Thursday, September 20, 2012

Animal Activists: Pet Emancipation Team

Have you ever looked through a screen door and witnessed a dog yearning to be free? Have you ever seen the instincts of a house cat dulled by imprisonment? If you have, then we need your support. We are P.E.T., the Pet Emancipation Team, and we are here to fight for the honor and soul of domesticated animals everywhere.

Our crack team of high-tech commandos are trained in the ways of home invasion, security system manipulation, and even hand to hand combat to make the most effective animal rights champions the world has ever seen. Our goal is simple: To identify at risk domestic pets and emancipate them at any cost. We cut prison-like chainlink fencing, jimmy windows, or kick down doors to make sure we have acquired our target, then give them the freedom that they so richly deserve. There is no team like us anywhere in the world, and although we are the most capable animal militants the world has ever seen, we are asking for help.

Currently we have all the necessary gear to make most simple animal extractions possible, such as balaclavas and gloves, but we want to take things to the next level. We need to purchase digital tag scanners and basic surgical equipment to remove the identifiers that stand between the animal's freedom and recapture, and we would like night vision equipment and bulletproof vests to allow us to better navigate our target homes in the dark and protect us from greedy slave owners.

Not sure if you want to donate yet? We understand. P.E.T is an extreme organization and you may need to know more about our methods before any financial commitment. First we identify the most unfit animal "owners" by means of a thorough ten-point examination, then infiltrate their homes under cover of night to obtain any imprisoned animals. Once emancipated, we release the animals in the nearest city park to live a newfound life of complete freedom without any interference from human interaction. The cats and dogs are able to scavenge and hunt just as nature intended, and turtles, birds, or other commonly domesticated species are able to find their way on their own.

Still not convinced? Well look at these statistics: Of our last 300 emancipations the animals have an estimated 3% survival rate past 48 hours with literally dozens of animals still unaccounted for. And when confronted by homeowners we have resorted to violence on a mere 46 occasions! If these numbers don't impress you enough to open your wallet just a little, then you must be some kind of meat-eating child molester. So just write your checks out to P.E.T. c/o Walter Cumberbatch, any amount accepted, and you too can be a part of the new revolution!


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