Sunday, September 25, 2011

David and Delilah

Father Dunson Gramalazzo
Hey everybody, we still doing this thing?  I thought we were taking football season off from church, like we have since the season started.  You were all here the last 2 weeks?  .... Oh Shit.  Sorry folks, I forgot to tell you about that idea didn't I? 

Well, let's take a vote.  All in favor of leaving now and watching some football, raise your hands.  All in favor of doing the normal boring Catholic thing, raise your hands.  Really!?  Come on folks, I've got a few bills riding on Michael Vick. 

Fine, fine!!  Calm down Mrs. Rashton, you will not go to hell for not going to church, whoever told you that is full of shit.. . . . .  Bishop Donnely told you that?  Well, if anyone asks, it didn't come from me but, Bishop Donnely enjoys the company of men a little too much, if you know what I am saying...?  No?  Well how about, he likes to lay his healing hands on wayward lads a little too aggressively...?   Still not getting it huh?   He's a Dick-Taster!  . . . . . . . . Whaaat?!  Whaaaat!?     You people have not fucking sense of humor.

As you can see, the pink-eye is still sticking around, and now I have this lovely cold sore.  I would advise against handshakes on the way out of here today.  I have been touching my face a lot.  The doctor says I might have some rare case of Pink-Eye, some new strain or something.  The Lord sure can be a prick in mysterious ways.

Let's see here.  Have I ever told you folks the one about David and Delilah?  No smart ass, not Samson and Delilah, no not David and Goliath!   Are you people even fucking listening to me?  David and Delilah!

It was a few years after Delilah did that whole "hair cut murder plot" and she was still swimming in Philistine riches for her work.  She opened several successful brothels and was quickly cornering the skin-trade market.  She would have been fine if not for her secret addiction.  Since her adventure with Samson, she has developed a serious hair fetish.

But when you are the richest Madame in Sorek Valley, hair is easy to obtain.  Delilah has a sprawling palatial estate with many rooms.  One of the rooms is well hidden and well locked.  Inside of the windowless stone room is heap after heap of human hair.  She spends her evening balled up, sleeping in the human rats nest.

She thought she had everything she could ever want.  That was until she saw David, David and his giant's head.  Several years earlier, David had killed Goliath with a single rock hurled from a sling.  Ever since then, the diminutive David has carried his gristly prize with him everywhere.  He carries Goliath's head by it's hair.  The head is very well preserved.  The scalp of the giant's head is still filled with thick, luscious, giant Philistine hair.  David loved it, it was a great ice breaker at parties.

David decided to wander through Sorek valley and see the sites.  With his giant, decapitated head slung over his shoulder by the hair, David strode confidently down the street.  Not a single person has been brave enough to start shit with David since the whole "giant killing" business, so David was surprised to find himself knocked to the ground, his trophy ripped from his hands.

David rolled over in the dust to face his attacker.  He was shocked to find a well dressed woman clutching Goliath's head and breathing deeply on it's scalp.  "Ma'am that is my decapitated head!  I demand that you give it back this instant!" shouted David.

"Or what?"  Cackled Delilah. 

"Bitch, do you know who I am?!" Retorted David.

"Some asshole who is too much of a pussy to hold onto such a lovely head of hair."  Cooed Delilah.

"I am warning you Ma'am.  Don't make me use force"  David's hand reached for his belt, where he removed his sling.  David's other hand went to his pouch where he retrieved a stone.  "I can kill you with a single sto-" 

Before David could finish his sentence, Delilah swung Goliaths head by the hair and brutally connected with the side of David's head.  It literally sounded like two coconuts being smashed together. 

Delilah stood over the unconscious David and spit directly into his gaping mouth.  "I've taken down men bigger than you."  Delilah took another deep snort through her sinuses and again, hocked into the unconscious David's mouth.

Delilah joyfully skipped home and spent the next few nights locked inside of her hair room.  She mounted Goliath's head on a pole so it is easier to brush the hair.  She now knows for a fact that Goliath is a better kisser than Samson.  Samson always put too much tongue into it.  Goliath is more ....... demure.

What about David??   Well, David eventually woke up with all of his clothing having been stolen.  He cried a little bit and shambled home without his prized human head.  He lived the rest of his life, sad and wanting.  Well, that's it!  I hope you folks enjoyed that tale.

What's the moral of the story??  Well, um. . . .   How about...

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Now are you all still sure that you want to meet next week?  Why don't we all meet at the stadium and we can tailgate a service?  Come on!!   You people are no fucking fun.  It's because of you that Catholicism is fucking dying. 


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