Monday, September 12, 2011
Hamtackle 2012! A Future Worth Voting For
Thank you America for joining me today for this important message from your future leader. Before taking office I wanted to open a dialogue with every citizen of this great union to discuss the nature of my upcoming administration. This will be the first of many opportunities for my subjects to voice their opinions, thus cleverly masking my imposed agenda as democracy.
My campaign staff has spent countless exhausting hours calculating success/failure probability ratios of several methods of controlling this massive country, and their recommendations will have varying appeal to the general public. So please take a few moments to review the below options and make your vote count in the right margin of this blog page. I suggest you take this chance to be heard. You may never get another one.
Option #1: Communism I am not entirely sure about this one. It seems like a lot of work for me. Basically the government would take over industry and commerce and run it with a balance of economic demands and human needs in place. Resources would be directed to the more impoverished areas (Detroit) and the places with the greatest need of infrastructure repair (also Detroit). This is all done to cut cost in production through preventative measures. Since all industry is unified, each city has a vested interest in it's neighbor's success and vice versa. Critics point out that lack of personal incentives at the individual level makes this unrealistic, and the tendency for power to strip the working class of individualism makes it dangerous. Despite some rather disturbing historic failures in attempting this option I am willing to give it a try.
Option #2: Libertarianism I really like this idea, and it is my current frontrunner. My first day in office would consist of appointing a committee of state Governors to oversee the transition of the vast majority of my responsibilities to the state and local government. This would be great, since I am sure you would agree that your president is incompetent, but your mayor is a genius. Then I get to sit on my ass and occasionally sign and veto bills, or entertain foreign leaders. And if the whole country goes down the shitter I shoulder NONE of the blame. And I still get exclusive access to "the button".
Option #3: Dictatorship This choice has potential to be incredibly fun. A dictatorship can last a lifetime if done properly (as in, violently), and it takes a lot of time and dedication. But once complete control is in place the world becomes my oyster! I could rebuild the White House into a 50 story monstrosity, build an arsenal of weapons that would make China pee themselves, and hoard the wealth of the largest national economy in the world! But if I were to choose a dictatorship I promise I would make sure the needs of the people were met before I took a moment's rest. Trust me.
Option #4: Anarchy This would be a worldwide crowd-pleaser, particularly in the middle east. My first course of action would be to assemble all congressmen, senators, and governors to one meeting, and have them all shot in the head. Then move to Switzerland to watch the chaos from afar. The downside is that most likely you all would die a slow and suffering death, and there isn't much by way of financial benefit for me personally.
So there you have it, people. Make your choice in the poll on the right and I will take careful consideration of your choices before doing whatever I want.