Monday, September 26, 2011

Surviving the Apocalypse Made Easy

We all know it is bound to happen some day, maybe ten thousand years from now, maybe even a million or two.  But if we are all lucky it might happen within our lifetime!  This guide is a quick reference to surviving the apocalypse.  Whether it be catastrophic meteor impact, widespread disease and famine, or global warfare, these tips are invaluable.  .This could even work for a zombie outbreak, or something less likely such as the rapture.  So sit back and absorb the knowledge.  It might save your life one day.

Firstly, regardless of the cause of the mass extinction you are going to need the big three:  Food and water, shelter, and defense.  Remember to keep an eye out for renewable food an water when scavenging, since a sure thing prairie dog hunt beats a single gourmet meal in the long run. 

One clever way to recycle urine into a small scale renewable water source is accomplished in any warm or hot climate.  Gather some plastic sheeting (a trash bag will do, the darker colored, the better!) and a small cup or can to gather the payload.  Simply dig a hole, piss in it and place the can in the dead center of the hole.  By stretching the plastic over the hole and placing a small stone in the center you can guide the resulting condensation to an apex, causing the pure water to drip into the container.  Don't be shy, after all, Gandhi drank his own urine everyday!
Got urine?

Recycling solid waste is a more difficult and less appetizing proposition, but will make perfect sense when times are desperate enough.  One little known fact is that human feces is rich in nutrients that are improperly or incompletely digested in the body, and can sustain life in a starvation situation.  The living fauna component of the waste is both dangerous, and a nice nutritional bonus to the vegetable and meat makeup of most colon material.  To make the emergency rations safe to eat simply boil the feces to kill all living parasites and bacteria.  Season liberally, for obvious reasons.
Strain through cheesecloth after boiling

When it comes to shelter in the apocalyptic landscape of terror and misfortune, survivors will be confronted with a plethora of available real estate for the taking.  Before occupying the nearest mansion in your city you should take a few things into consideration.  First you will want to be near a food and water source, since you won't want to be dining on your feces quite yet.  And choose something strong and impenetrable, considering human invasion as well as other environmental forces that could expose you to certain death.  Avoid a rookie mistake:  Cinderblocks seem to make a great fortress, but one man with a sledgehammer can end it all.

Being prepared for the apocalypse also means becoming a gun owner.  No matter how you feel about them politically, you are going to want one when shit goes down.  A .22 rifle is probably the single best choice, since you carry more ammo than any other weapon.  But it doesn't end there.  You are going to need some hand to hand weaponry and tools.  Make your next paycheck a shopping spree at the hardware store.  The essentials are a hatchet and axe, machete, three foot heavy chain with padlock, and a crowbar.  Bring lots of cash, because you will be inspired by the variety.

Preparedness can be sexy!

So take this advice to heart, dear reader, and I will see you at EDEN 2.  I will be the fat guy doing all the fornicating... er, I mean repopulating.

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