Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Larry's Folly

The Lady Hamtackle
Hello, all! You may have noticed yesterday that Popular Irony featured a guest post, written by none other than The Lady Terlet! And after months of begging and pleading from Hamtackle I now have no excuse. Just call me The Lady Hamtackle! I am a very shy self-identified female, so please be kind on my first ever post. I will try not to disappoint!

I guess I'll tell you all about one of the crazy things that happen at my work. I am a caretaker at an assisted living facility for the elderly, and wacky stuff goes on all the time! Once about six months ago we got a resident I will call "Larry", on a transfer from another facility a few towns away, which is not uncommon, except this one was from another company. It is rare that a competitor would give over a resident like that, but a few weeks later we found out why.

Larry was confined to a wheelchair, but still carried a cane with him wherever he went. I'm not even sure he ever needed the chair in the first place. Soon a few of the other caretakers were shocked when he was caught multiple times lifting their skirts from behind when their backs were turned! He never really bothered me, probably because I prefer to wear a sexy pantsuit to work, and he gets a good enough look without the cane.

But his sexual aggression didn't end there. Late at night we would hear the squeaking of his wheelchair wheels and catch him sneaking into the lady resident's rooms. he had some nerve! No amount of lecturing seemed to sink in, either. Larry would act ashamed, apologize, and reassure everyone that he would control himself. if we ever seemed to doubt him he would turn on the waterworks, and there is nothing more pathetic than a weeping old man. He always got a second chance.

So a couple of weeks ago things seemed like they were back to normal at the facility, and we hadn't needed to chase Larry out of the ladies' rooms in quite a while. I was performing one of my typical duties, in the examination room treating the various complaints of constipation (pooper problems are a never ending struggle in assisted living). I had just seen my final female patient, snaking a two foot, dry branch of feces from her particularly troubled colon, when a paraplegic male resident forced his way to the front of the line. He insisted that he get immediate attention for a massive backup, which was now visibly distending his stomach. I cleared the room and prepped for an emergency colonic.

I have burrowed out hundreds of impacted colons, and I consider it my calling to some degree, but this one was a real mess. Usually scooping out a paraplegic is simple business, since the chute doesn't fight back, but I was almost elbow-deep before I fished out the source of the problem. When I pulled out my hand I was grasping an above-average sized severed human penis.

It turns out that the reason we weren't catching Larry sneaking around the women's dorm was because he found a substitute closer to home. He had been visiting his paralyzed neighbors late at night, and artfully sodomizing them without even waking them up. Well one night his evil deeds caught up with him, and while he was vigorously thrusting away his erect penis broke off like a mummy's finger! Larry somehow managed to patch himself up and avoided the staff for several days. we should have known that something was up when he began refusing sponge baths, which were always the highlight of his day.

After that episode Larry was moved to a more secure facility, even though it was impossible for him to ever commit the same offense. But after all the chaos he caused I bet that if you polled everyone in the building they would all say they wanted him back. Larry brought a lot of life to the old assisted living home.

Well, that's all I got for this post, people. Please don't leave any mean comments... I am a very fragile lady.

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