Monday, April 16, 2012

A Parent's Guide To Identifying Dead Babies

Life is a fragile thing and it is at it's most vulnerable in infancy, and it is incredibly important for every parent to know some basic medical principles to ensure the well being of their children. While the above image is quite helpful to diagnose infant death in most scenarios, it does not always apply. Today we will review a few quick images to demonstrate a broader understanding of signs of life in babies.

Let's start with an easy one. Notice that this child appears alert, sits upright, and has it's eyes wide open. Clearly this is an alive baby, and there is no need to poke it or pick it up to verify. Just leave it alone, since it appears you have managed not to smother the life out of it yet. Now we can see if these simple details always indicate a live baby...

Here we have another baby. It has open eyes, it's arms don't appear to be dangling lifelessly at it's sides, and while it is not sitting up, it's head is not limply slumped over. But surprise! This is definitely a dead baby. Let's review the evidence. Although this is a black and white photo we can see that this baby has a pale complexion, it's eyes stare blankly forward, and a trained observer can tell this baby was propped up against a pillow to give it a more lifelike appearance. This baby needs to be disposed of quickly before it's rotting stench attracts scavengers.

Now we can review this image, for instance. The child lies motionless with no visible signs of breathing. Is it dead? Notice the lush complexion and open mouth. If possible, touch the skin and note the warmth. Good guess! This baby is sleeping, and very much still alive, and you didn't even have to wake it up to verify! It is best to identify signs of life without touching as babies are disgusting, and can become quite volatile if awakened abruptly.

Much like the image above, this baby is laying with closed eyes, but grasps it's favorite toys in it's little hands. There appears to be no signs of breathing, however, and seems cool to the touch. Is it dead? It may shock you to learn that yes, this baby is deceased. The clever photographer has skillfully placed the toys in this child's hands to hide it's otherwise obvious death. Now go wash your hands... you've been touching dead babies.

As you can see, it is not always easy to identify a dead baby, and touching it should be your last resort. Luckily we can employ some basic tactics that have been popularized by morning cartoons to help us distinguish the live and kicking littles ones from the filthy, landfill-bound dead ones. Just take a simple stick (one that can be easily disposed of) and give a slight prod to the baby. Babies are very sensitive creatures, and if they do not immediately begin crying then, well... you have yourself a dead baby.

But look at the bright side, you are going to save yourself thousands of dollars raising it. And if you decide to have another one you get to enjoy the best part of childbirth: The sex! And consider yourself lucky. Any parent would jump at the chance to change a few things here and there about raising their children. For instance, I would suggest NOT lining the crib with plastic bags for easy cleanup. Just make sure you dispose of the corpse discreetly, as the police may take action against you if they catch wind of the situation. And finally, we have a protip for prospective parents: Don't name the thing until it reaches 16 months of age. This will not only help you select a meaningful name for the baby, but will also lessen the stress should you accidentally drop it down some stairs while drunk, or something. Happy parenting!



  1. Thank you SOOOO much for these great tips! I already feel like a better parent after reading this :)

  2. Hi, I came to your website after googling "DIY tipf for constructing walls with dead babies", as you seem to know a great deal about dead babies, do you know of any tips for the home handyman in constructing a retaining wall with dead babies or todlers??

  3. This comment makes me happy. I nearly forgot how proud I am to have birthed this post. Thank you.

  4. It's so pity...babies are beautiful and small and it s pitty not to live