Saturday, April 14, 2012

AAARRGHH!!! MY FUCKING FINGERS!!




There I was, just waiting to board the plane and head out to my twentieth highschool reunion. I hadn't flown in years, and was expecting to be hassled by security since it has been heightened following 911, and wanted to minimize any delays by getting any metal out of my pockets, take off my shoes, etc... I saw the guy in front of me take off his wedding finger and I started to worry. I hadn't EVER removed my wedding ring, and I know I had put on more than a few pounds since I was married. I gave it a solid tug and... it wouldn't budge. So I put my finger in my mouth to provide some lubrication and then pulled REAL hard and... AAAARRGHH!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! My ring tore the skin at the base of my finger RIGHT OFF! Dear God, what fresh hell is this!? Wait... THE RING IS STILL ON!! It's tucked under the skin... IT'S TUCKED UNDER THE SKIN!! Oh my God... I can't even LOOK at it... AARGH!!!! -Stan Burly, Atlanta GA




I live with my husband and our two great dane dogs. We call them our children. My husband is usually the one that takes them for a walk since his 230lb frame can handle them so much better, but he was on a business trip and well, the dogs can't go without walking unless I want my house destroyed, so I took them out alone. I really didn't want to let them loose, since they are so energetic and might hurt themselves or something, and the sight of these two giant dogs makes people a little jumpy. So I had their leashes wrapped around my hand while we walked when suddenly they spotted a squirrel. I was pulled right off my feet and the leash was yanked free and... AAAAAAGGHH!! WHAT THE FUCK?! My finger was practically TORN OFF!! Oh God I can see the bone... It's like someone tore the drumstick off a FUCKING CHICKEN!! Why me?? WHY MEEE?!?! -Carolyn Peters, Kenneshaw WI





I work in a huge retail warehouse, and we are constantly moving boxes around, day after day, totally boring shit. Every once in a while somebody needs help opening a shipment and we all help each other out, even if we are on break or something. Well Gary is a real good guy, and I could see he was struggling with a bunch of swingset boxes while I was downing a cup of coffee, so I decided I would give him a hand. I guess I didn't put safety first and go back to my station to grab my gloves before going at it with a box cutter, and before I knew it... FUCK!! God Dammit, Gary, look at this shit!! I carved my finger ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE FINGERNAIL!! It burns... FUCK IT BURNS!! Oh man, my boss is gonna be PISSED! He always bitches at me for not wearing my gloves and now LOOK AT THIS SHIT!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK..... -Alan Parson, Cleveland OH





I am a janitor at a local school, and I consider myself a pretty handy guy, fixing things here and there. Well last winter we had a problem with the boiler system in the basement shortly before Christmas break, and it is a real pain in the ass to find a qualified maintenance guy that time of year, so I figured I would save the day and keep the pipes from freezing over the break. I never really went down there before, and I was lugging a toolbox through the maze of pipes and valves when I put my hand down for balance and... FUCK! Instant searing pain through my fingers and a burst of steam fogging up my glasses! HOLY SHIT LOOK AT MY FINGERS! They melted... THEY FUCKING MELTED!! I never had pain like this in my life... FUCKING HELL! Oh my God... Oh my God... -Barry Williams, Pittsburgh PA




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