Saturday, September 10, 2011

An Inappropriate Eulogy

Scott was so much more to me than a great friend. We grew up two blocks away from each other, and every day of the summer we would go on adventures that are only possible at that age. Scott was always the most popular kid around, and when he was picked first for baseball everyone knew I was on the team too. We were a package deal, and he was always looking out for me.

We shared so many "firsts" together, from our first scary movie, our first camping trip, and our first sexual experience. With Scott you never had to ask for a reacharound, he always had a tight grip before getting shaft deep. That's just the kind of guy he was.

And as I look around I see just how many people loved him. Jenny, he always talked about you and the kids. You were his soul mate for the last eight years and nothing could break that bond. I remember back in 2005 when he told me about how he realized he would love you forever. He told a wonderful story about when you were first dating and you found yourself unexpectedly pregnant. After he explained how unprepared he was to be a father, and how he would never get a career started with a new family, you agreed to give him the most selfless gift a woman can offer her boyfriend. An abortion. Immediately after the procedure was complete he stared into your disoriented, tear-soaked eyes and knew that he would love you forever.

And that commitment was stronger than that abortion. It was stronger than cheating with a stripper at his bachelor party. And it was stronger than gambling-induced bankruptcy. You are a remarkable woman, Jenny. And even though all of his friends despised you and tried to convince him he could easily find a more attractive wife, he stood by you. Now surely your grief would never allow you to become a wife again, leaving you forever alone as a widow. But to me you will always be a WILF, and you should take comfort in that.

Scott was not only the most romantic man, but also the most resilient man I ever knew. So imagine my shock and surprise when I heard he had passed away after choking on his lunch. His untimely demise reminds me that when your number is up there is no escaping death. I have seen Scott nearly swallow an entire Corona bottle without a single shudder, and he was done in by a piece of hastily chewed sirloin. And now heaven has one more beautifully hung angel.

And I know that Scott would not want all of us crying over his passing, but rather celebrating his life. So I ask that you all join me after the wake at Seedie's, the gentleman's club for the kind of sendoff Scott would have wanted. We will be having both bushy AND shaved chili waterfalls courtesy of Scott's second favorite girl in the world, Trashy Tammi. And at the end of the night Tammi has agreed to get Scott's name tattooed above her world famous C-section scar, a memorial to be seen by countless thousands in the coming years.

We will all miss you, Scott. God bless.

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