Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Little Known Lady Facts with Todd Akin

Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin
Well, a warm southern greeting to you all.  It's me, the esteemed Todd Akin.  All them political types are in an uproar over some comments I made recently about woman not being able to get pregnant in cases of "Legitimate Rape".  A lady's body is an amazing thing and it hides many secrets.  If a real rape occurs, not one of them dames who were "asking for it" a woman's body puts out hormones and such to stop their bodies from making a baby.  God made a woman's biology to have the ability to choose when the baby gets to a bakin'.  Interesting fact huh?  Well, I got a few more of 'em.

1. Did you know that if frivolously educated, a woman runs the risk of spontaneously "gender swapping" and growing a vestigial micro penis?  It's true!  That's because science has proven that the Y chromosome is the primary source of logic and reasoning.  On the inverse, gay and transgender men are just men with very low I.Q.s.  That's proven Missouri Science right there!

2.  It's amazing that even though they are mostly made of rib bone, some woman are able to get very fat.  This is God's will so that if involved in a water landing, woman can be used as a flotation device.  I guess them fatties really are "big boned".

3.  Woman also have an affinity for diamonds.  This demonstrates their propensity to be easily distracted by shiny objects.  I once had a mistress chase a highly chromed care for 3 city blocks before she got tuckered out.

4.  Woman are notoriously clumsy beasts.  To best protect your property, wash the cutlery yourself and buy shatterproof dishes.  Also, did you know that most cable boxes will allow you to password protect all channels other than food network?

5.  Like any other animal, women respond positively to a variety of training methods.  I personally employ both positive and negative reinforcement on a daily basis.  Reward her with treats of chocolates.  Unless she is fat, then you make her shake for her treat.  Everyone has such fun.

6.  After childbirth, a woman needs to consume copious amounts of milk to keep her breast sacks full for baby feeding.  Even if she doesn't like milk or uses that lactose intolerance excuse, keep making her drink it.  Plus, more milk equals bigger boobs!

7.  Women love to imitate, so they may feign reading and writing.  Save time by signing your wife up for a mail in ballot.  It will save countless hours teaching her how to vote.

8.  Want some tips for finding a good wife?  Look closely for signs of dental work.  Contrary to instinct, this a good thing as it indicates she was well cared for by her previous owner.  For best results, choose a wife early and have her parents raise her to your specifications.  When you first meet your prospective mate, approach her slowly with palms up.  If she sniffs your hand and smiles, you are free to stroke her mane.

Good luck men and happy hunting!


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