Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Bible Belt Babble with Willard "Teabag" Chinsley: Volume 6

This hat gets me a discount at Arby's
 Ahoy, fellow tea pirates! It is I, Willard "Teabag" Chinsley, your faithful captain braving the turbulent waves of Obama's sharia fury! Join us here tonight as we discuss the benefits of public speaking while drunk, why the ladies love Herman Cain, and an argument that life begins on the first date.

There has been much talk about a speaking engagement for Rick Perry in New Hampshire this weekend, and we here at Bible Belt Babble will not lower ourselves to the level of the liberal media by joining in the stone throwing. That being said, clearly Governor Perry was staggeringly intoxicated when he took the podium that night, but that is a GOOD thing. Being drunk makes Perry a more human candidate, the kind of man that struggles with his weakness to chemical dependency just like the rest of us. And frankly, he is in good company when we are talking about conservative addicts. Just consider former President AND former alcoholic George W Bush, former cannabis and alcohol dependant Glenn Beck, and former/current prescription drug heavyweight Rush Limbaugh. And we must also weight the value of alcohol as a "truth serum" that lets us all see through the armor that all those sober candidates hide behind. The first presidential debate should be conducted at the Hooter's D.C. branch after happy hour. But then again, MUSLIMS don't drink... what, do they have something to hide?

Big Daddy Cain
Why is it that everyone makes such a big deal about conservatives that have an undeniable sexual magnetism with the ladies? Recently Herman Cain has found himself at the center of a manufactured controversy when it came to light that a few ungrateful ex-employees from the National Restaurant Association rudely accused Mr. Cain of sexual harassment back in the '90's. We should all keep in mind that for every woman that reports sexual harassment there are ten that don't report it. And their absence of objection is approval, meaning that women appreciate sexual advances by Herman Cain 10 to 1. Those approval ratings sound positively presidential.

We finish the newsletter tonight with the most important issue to the conservative mind (besides opposing taxation, of course), the issue of when life begins. Every year we see amendments offered at the state level to redefine personhood to include uteruses that contain both an egg and sperm. This is absolutely ridiculous. It is insulting to the intellectual populace of this great country to deny the simple truth that life begins at first date. Many naysayers would try to point out that only a minute few of the first dates that occur result in actual pregnancy, but I ask them this: Are you willing to risk the life of a poor unprotected baby by being wrong on this subject? It is high time that we take to the streets to let the President know that we are sick and tired of him talking about jobs (boring!) and start getting down to the REAL issues like the definition of life!

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