Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Disco Found Dead
One of the most successful musical traditions of the 20th century was found beaten and drowned in a shallow bathtub at a Tulsa, OK truckstop motel, sources say. This news comes after several tragic blows to the disco community in the last few weeks, culminating in the deaths of genre giants Donna Summer and Robin Gibbs, both of cancer. Many had tried to lay a death blow to the much hated cultural movement of the 1970's, but previous attempts had all been thwarted despite well-organized efforts by musical purists worldwide.
Sources close to disco say that it enjoyed life, even though it had long ago faded to obscurity and ridicule due to an orchestrated campaign of slander following the outing of now obviously homosexual pop powerhouses The Village People. Homophobia and racism were primary motivators to the anti-disco rhetoric that began in the 1980's, and distasteful sentiment was likely reignited by the recent accusations of gay solicitation by former disco icon John Travolta, who is currently being sued for attempting to persuade male masseurs to perform aggressive handjobs in various hotel rooms nationwide.
Conspiracy theorists have wasted no time in theorizing dubious links between the cancer deaths of two of the genre's most notable performance icons last week, citing reports of hasty government intervention in media coverage of the deaths and federal foreclosures of the estates of both Gloria Gaynor and Herbie Mann, believed to be linked to the recent drowning death of disco in Tulsa.
Authorities point to the discovery of cocaine and alcohol at the scene of the death of disco as possible clues to the motivations for this brutal crime, possibly eluding to a crime of passion gone wrong after partying to excess over the weekend. But this theory has been met with skepticism by the musical community, who say in a recently released statement that disco "had been successful in fighting addiction to drugs and alcohol through participation and completion of several rehabilitation programs".
Disco is survived by equally-distasteful dance music genres dubstep and house, who could not be reached for comment.