A Man, A Musket, And A Murder Vol 8

 Two men sat at opposite sides of a large oak desk, the smoke of dozens of cigarettes swirling around them.  Vic Musket gave every detail of his unfortunate situation, explaining how he was blowing the small fortune he was paid from his last case at an upscale hotel.  It had been week after week of drugs, sex, booze, visionquesting, and sodomy that led up to him waking to find a dead prostitute in the bathroom.  Vic had never harmed women in his life, and although he was blackout drunk he was sure he was innocent.  Besides, he didn't have a drop of blood on him.

Bertram, Vic's only comrade in this dangerous time, had sent two requests for the DA back in the city to call him on a secured line.  The phone sat silently between them, a jack-in-the-box that was waiting to pop and reveal Vic's destiny.  The men were Killing time with the kind of awkward conversation that occurs when old acquaintances reunite.

"Are you married, Vic?  Got any kids?" Bert asked, dividing the last of the scotch in their glasses.

"No, no.  Never married, or had kids.  Got three abortions under my belt, though.  How about you?"

Bert winced at Vic's callous response.  "You won't believe it, but I married my college sweetheart about six months after our 'incident'.  I have told her about you a million times, and about how you saved my life from a knife-wielding maniac.  I may have lied a little and said I was mugged instead of pissing off a street pimp, but to me you are a hero all the same."  Bert leaned in closer, making eye contact.  "Seriously, Vic.  I have never been the same since that night, and I haven't wasted my second chance.  And I will do everything in my power to repay you..."  His eyes were welling up.

"Stop."  Vic interrupted. "Why the fuck is it taking so long for this guy to call you back?"

"This is a secure line, Vic.  He can't just call me from his cell phone.  He needs to get to a secure line himself.  But he will call.  Guaranteed.  Just give him some time."  Bert looked excited, like he had been waiting for years for the chance to repay him.  "You know, I have a son and two daughters these days.  My son is a freshman in highschool now.  I named him Victor, just to remind me of the kindness you showed me that..."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"  Vic said angrily.  "Jesus Christ, man.  I met you for a total of about three hours a couple of decades ago and you name your kid after me?  Well I have news for you... you named your kid after a degenerate fuckup.  Didn't you ask yourself why I never had any kids?  Why there isn't a little Vic running around here right now?  It's because the world doesn't need another booze-guzzling, whore-mongering, killer-for-hire.  My bloodline ends with me, no more Muskets.  And here you come along, telling me how great a guy I am, and you have a fucking son keeping my name alive?  Just do what you can to save my ass here, and I will be grateful for that.  But hearing that you named your kid after me makes me want to put a gun in my mouth!"

The phone rings.

To be continued...

Spikes SqueezaBooze

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-

Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly vol. 6

 Welcome masturbators, one and all to another installment of Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly.  Join us in celebrating our shared pride in our favorite method of stress relief by broadening your masturbatory horizons.  Tonight we discuss the enemies of masturbation, induct a new member into the Masturbation Hall of Fame, and as always introduce two new techniques in this month's Diff'rent Strokes.






Guess which one has soiled hands?

There are those among us that do not share our enthusiasm for solo sexual gratification, and in some cases even fear it.  These are the enemies of masturbation, and they are gathering power.  There has been a movement among the ultra-conservative branches of the Republican party to attack the modern advances in masturbation and take jacking off back to the stone ages.  We at Popular Irony believe that someone should stand up for the frightened majority of us that prefer our jerking to be left to our own discretion.  And now we speak up for this under-reported story.

There is a document known as the "FAMiLY LEADER"pledge that was signed by former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann and current candidate Rick Santorum that contains language that amounts to banning all forms of pornography.  You know, because jerking off destroys families.  This makes perfect sense, as both of them look like people who view sex as an unpleasant duty that is required to make babies.  Mott Romney is anti masturbation, in keeping with his mormon faith that in the LDS bible denounces masturbation as "wasting jizz".  Even Newt Gingritch, a confirmed pussy hound, is against porn.  Here are a few quotes from these candidates:

Rick Santorum: “Federal obscenity laws should be vigorously enforced. If elected President, I will appoint an Attorney General who will do so.”

