Friday, May 18, 2012

Fat Guy Fitness

I am fat, and trying to get smaller. I suspect many of the people reading this share my love of pastry and inactivity, but I have been working on a fitness routine that is designed for someone at my level of obscene obesity. People like me can't rely on common workouts like running, push-ups, weight training, or bicycling. The simple reason is that we are unable to participate in any kind of activity that requires rigorous moving or being upright for more than ten minutes. Here are a few exercises that I have been working on!

One of the more effective techniques I have started occurs at my job. We have such a high ratio of obese employees there that they have installed an escalator to get from the parking area to the production floor, you know, so we don't have daily visits from the ambulance for heart attacks. Well I have taken the fitness approach to this aspect of my job and I now walk up the escalator. It is pretty rough, but I am usually able to make it to my desk after a quick italian shower in the restroom sink to stop the profuse sweating.  Maybe some day I will be fit enough to take the manual stairs next to the escalator.

My Gal
Another approach in my daily wife is when lovemaking with my even more obese girlfriend. In a sense, I am very lucky to have a girl that is built like waterlogged rhinoceros because she serves a dual purpose of counterbalancing my girth, and maneuvering her around the bed is great weightlifting exercise. And recently we have given up the passionless thrusting that comes with sex while laying on our sides, and we try to actually change positions. So far we are up to three position changes in a five-minute lovemaking session, but if we get too enthusiastic my left arm goes numb, so we have to be careful.

Fatguy Karate
And finally, my favorite method of exercise is martial arts. I have long been a homemade practitioner of fatguy karate, an ancient martial art that started as a stress-relief method used by sumo wrestlers in their off time between matches. This might surprise you, but I have a really mean jump kick that has come in handy on a few occasions. Once I had a group of aggressive mexicans surround me and I leapt through the air like lightning, and while they were all on the floor laughing I snuck away like a coward.

My routine is still in development, and I am pretty sure I have been losing weight (I can't weigh myself because I am unable to afford the required agricultural-grade bovine scale), and my girlfriend said I looked thinner, but that might just have been because I recently fished a sweater's worth of bellybutton lint last week. So wish me luck. I am going to need it.


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