Tuesday, November 15, 2011

How I Met Your Daddy

  All was quiet at the Raccoon Ridge Mobile Home Park on the night that I met your daddy. Ya' see, Frank and his band, "Rub Roy" had taken the night off from practicin' on account of the Pork-n-Beans cook-off out in Beaterville a county over.  I used to be pretty regular over there at Frank's garage on practice night back in those days.  But Jessie Lee's sister was absolutely legendary for her Hawaiian Pork-n-Beans recipe, so they were obliged to play the cook-off as a favor to her.

  Well, seein' as our usual night of heavy metal and Old Milwaukee was out.  Me and your cousin, Gina, as girls will do, decided to go shoppin'.  We got in Gina's Ford Tempo and headed off to the Walmart Supercenter in Phelscher Springs.  We didn't have no mind to buy nothin' in particular.  We were going just to go.

     So there I was, elbow deep in the $5 DVD bin.  I swear I had seen a copy of The Delta Force way down there.  I look up and down the automotive aisle I see him leaning up against the car stereo display; black Nikes, baggy JNCO shorts that came down to his mid calf, gray undershirt, and a sexy-ass ICP hoodie.  I had never known until that very moment what my type was.  The stain on his undershirt said Doritos, but the toothpick in his mouth said beef jerky.  Our eyes met, and I swear lightening shot right out of his eyes and into my heart.  I knew at that very moment, I was going to get pregnant by him.

   I lifted myself from the display.  He tried to play it cool, looking away to belch thunderously.  But as exhaled, he glanced my way again. I knew he was beckoning for me.  Just then, that whore, Tasha, come flying out of the sporting goods section.  Tasha worked at Walmart since it opened, and all the guys knew they could get easy BJs over by where the guns were at.   She slung her slutty arms around him and squealed like a little slut pig.  He looked over at me all guilty and tried step away from her, but I'd seen. So I turned around and set off to find Gina.

     I found her just where I suspected I would, in the dressing room with a giant bag of Reeses Pieces.  I promised her I'd buy her two bags of peanut butter candies if she agreed to leave with me right that very instant. She agreed. 

     As you are well aware, Baby, late night Walmart procedure dictates that only a few cashier stands are open at the food end of the Supercenter.  And who do you suppose got in the check out line right behind me and my two bags of candy?  That's right, Punkin.  My knight in shinin' hatchet man sweatshirt, your Daddy!  He'd left that slut back in the ammo section where he'd found her, and he was back for me.

     He told me he liked my Ozzy Osbourne tie-dye.  I told him I was real flattered because I had shredded it myself.  He said he liked how he could see my bra through it, but it was still classy because you couldn't see my whole boobs.  

     That's when it happened.  He kissed me for the first time.  I knew then that it was both Doritos and beef jerky, but it was also destiny.  We made sweet love behind the shopping carts just inside those little short doors just for shopping carts.  Gina waited patiently in her Tempo and was rewarded with all the juicy details when I'd returned from my rendezvous.

     I never learned his name and I never saw him in that Walmart again, but I always look.  To this very day, I look.  And that is how you came to be in this world, Baby.

     Oh yeah, Gina talked to Tasha a year or two back, and turns out, he did get a BJ from her back by the hunting rifles, it was just real quick.


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