Monday, October 17, 2011

Shamefully Disgusting Foods

Next: Antichrist
I can admit that I am a somewhat picky eater. I like food prepared a certain way and can find myself unwilling to try something new, and if I ever do submit to the unfamiliar I am quick to declare my prior culinary prejudices proven factual. It's the same way with people for me. But I have been noticing a rash of horribly paired flavors being churned out by food manufacturers, and find myself wondering why there is so much experimentation going on in this weak economy, when launching a failed product could spell financial disaster.

Case in point: There is a vending machine at work, in the break room. I rarely purchase anything from it, mostly because there is something hilarious about a fat guy walking around with a half-eaten candybar in his doughy mitts, chocolate smeared across his face like a filthy felching outtake. That would be me, and if I caught anyone (justifiably) laughing at my expense I would beat them and anyone that came to their aid to an unrecognizable mass of battered flesh, broken bones and connective tissue. And I don't want that on my conscience because I AM A GOOD PERSON!... Where was I... Oh yes, in the vending machine I find a whole row of shiny new packages of Honey Barbecue Cheeto Puffs. Just typing it makes me gag a little. I tried to get some strangers that were wandering about to eat them, I even offered to pay, but no takers.

There is one other product that I have seen in tv ads this week that makes me want to throw up. It is the Fiery Pepper Southern Comfort liquor that was recently released. Seriously, was anyone asking for this shit? Now I don't often speak ill of alcohol, and have been known to drink Southern Comfort until about 8 years ago when the stuff made me fuck someone I didn't want to, and ever since when I smell the bottle I can taste sweat and tunafish. But they already fucked up the whiskey by putting molasses in it, now they have to douse it with the most flavor-dominating condiment in history, Tobasco?

These detestable products are a troubling sign of things to come. Considering the barbecue Cheetos and Tabasco booze I will be surprised if we don't see frosting dipped shrimp, or Ketchup flavored ice cream. I know that America is the "home of the free, and land of the morbidly obese mother of eleven with two failed gastric bypass surgeries and a foot that is rotting away from diabeetus, but can't afford to get the amputation until this 2012 Suburban is paid off" but even we have standards. So let me be the fat sage in the desert of comically bad food, leading the bovine masses to their eventual salvation like Moses to the wandering Jews. Don't buy this garbage and it will go away, maybe even before the Europeans get wind of it.

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