Mitt Romney: “It is imperative that we cultivate the promotion of fundamental family values. This can be accomplished with increased parental involvement and enhanced supervision of our children. It includes strict enforcement of our nation’s obscenity laws, as well as the promotion of parental software controls that guard our children from Internet pornography.”

Newt Gingrich: When former Speaker Gingrich was asked if he will enforce existing laws that make distribution of hard-core adult pornography illegal, he responded: “Yes, I will appoint an Attorney General who will enforce these laws.”

So please drop by to their official webpages and let them know you are a proud masturbator.  And don't forget to tell them Popular Irony sent you.

http://www.newt.org/contact
http://www.ricksantorum.com/contact
http://mittromney.com/contact-us
http://bachmann.house.gov/Email/




Masturbation Hall of Fame

Now it is time to honor another person who has brought awareness to masturbation by inducting them into the masturbation hall of fame.  We celebrate their courage in the face of public humiliation and thank them for helping show the world that we are all normal people, and we all love to manually stimulate our genitalia.

He came for our sins...

Tonight we recognize a man who has long been overdue for praise from our monthly newsletter.  This man sacrificed his career for the one-handed passtime we all enjoy, and became the butt of countless jokes on the late night circuit.  This man is Paul Reubens, better known as Pee-wee Herman.  In 1991 Reubens was arrested in Florida for public exposure in an adult film theater.  Although certainly not the first guy to jerk it in a porno theater, the sponsors of his children's television show were somewhat concerned about image problems.  He was able to resurface for some film roles over the next decade, but his popularity was badly damaged.  For his significant sacrifice in the name of beating off, we honor Paul Reubens.


And now...  Diff'rent Strokes!!!

The Splint 'N Spank:  Let's face it-  frequent masturbation can lead to discomfort and may even require significant recovery time, depending of the method and vigor used.  But many of us have masturbatory appetites that do not wait for our beaten, raw flesh to heal.  Use the splint method to give a withered cock the support needed to go for another round.  So get back in the saddle and beat it!

Frisky Fishy:  The economic masturbator has produced ingenious masturbation techniques over the years, and this newest entry doesn't disappoint.  Simply drape a fish filet (with skin side out) over the shaft, get a grip, and stroke away!  This is an excellent and disposable way to satisfy your urges, and in a pinch can be washed and fried up for dinner!  It will be our little secret... 

Wizard Boy and The Special Letter

Wizard Boy has known that he's special since he was a baby.  He remembers moving objects with a thought, making things burst into flame and being able to control the minds of others and absorb their knowledge.  Through absorbing their knowledge this infant discovered that he was special.  So special was he that he knew it was best to remain silent whilst the normal folk persecute him for his previously referred to specialness.  As he grew, Wizard Boy covered his specialosity with Caucasian normality.  He pulls and jerks his limbs and makes the proper mouth noises to hide his secret special and fool the "Soft Brains".

Raised by his wicked Grandmother, Wizard Boy dreamed daily of a place where he could be himself and fit in.  If only there were other people like Wizard Boy.  His Grandmother beat him daily and made him clean her skin folds.  So riddled was she with enormous skin mites that she looked like a great salty pine covered in fetid pine cones.  "You'll be going to Chummly's Academy in the morning!" belched Wizard Boys Grandmother.  "They'll whip you into shape!"  His Grandmother's breath was visible and nasally intrusive.  Hold your breath all you want, it's getting in there.  Chummly's Academy is one of the most dangerous public private schools in the county.  A boy like Wizard Boy would be tasty chum to the violent sharks of the public private school system. 

Wizard Boy has an uncle that s the same age as him and his Grandmother dotes on "Uncle Dumplin" obsessively, much to the abuse of Wizard Boy.  Uncle Dumplin is a large, doughy, slightly retarded youth.  He may be soft in belly but he is cruel at heart.  Uncle Dumplin rejoices in torturing and tormenting Wizard Boy.  Unknown to Uncle Dumplin, when Grandmother is not around, Wizard Boy takes control of his dim witted Uncle and has him put on great feats of gymnastics in the nude.  It is the only exercise the obese Uncle Dumplin gets.

