Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Dick Scustin and the Three Bears

Richard Theobald Scustin
Deep in an enchanted wood, there lived three friendly bears.  There was a  Mama Bear, a Daddy Bear and an adorable Baby Bear.  The bears lived happily together in a beautiful cottage.  The woods were a bright and cheerful place to live, there were many fruit trees and the rivers were teeming with delicious fish.  The bears had just awoken from a pleasant slumber and were going to take a stroll through the woods while their yummy breakfast porridge was cooling. 

Daddy Bear put on his suspenders and said to Mama Bear “That porridge smells delicious dear, I can’t wait to get home from our walk and eat it.”

“Let’s not walk too fast” said Mama Bear “I love spending time with my wonderful family on these beautiful strolls.”

“Anything for my beautiful bear wife.” Said Daddy Bear.

“Can we stop and see the baby bluebirds at Mama Bluebird’s nest on our walk?”  Asked Baby Bear.

“Of course son, Mama Bluebird is expecting us.” replied Daddy Bear.

“Yay!  I get to see baby bluebirds” sang Baby Bear.

Mama Bear filled the Bear’s breakfast bowls with steaming hot porridge.  “The porridge will be the perfect temperature to eat when we get back from our lovely family stroll.”

With that, the three happy bears started their daily walk around the woods, visiting with all of their woodland friends.

Moments later, a man in a camel hair sport coat carrying a duffel bag full of carpet supplies approached the Bears Cottage.  The man, his face a patchwork of skin grafts banged on the cottage door.  “Shamford’s Quality Carpets!”  The man continued to slam his dry, calloused fist on the door.  “Shamford’s Quality Carpets!  Did you people order some fucking carpets or what?!” 

The man pulled a suitcase out of his duffle bag and opened it.  There was a name engraved below the handle of the suitcase, it read “Dick Scustin”.  Dick rummaged in his suitcase and removed a soiled piece of paper. 
The smeared paper read “Carpet installation at 752 Whimsical Lane, Enchanted Wood, Magic Kingdom. 

Dick Scustin stared at the carpet installation work order and then glanced up at the address posted on the front of the cottage.  The address on the cottage read 527 Whimsical Lane.  “This is the Goddamn place all right.”  Dick continued to bang on the front door.  “I don’t have all day you fucks!  Do you want this carpet or not?!”  With the final pound of his fist, the cottage door swung open. 

Dick shambled into the cottage, dragging his duffel bag with him.  Dick surveyed the interior of the cottage.  “Are you kidding me?!  Goddammit!  I have to move all of the furniture myself?!” 

Dick Scustin, normally just a carpet salesman, was asked by his boss to do a couple of carpet installations.  The normal carpet installer was gifted with a goose that shits diamonds and no longer needed a carpet installation job.  “Come on Dick, be a team player.  It is only until we hire a new carpet installer.”  Dick’s boss had said to him.  Dick responded with a stern middle finger and a tirade of slur laced profanity.  Dick ended up taking the job, his carpet sales job was not always enough to pay for his necessary skin grafts. 

Dick's brittle bones audibly creaked as he moved every piece of furniture on the ground floor out the front door of the cottage and into the yard.  The kitchen table gave him special trouble.  On the table were three varying size bowls of porridge.  "What kind of asshole leaves good food just sitting out?!"  Dick shouted as he dumped the bowls of porridge into the sink.  

Once the kitchen table was successfully shoved into the yard, Dick headed upstairs.  There were three beds.  A small bed, a medium bed and a large bed.  "Goddammit!  Three beds!" Dick shouted as he started dragging the largest bed to the stairway.  

The bed frames were made of hardwood logs and were very heavy.  Dick got in front of the bed and started dragging it down the stairs.  With several jerking tugs, the bed was firmly lodged in the stairway with Dick stuck downstairs.  "Goddammit!  Now how the fuck am I supposed to re-carpet the upstairs!?"

The Three Bears wandered down a flower lined, cobblestone path.  The path ran along a babbling brook that led straight back to their lovely cottage.  Baby Bear giggled and skipped down the road, his smiling parents following close behind.  As they rounded a corner they saw their cottage.  

All of their personal possessions were strewn about their yard.  "What's happening Daddy?" asked the Baby Bear.

"I'm not sure son."  Responded Daddy Bear.

As the drew closer to the house they could hear a constant stream of cursing.  Suddenly a man in a camel hair sport coat with a face like a patchwork doll rushed out of their doorway flinging an armload of cut up carpet into the yard.
"What are you doing?!"  Shouted Daddy Bear.  

"What's it look like I'm doing?  Shamford’s Quality Carpets!  I am installing the new Goddamn carpets!"  Shouted Dick

"We did not order any carpets!" Yelled Daddy Bear.  "What are you doing to our house?!"

"For your information asshole, I was going to rip it out on a Friday and install on a Monday.  It gives the floor underneath time to breath!  And I don't work on weekends!"  Shouted Dick.
"No!  You are going to fix this right now!"  Screamed Mommy Bear.

"Wait, did you say you didn't order new carpets?  questioned Dick.

"NO!"  Yelled the Bears

"So this is some sort of prank!  You people are just wasting my time!"  Dick stuck out his middle finger and waved it in the Bear's faces.  "I don't have time for Goddamn Bear practical jokes!"  

Dick scooped up his duffel bag and briefcase and promptly stomped away from the cottage.  "Fuck you!"  Dick shouted one last time.

The Bears, shocked, stood motionless for several seconds.  The violent crying of Baby Bear woke Daddy Bear out of his stunned stupor.  "Where is that little monster!?" Shouted Daddy Bear.
But Dick was already off, banging on doors, swearing at the elderly, screaming at children and selling his carpets.  They are quality carpets.

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