It's that time again! Another Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly to give you all the news that's fit to fap to. Today we will learn more about masturbation in mythology, useful applications of masturbation in modern life, and as always we have another installment of "Diff'rent Strokes".
Mythological Masturbators
Some social conservatives may find this hard to believe, but masturbation is not a modern invention that was spawned by the advent of internet pornography, but has been with us since we grew arms long enough to reach our junk. In fact we find bawdy tales of genital-fondling in ancient mythology that proves we have had a fixation on the practice that squirted its way into our cultural identity.
Take the Egyptian god Atum, for instance. Atum was supposedly the first of the ancient gods to be born from the river Nun. His birth was considered to be self-creation, and went even further when he created his first two children, Shu and Tefnut by masturbating them out of his turgid penis. This may seem like an impossible act, but luckily old Atum was known by the Egyptians as "The Great He-She". That's right, Atum was a hermaphrodite and therefore had all the equipment necessary to spawn children. This sounds like the ultimate act of inbreeding to me, and gives credibility to the argument that if you have an outie AND an innie you should wear a condom while pleasuring yourself.
Then there's the famous masturbating Mesopotamian god Enki, who was said to have created the Tigris river when he fondled himself so vigorously that his ejaculate spilled across the land forming the raging stream. Now it is worth saying that this story cannot be attributed directly to Mesopotamian lore, but was recounted in a Sumerian text. For those unfamiliar with the Sumerians, they are famous for bringing us the first western written language, and for creating Gozer the Gozerian and Zuul, who we all can remember nearly destroyed New York city.
But my favorite mythological masturbator is Pan, the half-man-half-goat god of the pastures. He is so horny that he would frequently hide his goatness to seduce women, and was a companion of the nymphs. Pan supposedly was the first entity to discover masturbation, and was so enthralled with the practice that he decided to teach it to the shepherds that he had dominion over. Naturally this helped eliminate the prevalent problems with sheep-fucking and spread across the globe like wildfire. So the next time you badger your badger remember to thank good old Pan!
Masturbatory Multitasking
We all know that the main reason for masturbation is for... well... pleasure. But the act also has many other applications that one can take advantage of, giving us all many more reasons to beat our meat!
For instance, did you know that wanking can be used to treat a whole host of medical issues other than blue balls? It helps to alleviate headaches, distract the mind from pain, balance endorphin levels in the brain, reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men, AND decrease the instances of cervical infections in women. I guess that's where the old folk saying "A healthy man has his cock in his hand" comes from!
Jerkin' the gherkin is also a common way that a person can improve their psychology. Masturbation relieves stress and helps a person distract themselves from the negative thoughts and circumstances that plague them in their personal lives. I can't help but think that Rick Santorum would be a lot less uptight if he gave himself a pounding every now and then. I hear he even got a tattoo of a crucifix on his penis to help him control the urges.
Diff'rent Strokes!
The Aristocrat- This method is a throwback from the Victorian era when ladies were fancy and guys were gentlemen. The most distinguising characteristic of this variant is the uplifted pinky, which is a trademark of the aristocracy in europe. And be sure to use the non-dominant hand. Why? Because you eat and shake hands with the other one, you filthy animal.
The Louisiana Dry Rub- Try this one to feel closer to nature, and enjoy a simple physics lesson at the same time! All that is required is a garden-variety stick or branch that is vigorously rubbed in a perpendicular fashion across the shaft of the penis, causing pain, smoke, and eventually, fire. Now you can have an alternative excuse to tell the ladies when they see your wounded, blistered, and scabbed todger!
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