Dear Popular Irony,
I recently split with a long time girlfriend on somewhat amiable terms. If it were up to me we would still be together, and I miss her desperately. I think we have just been dating for so long that we stopped appreciating each other, and I want very much to show her how important she has become in my life. I even contemplated asking her to marry me, but I fear I have lost my chance. You see, she has begun dating a mutual friend of ours and has practically forced me out of our circle of friends by the power of the sheer awkwardness of the situation. How can I make her know how I feel and get back to normal with all my friends?
Regretful in Redmond
Looks like you have quite a troubling situation going in your life right now. I will do my best to give sound and helpful advice, but be prepared for some difficult choices. Love has always been fickle with those that lose appreciation for it, so we have our work cut out for us.
The first step should be to let her know you are still interested. I suggest a romantic gesture, like taking a picture of your erect penis and sending it to her email address. You might want to include a clever inside joke, like "whether you want it or not!" to brighten up her day. Or if you would rather go for the sympathy approach, manufacture a video of you sobbing uncontrollably with a gun in your hand. This will trigger her motherly instinct and draw her in.
Second, you will have to push her current beau out of your circle of friends, making room for your social re-entry. There is no other way here if we are being serious, you will have to challenge him to a claw hammer fight. Don't reject this advice without considering the following: I know it seems dramatic, but if you can sell this thing hard enough then he will leave the scene on his own. Nine times out of ten a man will turn tail rather than face someone who is willing to trade steel with them. If he does rise to the occasion you are going to have to try and kill him, however. My advice? Use the hammer side, not the claw side. A hammer fight is all about getting the blows in fast and frequently, and having to pull the claw out of a man's scalp takes precious moments that could be used making your opponent's head look like a hastily carved Jack o' Lantern.
These tactics have always worked for me in the past, and even if she doesn't come running back right away, you can be assured that she will be flattered by your advances in the years going forward, no matter how many times she moves away. Remember, no one ever forced someone to love them by giving up!