Sunday, November 6, 2011

Jonah and Jesus: Extreme Beach Party

Father Dunson Gramalazzo
 Top o' the Sunday to ya!  Ha ha!  This is how I should do every service... with a little Irish in me coffee.  Ahhhhh... I think today might be almost bearable.  Don't look at me like that Mrs. Rashton.  Jesus invented wine to make us happy and the Irish invented whiskey to make us not over-think religion.  It all fucking works out wonderfully.  

Speaking of, I wouldn't mind a bit of that sacramental wine, any other takers?  That's what I like to see!  Altar-boys, please break out the Dixie cups and our finest jug of sacrament. . . . . . . . .  Well you don't have to have any Mrs. Rashton, I don't give a shit.  Christ! She never stops complaining.  

Well let's get down to it then. . . Soul of Christ, make me holy. Body of Christ, save.. . What?  My eyebrow?  Ha ha!  Let's just say that tequila and fireworks are a bad combination.  A bad combination just like one of my favorite bible fabley type story things.  
The story of Jonah and Jesus: Extreme Beach Party.

It was a beautiful, sunny day in Israel.  Jesus was entertaining several beautiful ladies by the beach, as he did quite often.  It was easy to be the worlds greatest extreme aquatic sportsman when you can walk on water.  The ladies ooh'd and ahhh'd as Jesus caught wave after wave surfing with only his bare feet.

Jesus knew that nobody would be able to stop him from winning the Kosher Kahuna Surf Race contest.  There were no other men who could even come close to Jesus' level of surfing prowess.  Or so Jesus thought.
Jesus was practicing for the contest.  He was doing a handstand on the waves but before he could flip and land on his feet, a huge whale came crashing out of the surf knocking him off balance.

"What the fuck!?" shouted Jesus.  He looked up and to his amazement, on top of the whale was a leathery old man.  

"I hear you think yer some hot shit!  Eh, boy!?"  bellowed the old man.

"Now who the fuck do you think you are?!  Don't you know who I am?"  said Jesus.

"I know you and I know yer daddy!  Him and I have had dealings in the past.  You don't impress me boy!"  taunted the old man.  "I'm Motherfucking Jonah and this is my Whale, Gertrude."

"Bullshit! Jonah died a few hundred years ago!  Contradicted Jesus.

"Ha ha ha!  Yer daddy don't want nobody to know, but living inside a whale makes you immortal.  I've been ruling these oceans for the last few centuries.  You think you got what it takes to dethrone the fucking king of the seas!?" yelled Jonah.

"Fish or cut bait motherfucker!" screamed Jesus.

"Tomorrow at the Kosher Kahuna Surf Race contest.  We'll see what you got then you daddy's boy bitch!"  said Jonah as he hopped into Gertrude's cavernous open mouth.  

The whale sunk beneath the waves.  Jesus stared into the deep blue water for several minutes. "Motherfucker." said Jesus.

The next day the beaches were lined with hundreds of eager spectators.  Visitors came from miles around once the news of the epic surf battle got around.

Jesus was stretching on the beach when the announcer chimed in.  "Hey dudes and dudettes, welcome to the 5th annual Kosher Kahuna Surf Race contest!  The greatest, craziest, surf race in the entire holy land!   Let's welcome our competitors...."

Jesus paid no attention as the announcer named his competition.  These peasants had no chance against his skill.  "But where the fuck is Jonah?" thought Jesus "He is the only motherfucker who is a threat to me."

Jesus turned to wave at the crowd as he heard the announcer begin to announce him.  "Please welcome our 5 time champion, JEEEESSSSUUUUUSSSSS THHHHHEEEE  SAAAAAVIOOOOOORRR  CHRIIIIIIIISSSSTTTT!!!!!"  The crowd erupts in applause.

Jesus looked around as he waved.  "No sign of Jonah, thank me." thought Jesus.

Suddenly a mass in the distance grew larger as it quickly approached the beach.  It was Jonah, riding on the back of his whale, leather ropes in hand steering the beast.  "You can't start without the NEW champion!" hollered Jonah.  His whale speeding through the waves.

"Cunt shit!" mumbled Jesus.

"Holy shit dudes!" announced the announcer "its the motherfucking King of the seas!  Jonah and his Whale!"  The crowd screamed.

The competitors lined up in the water.  "The rules are simple.  There are no rules.  The first person to complete the course will be crowned the champion."  said the announcer.  

Jesus stood on the surf bent over in a sprinters stance.  Next to Jesus was Jonah standing on the back of Gertrude.  There were also several of the world's fastest swimmers, a midget in a row boat and a man with 2 ducks tied to his feet.  The ducks had already drowned.

Jesus stared at Gertrude for several seconds, his face in deep concentration.  Suddenly he relaxed.  "Good luck, Jonah." chuckled Jesus.

The gong was rung, starting the race.  Jesus set off full sprint towards the first buoy, followed closely by a Roman swimming phenom, the rowing midget, Duckfeet, various other competitors and bringing up the rear, Jonah.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Gertrude?!" shouted Jonah.

Suddenly Gertrude vomited several hundred gallons of wine into the water.  "JEEEESSSSSUUUUUSSSSS!!!"  screamed Jonah.  

Jesus smirked as he thought about turning all of the water inside of Jonah's whale into wine.  "Sometimes it is too fucking easy." thought Jesus.

So Gertrude died of alcohol poisoning and Jonah, without a whale to sleep in, died soon after. And yes, Jesus won the race, but it was neck and neck with that row boat midget at the end.  But that is a bible fact for another day.

Anybody for more wine?



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