Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Midgets, Dwarfs, and Other Unfortunate Half-Humans

Whenever I venture out into society I try to avoid children.  They thrust themselves into everyone's business and are generally loud and obnoxious.  But when I see a small form coming near me in my peripheral vision I am sometimes pleasantly surprised to discover that it is a little person!  Far more tolerable than children, they help remind us all how lucky we are to have been born without a conjoined twin, or an asshole in the front or something. 
Rare feral midget photograph
There are many unfair stereotypes about them, including the leprechaun nonsense, that if you handle one your first born will be one of them, or that they steal anything kept on the bottom shelves if you let one into your home.  These are all untrue and insulting, and I intend to correct your dear reader's misconceptions on the issue.  In fact, there is one dwarf characteristic that is particularly useful, and that is their ability to calm aggressive animals.  This is some evolutionary advantage earned by their dwarf ancestors that faced many angry beasts eye to eye in the tall grass.  If you ever have occasion to witness it, the sight of a dwarf nuzzling an angry Shetland pony into a submissive state is one to remember indeed!

And did you know that all varieties of little people are impossible to defeat at arm wrestling?  They are expressively banned from competing by the United States Armwrestling Federation (USAF), due to their unfair advantage.  The leverage generated by their stubby arms gives them the mechanical advantage over all non-freaks.  Pair this with the willingness of anyone over the age of six to challenge them at the sport, and you have a combination that has made many tiny millionaires.  This is why they are so rare, because they live in gated communities fueled by arm wrestling victories.
Come at me bro!

It is also true of midgets (not dwarfs) that they all share a common religion.  The rituals of said religion are a closely guarded secret, and there is no conversion option for outsiders.  This makes it difficult to maintain a midget/human relationship due to the human exclusion within the midget community.  Traditional marriage ceremonies between midget couples take place exclusively in libraries, for cultural reasons.  The God they worship is a formless energy that promises to transform true believers into real humans through the miracle of reincarnation.  To secure their rebirth faithful followers must make a pilgrimage to their nearest local dog park (long-distance travel confuses and agitates midgets) and defeat the dog of their choosing in physical combat.  This is a rare act of aggression in an otherwise peaceful group.

So try to remember this the next time you encounter one of these delightful creatures.  They are deserving of all the respect and consideration you would give any normal person.  Plus, if you are able to make one laugh it is good luck!

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