It's that time again! Another Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly to give you all the news that's fit to fap to. Today we will learn more about masturbation in mythology, useful applications of masturbation in modern life, and as always we have another installment of "Diff'rent Strokes".
Some social conservatives may find this hard to believe, but masturbation is not a modern invention that was spawned by the advent of internet pornography, but has been with us since we grew arms long enough to reach our junk. In fact we find bawdy tales of genital-fondling in ancient mythology that proves we have had a fixation on the practice that squirted its way into our cultural identity.
For instance, did you know that wanking can be used to treat a whole host of medical issues other than blue balls? It helps to alleviate headaches, distract the mind from pain, balance endorphin levels in the brain, reduce the risk of prostate cancer in men, AND decrease the instances of cervical infections in women. I guess that's where the old folk saying "A healthy man has his cock in his hand" comes from!
Jerkin' the gherkin is also a common way that a person can improve their psychology. Masturbation relieves stress and helps a person distract themselves from the negative thoughts and circumstances that plague them in their personal lives. I can't help but think that Rick Santorum would be a lot less uptight if he gave himself a pounding every now and then. I hear he even got a tattoo of a crucifix on his penis to help him control the urges.