Monday, April 16, 2012
A Parent's Guide To Identifying Dead Babies
Now we can review this image, for instance. The child lies motionless with no visible signs of breathing. Is it dead? Notice the lush complexion and open mouth. If possible, touch the skin and note the warmth. Good guess! This baby is sleeping, and very much still alive, and you didn't even have to wake it up to verify! It is best to identify signs of life without touching as babies are disgusting, and can become quite volatile if awakened abruptly.
But look at the bright side, you are going to save yourself thousands of dollars raising it. And if you decide to have another one you get to enjoy the best part of childbirth: The sex! And consider yourself lucky. Any parent would jump at the chance to change a few things here and there about raising their children. For instance, I would suggest NOT lining the crib with plastic bags for easy cleanup. Just make sure you dispose of the corpse discreetly, as the police may take action against you if they catch wind of the situation. And finally, we have a protip for prospective parents: Don't name the thing until it reaches 16 months of age. This will not only help you select a meaningful name for the baby, but will also lessen the stress should you accidentally drop it down some stairs while drunk, or something. Happy parenting!