Thursday, April 12, 2012

Dubious Classified Ads

I was online looking for family owned and operated unlicensed massage parlors and came across several questionable ads. I'm not sure what kind of person would be dumb enough to respond to them, but they sure are hilarious!

Experienced Babysitter Available
Can take care of any children, but prefer boys age 5-12 y/o. No available references, but 25 years solid experience and around-the-clock availability for just $3/hr. Great with kids and totally STD free (recently tested). Call Owen at 555-2648

Lost dogs: All Types
I own many dogs and all are lost. If you find dog that are healthy and good condition is probably mine. Bring dogs to Kogi King BBQ Palace on 4th Ave, ask for chef Pei.

Female Subjects Needed
For sleeping medication testing in a non-clinical setting. Will pay $200 per person to test homemade meds in soaked rag format. Fatties need not apply, and remember to bring your jammies! Call "Bill" at 555-0915

Found: One Winning Lottery Ticket
Owner sought for 2.4 mil jackpot winning ticket found on the street. To claim come alone to the abandoned shack on 3rd and Sherry St at 2am sharp on April 26. Repeat, must be ALONE to claim.

Caregiver Wanted
I recently (and unexpectedly) received custody of twin four year old boys. They both have down syndrome and I just need someone to look after them for like, three hours or so. Will pay $300 cash to anyone willing to babysit them in their own home. For reasons I prefer not to discuss I cannot give my identity or contact info, but I will totally be right back to pick them up. Reply by email to with your address so I can drop them off.


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