I feel myself reverting to my standard appearance and intelligence. Eric, can you please keep my secret?  asked Jeremy.

"Of course. But what are you? What will happen to you?"

"I posit that the chemicals transmorphed all of the goodness and courage inside of Jeremy into another being.  I suppose I am not Jeremy.  The next time I am needed, I ask that you refer to me as RETARD STRONG!"  Bellowed Retard Strong.

"That is horribly fucking offensive Jeremy." said Eric.

"Retard Strong!" said Retard Strong.

"Fine then... That is horribly fucking offensive Retard Strong." said Eric.

"Thank You.  Take care of yourself and I will see you next time innocents are in danger and .. the puppy at the mall is named Bing and he is my fwend." said Retard Strong as he shrunk smaller and smaller, his skin tone reverting.

When the cops and ambulance arrived, they found a naked man with Down syndrome, a man with a well treated chest wound and several piles of unconscious broken men.  "They were robbing the place and they were molesting Jeremy and they beat me until a hero came and saved us!" Eric told the police.

"What hero?" asked the cops.

"Duh bestest mothawfuggin hewo awound, RETAWD STWONG!" shouted Jeremy.

Jeremy and Eric still work at the chemical plant, but now their evenings are a little more exciting.  Criminals across the city fear the pummeling, purple fist of Retard Strong.

Beware his Purple Pummeling Power Punks!

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