Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Rory Cudgel's Urban Field Guide to Carnal Delights

Rory Cudgel
Welcome erotic adventurers, welcome!  It's me, your old pal, Rory Cudgel.  Come on, you know me!  Rory!  From the alley behind the 7-11.  ..... How could you forget me!?  Remember just last week I followed you for 3 blocks until you finally gave me some spare change?  Remember how I called you Action Pants and kept offering to trade my pickle jar for a single lock of your gorgeous hair?  Of course you remember. 

I am proud to inform you that the bus stop bench on which you are patiently waiting has recently been annexed as part of the campus of my Exclusive University!  This bus bench is the classroom and that dumpster is the cafeteria.  Today they are serving Mac & Cheese!!!

Well, since you are in my classroom, I assume that you are here to learn.  So let's start the class.  Oh, don't protest now!  Everybody deserves a good education.  I present to you, your textbook.  The Urban Field Guide to Carnal Delights.  Here take the guide,.... No, Seriously, take it...  TAKE IT NOW!!  That's better.  I know you think that it just looks like a bundle of soggy napkins and newspaper scraps, but woven within those pages are secrets never before disclosed.... Sexy secrets.

Now, because this is the first day of class we don't want to start off with something too difficult.  We will get to kissing and hand holding soon enough.  Those are advanced techniques, first we will start with one of the basics of physical love.  The Prostate Massage.

I swear if you leave this bench you will fail this class and I will have to teach you a completely different type of lesson.  probably a stabby lesson.  Sit back down.  That's better.  Don't cry now.. I know school can be stressful.  First things first... The prostate is a pleasurable bundle of nerves stuffed up inside a man's asshole.  If the prostate is properly stimulated, a man can cum buckets.  Big hot buckets of cum.  Cum everywhere. 

Pop quiz!!!!  What happens when you stimulate the prostate?   Answer NOW NOW NOW!!  What happens!!??  ...... That's right!  Buckets of it!!  You get a gold star.

Now, there are many different ways to stimulate the prostate, fingers, beer bottles, wine bottles, liquor bottles.  Let me tell you from experience.  It only takes one bottle shattering inside your ass to make you swear off of bottle stimulation entirely.  My personal favorite method is what I like to call the "Joe The Plumber". 

Now you need two things to properly do the "Joe The Plumber"  A clean, smooth dumpster and a bathroom plunger capable of suction.  Most plungers you tend to find lying around in an alleys have lost their suck.  It's best to sneak into a fast food restaurant and borrow theirs.  Ronald McDonald has deep pockets, they can afford to buy a new plunger. 

Now the first thing to do is to determine the height of your pleasure stance.  Squat down enough to be able to give your hips a push backwards and forwards while still being able to yank on your nubbins.  Now guesstimate how high your asshole is above the ground while in that position.  Once you have the height, you need to find a nice, smooth surface at that height on the front of the dumpster. 

Once you find the dumpsters sweet spot, you will want to adhere the plunger to the dumpster with the power of vacuums.  Plungers stick much better if they are wet.  If no alley water is available, just give the interior of the rubber part of the plunger a good and thorough pissing.  The piss will act as a catalyst for the suction.  Next you will want to stick that pissey plunger right on the sweet spot of the dumpster.  Pretty erotic, huh?

Joe The Plumber

Once the love making device is mounted, go ahead and spit all over the wooden part of the plunger.  Soak as much of the handle as possible with saliva, it will ease the insertion.  Once lubed, drop your pants and slowly back into the apparatus.  Let the handle slowly fill you with it's poorly sanded, wooden goodness.  Now rock back and forth and don't forget to work the shaft!  If mounted correctly, the plunger handle should be shoving up right against your prostate!  Just rock back and feel the waves of pleasure flowing through you. 

Once you have cum your buckets, you are free to dismount.  Careful now, the number one cause of anal tearing is due to inefficient dismounting.  So, what did we learn today?  Hmmmmm!!??  Oh!  It looks like your bus is here.  We will pick up where we left off next time.  Be ready for another pop quiz first thing in the morning, and you better fucking get an A!! 

Wait!  You forgot your copy of The Urban Field Guide to Carnal Delights!  Oh well, I will give it back to him tomorrow.  He has no choice, he has to get on the school bus.


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