"If only a letter would show up letting me know that they know that I am so special" selfishly thought Wizard Boy.  "Somebody out there must be special like me.".  Sure enough, one day, a letter did come.  Grandma heard the mail slot clank open and screamed for Wizard Boy to retrieve the copious piles of junk mail and porno mags.  But nestled within the smut pile is a shiny purple envelope addressed to ... to... Wizard Boy!?  Our hero's heart almost lept out of his chest.  Could this be the ticket out of his Grandma reeking hell that he has always dreamed of?!

Wizard Boy ripped open his ornate envelope and in bright glittery gold writing he read...

Dear Wizard Boy,

Congratulations on your acceptance to Crotchwarts School of Magic and Specialness.  We know you've always known that you  are special, we know it too.  Because we are special as well.  Do you want to learn how to be more special?  We can teach you how to be even more special, like us.  We eagerly anticipate your reply.  Please send your reply to Crotchwarts@gmx.com to receive your official CrotchWarts Acceptance Certificate!

Sincerly,

Headmaster - Turnbill Filbershimbles
(Order of Shazoom, First Class, Grand Captain, Chief. Rastler,
Supreme TangStabber, International Confed. of  Special People)

Wizard boy could not believe his eyes.  He actually was special!  No matter what his Grandmother said or how hard she tried to stop him, Wizard Boy knew he would attend this school!  TO BE CONTINUED....

Wizard Boy!

Hey kids!  You too can get an official CrotchWarts Acceptance Certificate!  Just send a kind email request to Headmaster Turnbill Filbershimbles at Crotchwarts@gmx.com.  Headmaster Filbershimbles will email you a certificate himself, if he feels that you are special enough.  If you are not special enough, you may just receive a scolding, derisive response along with a rejection certificate.  Good Luck Prospective Students!!

-

Unfortunate Albert

 

 There are very few people that ever experience being on the receiving end of genuine hatred.  A small percentage of humanity becomes something so socially and personally unappealing that they are truly untouchable, and inspire nothing but disgust and contempt in their fellow man.  Albert is one of these unlucky few, a true reject in every way.

 

Albert was born as the product of fourth-generation inbreeding, distilling a white trash essence so pure that he never grew teeth as a child, and became a malnourished runt that was far too short for his age.  He remained with a raw, toothless hole until the day his grandfather died and he inherited his dentures when he was twelve years old.  Now able to eat solid foods, Albert's weight skyrocketed to over four hundred pounds, leaving him in the awkward position of having a waistline longer than he was tall.

 

And when he spoke the noise came out like a phlegmy cough, complete with a foul mist of saliva that would leave anyone within earshot with a sticky coating that smelled like the inside of a prosthetic leg.  No one was ever able to tolerate him long enough to allow for proper speech development.  He would sweat brown fluid so profusely that it was visibly oozing from his skin, like a slowly squeezed kitchen sponge.

 

Albert was profoundly stupid and attended "special needs" schooling, but was never accepted among the retarded community.  He was the butt of their cruel taunts, and looked down upon as something not only abnormal, but nearly inhuman.  Tales of his worthlessness spread beyond his hometown, and soon his home was blacklisted by Jehovah's witnesses and sales people began to ignore his "solicitation welcome!" sign.

 

In his twenties Albert began to feel very much alone and depressed.  The suicide prevention hotline blocked his phone number after repeated calls.  He tried to hang himself several times, but was so poor at tying knots that he always ended up crashing to the ground.  He was a very sorry bastard indeed.

 

Unable to work, he was supported mostly by disability from the government.  He was assigned a very nice social worker woman to meet with him monthly and monitor his progress.  The nice lady found him so disagreeable that she eventually tried to kill him with her shoe, but was acquitted without prejudice when her defense attorney called Albert as a witness.  He was able to win a civil suit, however, and survives happily on the large government settlement.  And now he lives the American dream, fat on the teat milk of the society that despises him.

