Thursday, October 6, 2011

Bible Belt Babble with Willard "Teabag" Chinsley: Volume 5

Holla, bitches!
Welcome again to the last bastion of reasonable thinking in the American wasteland that Obama has created. I am Willard "Teabag" Chinsley, the head of the proud Teabagger party. This week we take a look at Herman Cain and his Presidential campaign, cover the Teabagger reaction to the "occupy wall street" movement, and enjoy a tribute to Ronald Reagan.

When looking for the antidote to the first black President you must fight fire with fire. And how better to fend off accusations of widespread racism than to openly support Herman Cain? And Obama's lack of experience before taking office as a "community organizer" who pursued constitutional law pales in comparison to Cain's experience as a man who once owned some pizza parlors.  These are the issues on the mind of the average Teabagger voting populace, but be warned: We see a dangerous indicator that Herman Cain isn't the man he appears to be...

Oh no, not AGAIN!
The biggest talking point of the Cain platform to date is his 999 tax plan, in which he plans to reduce all tax levels to the 9% range (whats wrong with 0%, mister?) But what he is hoping we don't notice is what happens when you turn his tax plan on it's head. That's right, we have 666. Let's learn the lesson Jesus is trying to teach us here. No more black Presidents, America.

Occupy wall street? You don't have an army, hippies! In New York city there is a gathering of the future homeless populace of our great country, all complaining that they are being taken for everything they are worth without any consideration for their needs. Well I would like to be the first to reach out and embrace these pot-smoking liberals. That's right... The answer to all of their problems can be found within the Teabagger party! If you don't want your taxes to be wasted on frivolous pursuits, then get on the bandwagon with us and stop all taxation! With all the money you save at your tax-free minimum wage job you can afford to pay all your bills, negotiate a fair healthcare package with the provider of your choice, and manage some upward economic and social mobility! Oh yeah, we are going to be abolishing the minimum wage, so you might want to start saving up right away.

 The Gipper. The greatest leader the world ever knew. The man who toppled the Soviet Union and ended the cold war. And most of his many accomplishments were completed while his mental faculties were hindered by Alzheimer's, a condition he tragically contracted following the administration of an HPV vaccine. And although he lost his way on occasion, such as granting amnesty to illegal Cuban aliens or causing a recession, we are pretty sure he hated minorities and poor people. And with this in mind we all wish for his second coming, particularly in the face of a pool of unelectable Republican Presidential candidates. We miss you, Ron.

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