Thursday, November 3, 2011

Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly vol. 3

Welcome, wankers of all walks of life! Join us in celebration of self love in this month's Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly, where we discuss Masturbation Legislation and reveal a couple new techniques in our most popular serial installment, Diff'rent Strokes. So let's skip the foreplay and get right to the friction!

Masturbation Legislation
Sometimes it takes an unwilling pioneer to brave new ground on an ideological movement. In the movement that is the masturbation culture that pioneer is retired detective Joseph Tesoriere, a New York state man who was arrested in August of 2009 in the Gateway National Park for exposing himself to an undercover park ranger. He was in a remote area of the park, and it seemed unlikely that he was seeking discovery while engaged in his personal lust session. An reluctant hero he may be, but in 2010 his case reached a Brooklyn Federal court and was used to establish a precedent that masturbation is not public unless it is likely that a passerby would witness it. This means that in the state of New York they now have to prove intent when prosecuting public lewdness claims! This is another small victory for the masturbation normalization movement, and a step towards my personal dream of televised competitive masturbating.

Diff'rent Strokes

The Jack Frost Deluxe: This ancient Inuit method of self-gratification brings over 5,000 years of field testing to the table. Sometimes simplicity is all that is needed to please us, and what better source for traditional masturbation methods than the cultures of the native North American? Just apply an ice cube along the erect shaft until the ice dissipates or you reach climax, whichever "comes" first!

The Numb Dandy: We take your penis on a magical journey from ancient simplicity to modern technology with this aptly named technique that employs the use of simple anesthetics and labor tools. Just inject a liberal dose of Novocaine into the shaft of the penis and wait for the effect. Once your lunch feels like a poorly-fitted prosthetic leg you can begin with the punishment, as seen here. Once you have finished the bludgeoning wait for the Novocaine to wear off, and enjoy the flood of sexual sensations!

1 comment:

  1. Where does the average Joe get a shot of Novocaine?