 

Scum City Avengers - Mega Man 2 - Dr. Wily Stage 1 / 2

Hooray!!  It's time for another one of Terlet's musical posts!!  You're going to want to hold onto your dong thongs tight today kids, I've got a doozy of a song for ya!  Video Game Music covers are all the rage and the song you are about to hear will not disappoint.  Or maybe it will..... Fuck  you....

Once upon a time in a magical land called Colorado, there was a band called the Scum City Avengers.  They rocked and were loved by all.  Then one they broke up and everyone was sad.  They had a great version of Doctor Wily's theme from Mega  Man 2.

Please enjoy.... Scum City Avengers....  Mega Man 2

Colorado's own - Scum City Avengers

-

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 Have you tried in vain to find someone that shares your unique interests on one of those cookie-cutter online dating sites?  Have you ever wasted time and money meeting someone you met online just to find out they are not willing to love you the way you need to be loved?  Have you ever had an online dating profile declined due to indecent or explicit content even though you were just being honest?  Well now there is a place designed just for you and your community.  Introducing the new alternative online dating service www.giveandtakefetish.com

We at giveandtakefetish.com believe that the internet is the ideal tool for pairing people together that share unique and rare interests, and that this has been a sadly neglected avenue for organized dating efforts thus far.  We specialize in finding compatible matches among people with complimentary fetishistic preferences.

Are you a body modification enthusiast with superfluous amputations?  We will find you that special someone that is into stump-fucking.  Or maybe you like to dress up in diapers and soil yourself while rubbing food all over your face, in which case we can find you a naughty nanny to wipe your bottom.  And we are doing our part to curb domestic violence by pairing sadistic wifebeaters with willing masochists that will indulge their every thrashing with glee.

So before you roll the dice with another awkward date that ends in disappointment when  you find out your plans to introduce sewing needles and a taser into the bedroom is not welcome, sign up at our website and complete the brief questionnaire.  And remember: one person's freaky is another person's fabulous!  But don't take our word for it... Read these awesome testimonials!

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Burly's House Of Fences

Burly Billy wants to fuck your fence.

The names Billy, but you can call me Burly, it's short for Burly Billy.  Can I just have a moment of your time to discuss your fence-less yard?  One of the true travesties of American life is a gorgeous yard without an equally gorgeous fence to enclose it.  Now I am biased, I do own and operate Burly's House Of Fences but besides that, I just can't bare to look at such a wasted landscaping opportunity.

I can tell you are skeptical but I think I know just the thing to get you interested in modern fencing.... Did you know that you can...... fuck a fence?...............  I know I know, it's funny to hear, but, man or woman, you can fuck anything if know where to stick it.

Take this for example, a classic, the Picket fence.  Now, Picket fences are known primarily as a pretty front yard enclosure, there are many financial benefits of utilizing a picket fence in the back yard too.  I normally build them to a height of 4 feet, although they can also be 3 or 5 feet tall to suit your desires. Picket fences are best used in situations where a small child or pet needs to stay close at hand, or if you are just into spinners.  A dainty little Picket fence is like fucking a cheer leader.  It's all spunky with little slots!  HOT HOT HOT!!

Slutty little Picket!

Personally, if you want to go with wood, I am a big fan of Split rail fences.  They are as beautiful as they are historically significant, and they can fuck like a tortured horse. Split rails were the most popular kind of farm fence at the turn of the last century.  Did you know that Abraham Lincoln supposedly used to "split rails" for a living?  "Splitting rails" is Barricadophile code for "he fucked fences". These types of fences can be built with either two or three rails, and can be enhanced with the addition of either barb, hog, or chicken wire, whatever your kink!

I'd like to Split that Rail...

If you like cold metal against your skin, you may want to try a residential Chain Link fence.  The "Chain Kink" fence, as I like to call it, is fucking sexy!  It provides the classic boundary for your property and offers medium security along with hot gaping metal holes. These fences come in a standard height of 4 feet, but they can be built as high as 6 feet tall. My residential chain link fence comes standard with a big, thick galvanized rail across the top.  This makes it easier to rock on top of and gives increased stability.

