Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Return Of Bubba

You all saw it last night. A 66 year old former president took the stage in Charlotte North Carolina and tried to fuck our girlfriends. Sure, he made some speech about Obama or something, but we know what he was really up to. In between succinct statements that clearly demonstrated the absurdity of the republican campaign platform he was charming the drawers off your woman. Just remember what he is capable of. Back when he was president he did things with a cigar that most of us haven't yet accomplished with our penises, for god's sake!

At first I was like "Wow. He is expertly staking a democratic claim on America's future while simultaneously striking a familiar and pleasant chord with the undecided electorate..." But the it hit me. He is practically raping my girlfriend with his words. And my suspicions were confirmed when I caught her washing the couch cushions later that night, frantically hiding the evidence of her womanly juices.

Goddammit, how am I supposed to compete with this? In a mere 48 minutes he was able to undo all the work I put into my girlfriend over the course of seven long months, from paid dinners, romantic walks, and even three fucking twilight movies! And don't think this isn't your problem too, mister. Do you know where your girl is right now? Didn't think so. I know mine was supposed to come over after work today and that was four hours ago! She is almost certainly on the receiving end of an "Arkansas water slide" by now, and there is nothing I can do about it.

From what I understand, Bill Clinton has been sequestered in a dark room with only a bible and basic cable television for the last decade, allowed to leave only when representing his charity on the occasional world tour. And is it any coincidence that teenage pregnancy has been on a sharp decline since then? I think not. They don't call him "Panty-Dropping Presidente" for nothing.


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