Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Dance Music and Other Signs of Severe Retardation

Turn on the television and it will happen in no time.  You will come across an advertisement that has chosen some crappy dance music to feature it's product.  There is a very shrewd reason for this selection, and that is that the marketing team behind it knows how the music affects your brain.  The sad truth is that this music is designed to lull the brain into a malleable lump that can be molded into profits.  Now imagine that there are whole herds of morons in the world that actually enjoy this stimulus.

It certainly says something about your medium of artistic expression if it is only tolerable as background in some crappy car commercial, or if you are completely wasted.  And you do not get to call yourself a musician by taking two tracks from actual musicians, and playing them over each other.  I briefly lived with a few fake DJs and these are the kinds of conversations that can be overheard:
"So you say you are a 34 year old bald man in a kangol hat that likes to play hypnotic music to rooms full of intoxicated children?  Sounds legit, sir.  Please proceed.

Oh, and you say this is the most personal track you have ever produced?  The one you made after your child was tragically killed in a barn fire?  THUMP THUMP THUMP.....
Do you know how to get vomit out of a Hello Kitty backpack?"

And it is important to remember that many people are not able to identify themselves as a  potential chromosomal-deficient noise maker.  So here are some signs that you might be a house DJ:
  1. You have sired more than one child through date rape
  2. You become aroused by the sound of an approaching ice cream truck
  3. You stare dead in the mirror when you masturbate
  4. You watch the Disney channel for pickup line ideas

DJ Rape Whistle
But fear not dear reader, for I have a few ways to protect your underage children from the likes of these wretches.  Sprinkle some Parliament brand cigarette butts around your property.  This will be a sign to any stalking DJs that this territory is already claimed. They fear anything associated with Country music, so keep some large belt buckles and stuffed sheep around, and dress the kids in Wrangler jeans to protect their most vulnerable areas from these predators.  The DJs are funded entirely by their parents, so to eradicate them entirely is extremely difficult.  But with diligent effort and by following these tips they can be managed into a daily inconvenience rather than a true threat.

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