Sexy and See-Through

I see that the Chain Kink has stoked your imagination.  It that gets you hard, then you might be interested in my dirty little fence secret, the Security Chain Link fence.  Now listen friend, if your home needs maximum protection against potential thieves, vandals and dickheads, or you just like painful, badass, kinky sex, you'll want to invest in a security chain link fence topped with concertina (razor) wire and/or barb wire. These types of fences are typically used in commercial and industrial applications where perimeter security is at a premium, but I can hook you up.  This is the ultimate dominatrix of fences.  She will clean your pipes and have you begging for more.  Now this is not a fence for beginners.  If this is your first fence, we may want to try something that gives you less of a chance of castration.

Be careful with this temptress, she bites!

Now staying on the metal theme, I present to you, the Residential Wrought Iron fence.  This little bitch provides a classic boundary for your property and actually offers medium security, free of charge. These sturdy fences are yielding and reliable.  This is the housewife of fences.  This is a fence that you could fuck the shit out of and then let the kids play on.  A Wrought Iron fence will last for maintain it's beauty and pleasure giving abilities for years.  You never know, one day your grandson could be fucking this fence. She comes in a standard height of 4 feet, but she can be built as high as 6 feet tall.

Firm, reliable, it knows what your body likes.

Now some people get off on Vinyl fences made from PVC.  While not all that attractive, they will provide years of maintenance-free service. These types of fences are becoming popular with everyone from homeowners to farmers, because they're strong enough to do the job and clean up really easy.  You can spray whatever you want on a Vinyl fence.  Semen, vomit, blood, feces, whatever gets you off!  All it takes is a few sprays from the garden hose and your secret kink is washed away before the neighbors wake up.  Vinyl fences can fulfill many of your fencely desires, they come in a variety of shapes and patterns, from picket fences and basket weaves to shadow box and several full privacy selections. If you like your sex interracial, they come in two colors - white or tan. I can even install vinyl railings for your porch, stairway, or deck for ease of access.

Easy to clean!  Spray whatever you want on it!

I've saved the best for last my friend.  The Aluminum fence!  These sexy little fuckers have recently evolved to become a cheaper, sexier, automated alternatives to the more expensive Wrought Iron fences. Like the vinyl fences, a decorative aluminum fence will provide years of maintenance-free security.  But the Aluminum fence can also do something that the other fences can't.... It can fuck you back! 

The Fence that can Fuck back!

These babies can be equipped with an automatic gate operator that swings or slides the fence open and closed.  I can tell from your expression and that bulge in your pants that you are titillated!  These fences will withstand years of harsh weather, and the only suggested maintenance is a good washing once a year.

The "Hips" of the Aluminum Fence.

As you can see, there are many choices of fence available in today's marketplace.  Take this chart to help you decide, and when you are ready, come on down to Burly's House of Fences and we will get some fence pussy all over your dick!  And some fence dick for the wife too!

-

True Awkward Story

 "Elliot, it is my understanding that you are very interested in the position of wage officer here at DriskolTec, and by the looks of your resumé I would say you are more than qualified.  But you must understand, Elliot, that we do not hire solely on the profile you prepared for us.  I would like to ask you a few additional questions that are designed to reveal some key personality traits that we may find desirable in potential employees, and maybe a few that we would prefer to avoid, as well.  This is by no means a test with right and wrong answers, but rather a study to learn about yourself and your motivations.  Do you agree to participate?"  The suited man never broke eye contact and appeared to never blink.  His expression was pleasant but seemed superficial.

 

"Of course sir, it would be my pleasure.  I am always eager to learn more about myself.  I consider introspection a very healthy practice."  In truth Elliot was nervous.  He had already completed a pretty thorough paper questionnaire, and the oral interview was in it's second hour.

 

"Excellent, Elliot.  We will begin in just a few moments, but please allow me to briefly prepare."  The man stood up, seeming taller than when the two entered the room.  He casually unbuttoned his pants and took them off, gently folding them along the pleats and setting them aside before again taking his seat.  Elliot wasn't sure if this was part of the test or if the man was just preserving the garment.  The pants did look very expensive...

