Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Boyfriend Application

Application for Employment
Position: Boyfriend

Job Description:  Seeking giving and emotionally/financially stable male to provide personal support and occasional sexual gratification. Good physical and dental health a plus, must be at least 5'10" tall. Drug addicts, smokers, and alcoholics need not apply. Please include up to date photograph and detailed references with contact information.

Name: Chad Tuddy      
Date: Oct 2 2012         
DOB: June 25 1952     


  1. That girl in the photo developing store with the neck tattoo at the nicer Walmart here in town, available on facebook/Walmart
  2. Jean Givens, available for limited phone contact with Tennessee state department of corrections, 615-741-0000 ext. 8095
  3. Ellen Warner, no available phone, can be contacted in person at the corner of 35th and Venture, Cleveland OH
Education and Certifications:  Seven years of Jr./Sr. highschool education, awarded GED on Nov 9 2010, completed 20 hrs drug and alcohol classes, formally licensed for motor vehicle operation, certified mentally fit to stand trial by the state of Tennessee

Qualifications: I am a currently single, unattached father of five and FORMER addict and alcoholic.  But do not worry about any complicated stepmother-type attachments, as I am not permitted contact with my children as a condition of my parole and am functionally estranged from them.  I am living proof that nice guys finish last unless they take things by force, in which case nice guys serve comparably stiff criminal sentences.  I like dogs, cats, fine dining, all sorts of music, long walks on the beach, and pretty much anything else that will improve my chances of getting laid.  I am easy going and am able to laugh at myself, but I don't take no shit from people who think they are better than me.                                           

Additional Skills and Considerations:  I am a technically proficient banjo player, and have ample experience as a homemade tattoo artist.  I am most comfortable when shirtless and shoeless, and can run on bare feet for miles.  If you get a chance to meet me, I will show you my "flaccid helicopter" trick.  I would prefer a mate with already arranged living accommodations, unless you are prepared to crash in the passenger seat of my pickup.  I am a romantic at heart and will frequently insist on driving drunk, because my baby ALWAYS rides shotgun.  I'm just a gentleman like that.                          


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