|Father Dunson Gramalazzo|
Now that was some fucking Priesting! We're always supposed to add some extra pizazz on those big holidays. And speaking of Easter, what the fuck is up with those big, stupid Easter hats? Is this a new thing? Am I just now noticing?!
........... What's that Mrs. Rashton? It's an Easter Bonnet and it is tradition? Well, Fuck me sideways Mrs Rashton, do you know what else is tradition? Those Filipinos nailing themselves to crosses around Easter. Should we participate in that tradition as well Mrs. Rashton? Do you want me to nail your fat ass to the fucking wall?? No?? Well then take that stupid, fucking Chiquita Banana hat off, this is a fucking house of God for Christ's sake!!
As you can see, I splurged a little and got myself and Easter present, A new glass eye! I know you have all been tired of staring at that sucking socket wound since I lost my eye-patch. Not bad, eh? I think it looks almost completely natural.
Now, let's get down to business, you know why we're here.... It's Jesus story time. Don't fucking groan! I don't want to be here either. But I've got a good one for you today folks, the true story of Easter!
So we all know the story, Jesus was chillin' with his boys when that dick, Judas ratted out Jesus' operation to the Romans. Jesus had a good thing going on, Messiahing can be really fucking profitable. He had his fingers in every operation in the lower middle east. The Romans have waiting for their chance to take Jesus down, but so far he had been squeaky clean. Every time they think they have some dirt on him, Jesus' lawyers were able to get all the charges dropped. Jesus knew some of the best Jewish lawyers.
That all changed with Judas. Judas was able to present some evidence that even Jesus' craftiest lawyer couldn't worm his way out of. Irrefutable proof of Jesus' illicit activities against the Romans. Let's just say they had some "physical evidence" ok folks? Oh for fucks sake, "BODY FLUIDS"!
The Romans immediately set out to arrest Jesus. They busted in the door to Jesus' palatial estate. Topless woman scattered like glistening pigeons. "Jesus H. Christ, you are under arrest for crimes against the Roman Empire" shakily blurted the Chief Centurion. The Romans knew full well that Jesus was invincible and immortal and could wipe them all out with a flick of his wrist. Lucky for the Romans, Jesus thought it would be funny to go along with it. "Well I guess I'm arrested then" smirked Jesus.
The Roman Centurions took Jesus down to the station. They went through all that court bullshit with everybody throwing accusations back and forth, accusing this, defending that, blah blah blah. After a bunch of that, the courts found Jesus guilty and sentenced him to Death by Crucifixion. Jesus just kicked back and laughed through all of the proceedings.
No matter how hard the Romans tried, they could not inflict any damage on Jesus' body. "I'm the fucking son of God, you cocksmiths!" laughed Jesus. The Romans, embarrassed with their failed efforts at torture, came up with a plan. We just need everyone to believe that Jesus has been tortured! The Romans went to Jesus' jail cell, well, it had been a jail cell before Jesus twitched his nose and turned it into a massage parlor. The Chief Centurion approached Jesus with a bucket of his finest liquor.
The Chief Centurion bet Jesus couldn't finish the whole bucket of liquor in one go. Jesus laughed at the proposition and kicked back the entire bucket in seconds. "Ima thee fushcking shon of God, Ica dring anyfing bidges!!"
Jesus belched loudly and drifted slowly to the ground like a feather, lightly snoring. "Quickly! Before he wakes up!" The Romans rushed in and undressed Jesus, then they covered him in animal blood and threw a crown of thorns on his head. Jesus started to stir from his drunken stupor. The Chief acted quickly "Hey Jesus, I bet you can't carry this cross all the way up to Crucifixion Hill!'' Jesus responded with bouts of laughter and threw the cross over his shoulder "Ima could carry thirty of theshe fuckersh!"
And so the procession began, Jesus dragging his cross laughing hysterically as he is whipped repeatedly. "HA HA HA! THAT TICKLES!!" chortled Jesus as the leather slapped his skin but left no damage.
The Chief Centurion continued his plan, "Hey Jesus, sure you can carry that cross but I bet you can't stay up on it for a few days. Only a real man could do that."
"I'll take that bet!" Shouted Jesus. Using his telekinesis, Jesus made the cross float through the air and drove it deep into the soft earth. He then levitated above the ground and gently landed on the crucifix like a sparrow.
As the sun started to creep into dawn, Jesus had sobered up enough to question why he was doing what he was doing. "That fucking Centurion is making me look like a fucking bitch! Jesus, humiliated by the deception, flew off of they cross like a heavenly missile and left the earthly plane forever. The Centurion, watched Jesus flee and with that, ordered a "look alike" to be placed on the cross.
By the time the sun rose, a man was suffering and dying on the cross, but it wasn't actually Jesus. So that guy on the cross died and was buried, then a couple days later, some fucking schmuck comes out of nowhere and claims to be Jesus back from the dead. He didn't even look anything like Jesus, but everybody fucking believed him. He couldn't do magic or nothing.
Now here is the sad truth folks, Jesus doesn't know anything about this whole Christianity thing we got going on. He left earth and has been traveling across the galaxy ever since the 1st Easter. He hasn't even thought about earth in 2000 years. There are so many, much cooler places in the universe than fucking boring old earth. Did you know that there is a planet out there made of fucking chocolate!? I'm fucking serious, 100% milk chocolate and it is just teaming with gorgeous, eager whores!
So to sum it up, Easter is a bunch of bullshit and the Easter Bunny is an extra-dimensional manifestation of sexual potency. Did I mention that? Well, don't believe the Easter Bunny at the mall when he tells you its just a carrot in his pocket.