 

"Thats much better.  Alright, where were we?  Oh yes!  Firstly, do you consider yourself a traditional man, or a man without conventional sensibilities?"  He sat with pen to paper in anticipation of the potentially revealing response.

 

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I understand the question.  What is a 'traditional man' in your estimation?"  Elliot's question went unanswered, but the man hastily scribbled some notes and mumbled.

 

"Secondly, if you found yourself less than what you always thought you could be, would you endeavor to become what once you thought you never were?"

 

Elliot took a long pause... "Are you serious?  I have no idea how to answer that question."

 

"Aha, yes indeed."  The man scribbled more before asking again.  "And if you had really cold feet, like almost frozen, would you let me warm them up any way that I wanted?"

 

"Um, I don't know.  How would you warm them up?  With blankets or something?"

 

"Yes, Elliot.  Blankets.  But I might also want to hold them.  Make them warm with my neck-heat.  Nothing weird, just two men trading touches, nothing more."

 

"I am not sure I am interested in this job anymore.  You are borderline sexually harassing me right now, and I don't really feel comfortable here."  Elliot rose to his feet and began to leave the room.  The man stayed seated but stated no protest to his leaving.  

 

A few minutes after Elliot left the man pulled his pants back on, and took another look at his documents.  "Damn."  He thought.  "This kid had it all.  But he only lives a couple of blocks from here.  I think I will go lay in his driveway for a few hours."  He never let a good potential employee get away.  Especially one with such beautiful feet.

Celebrity Slander: Completely Untrue Stories of the Rich and Famous

 We at Popular Irony are as shocked as the rest of the world when we heard the news of Tom Hanks' recent arrest in Atlanta, GA.  Long considered America's most beloved leading man, the star rose from his early comedic roles to become a greatly respected dramatic actor, producer, and even director.   But has he befouled his image enough with this recent situation to end his career?  Read on to find out!




Actual Fake Police Photo

 Early Sunday morning on January 29 police responded to an anonymous tip that directed them to the 2100 block of Atlanta's Clayton County ghetto to investigate an animal cruelty claim.  Upon reaching the scene the officers present observed "a dozen or more" men running from an enclosed parking area.  Several men were apprehended along with one man that was tentatively identified as actor Tom Hanks, despite the suspect's vehement denial of this identity.  This preliminary deduction was confirmed through fingerprint records accessed through cooperation with authorities within the State of California.  Upon interrogation Mr. Hanks reportedly became physically violent, so much so that he was required to be restrained for over three hours until his release to the custody of his wife, Rita Wilson, who posted the $25,000 bail required by the state.

At the scene several illicit drugs were seized along with eleven fighting roosters, each clad in fighting spurs and some showing damage from recent contests.  The remains of three deceased cocks were also collected, along with a half-eaten drumstick that was found in Mr. Hanks' left front jeans pocket.  A total of $1,300 was discovered at the scene and confiscated as evidence of illegal gambling.  And under the  Animal Fighting Prohibition Act that was signed by former President George W. Bush in 2007 the penalties that Hanks faces should he be convicted have stiffened, allowing imprisonment for up to three years.

But what may be more potentially damaging than imprisonment is the loss in consumer support, as there has already been reports of defacement of Hanks' position on the Hollywood walk of fame since his arrest Sunday morning.  Long considered the all-American good guy that mirrored a Rockwelian persona that is fading in this modern age of moviemaking, Hanks faces losing not only his freedom, but the love of millions and the coinciding diminishment of market value as an actor.  Our investigative department has uncovered public offers by fringe news organizations for a copy of the interrogation video that allegedly reveals a shocking and unexpected side of the beloved American icon, complete with racist, misogynist and crude language, and dangerous physical volatility.  Should this footage be leaked it would quite likely mean an end to the positive public image he has until now maintained, and transition him to late-night talkshow joke fodder forever.

We at Popular Irony would like to remind our readers that we never engage in unethical practices such as paying for the illegal release of fake police video footage, and despise animal cruelty in any form.