Congressional Drinking Game

Drink Responsibly, Vomit Discreetly

Getting Started: 

Three or more participants, or one raging alcoholic with no friends.  Must play with beer, as anything with a higher alcohol content would kill a horse in twenty minutes.  Turn on C-SPAN and obey all drinking rules (listed below).  You will need regular and shot glasses.

Rules:

1. You must drink 1 shot of beer whenever someone says any of the following:

• "Mandate"
• "Reach across the aisle"
• "Partisan"
• "Founding fathers"
• "Job creator"
• "Gamesmanship"
• "Family values"

2. You must drink 1 full beer whenever someone says any of the following:

• "Obamacare"
• "Ronald Reagan"
• "911"
• "American exceptionalism"
• "Traditional marriage"

3. Any participant can force another player to drink a full beer if they are the first to shout "Fucksticks!" when any of the following occurs:

• When any politician who has been involved in a sex scandal appears.
• A speaker utters an applause line or joke that falls flat.
• Michele Bachmann displays a chart or graph.
• Someone makes a religious comment.
• Any politician who has participated in a failed Presidential or Vice Presidential election appears.
• There is a person speaking at a podium and they are not a white male.

4. Any on air awkward silence of more than 10 seconds initiates a 1 beer speed round.  Winner gets temporary ownership of the restroom.  Anyone wishing to use it has to pay the owner $1 until the owner uses the restroom personally, which relinquishes ownership.  The speed round cannot be re-initiated while there is an active owner.

5. At any time a participant can scream "Bullshit!" in response to a claim made by a politician.  That person has 3 minutes to prove the claim false in an online search.  If they succeed all other participants must drink 1 beer.  If they fail they must drink 2 glasses of beer.


Every player wins, as long as they don't end up like this guy.
Happy Drinking!

I bet he is dreaming about childbirth

The Time Dean Martin Choke-Raped a Valet

Hey Cats and Crooners,

I'm here to take you on a trip, baby. To a time long ago in the magical kingdom of Las Vegas. There was this Gasser, a real Big-Leaguer, you might of heard of him, goes by the name of Dean, that's right baby, Dean Martin.

Dean, Frankie, Sammy and me decided to swing at the Sahara. Ceasar's was full of Harveys and Squares. We were pulling out of Ceasar's in Sammy's custom golden town car when this Original Loser steps out in front of us waving his arms like some kind of Fink. It was the Ceasar's Valet. It seems that this Punk thinks we just ran over some Broad with Sammy's golden ride.

Sammy says "That Quin was there already. I think you'll find I didn't run over nobody. Now I recommend you scramsville before this platinum player Deano rips out your fucking throat". Frank starts laughing hysterically and Dean stares unblinking at the Valet.

The Valet says "But I just saw you run her over! She might be dead! You need to wait for the cops!"

Sammy looks at the Valet long and hard and Finally says "Deano, let's lose Charley"

Dean leaps from the passenger seat like a drunken tiger. The Square tumbles back and hits the ground hard. Deano starts squeezing the little Punk's throat and starts grinding his bird on the Punk. You always knew when Dean was this gassed that we were in for a 18 karat time!

Dean throttled the Punk into submission and started to undo his belt. Dean slurred "If you bite it, I am plucking out your damn eyes, capiche? The Valet blinked his acquiescence.

The next two minutes were the funniest two minutes of my life. Dean throat fucking this Valet, Sammy jumping around the two of em like some crazed hyena shouting "WOW-EE WOW WOW!", and Frank sitting in the back of the car laughing. Frank wasn't even watching, he'd seen it a hundred times before. The Fuzz arrived but they knew better than to interrupt Dean before he "Cashes Out". Quite a crowd had gathered to watch the show.

Dean sped up his thrusting and suddenly stopped. He looked straight into the punks tear filled eyes and said "You keep that, that's for you". Dean zipped up, turned toward the crowd and said "Somebody get this guy a Croaker, he's gonna need a lozenge, baby". The crowd erupted with applause.

We climbed back into Sammy's "Packmobile" and with the Fuzz clearing the Squares and Losers out of the road, we continued on to the Sahara for a night of cold cocktails and hot Tomatoes. Frank laughed the entire evening.


Until next time Cats and Crooners........

EGGS! DELICIOUS EGGS!

Hey everybody! It's your old pal OOPHAGOUS ED!

EGGS! Delicious EGGS! God Damn how I love me some EGGS! I roll out of bed in the morning with a skip in my step and I go down to the kitchen for a breakfast of EGGS! FUCK I LOVE EGGS!!


You can poach them! Fuck how I love to eat POACHED EGGS! They are all runny and that golden gooey yolk slowly spreads over the plate. FUCK I LOVE EGGS!


Aw man, have you ever had SHIRRED EGGS!!?? The EGGS are placed in little dishes and you slop a dollup of butter on top. You bake those tasty little fuckers until the white is set, but the yolk is still soft and runny. I know right? Butter on EGGS!!?? FUCK YES!! The French know how to make some MOTHER FUCKING EGGS!!


Fuck me! I just remembered! It is so simple and yet so good. SCRAMBLED EGGS! Sweet tasty Jesus I know you have had SCRAMBLED EGGS! You whip those little fuckers into a frenzy, maybe throw in some half and half or a pinch of cream of tartar. Cream of tartar will put a meaty fucking head on those EGGS!! Stir them up in the pan and SLAM BAM MOTHERFUCKING SCRAMbled EGGS!!


You do know that instead of scrambling those EGGS you could make an OMELETTE instead? Did you know that shit? Because you fucking can. You can fold any fucking thing you want into that velvety blanket of warm, all encompassing EGGS!! ONIONS, PEPPERS, HAM, CHEESE, DOG SHIT it doesn't matter when its gang fucked by EGGS!!


sometimes when i am alone late at night. i will sneak downstairs, pull out a frying pan, pull down my underwear and FRY ME SOME EGGS!! OH FUCKING FRIED EGGS!! They are so goo oo oo oo oo oo oo ood! Sunny side up? Over easy? I don't fucking care!! EGGS!!


Don't even get me started on HARD BOILED EGGS!! I can't.... CAN'T TALK ABOUT THEM.... AAAAAHHH FUCK!!! NOO!! SHUTUP!!! I CAN'T TALK ABOUT THOSE STEAMY BOILED IN THE SHELL POCKETS OF PLEASURE NOOOOO!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! FUUUUCK!!!


MMMMMMM AAAAAAHHH!!!!! THAT IS ALL THE EGG TALK I CAN TAKE!!! I.... I ....... Need to take a shower.....

-Oophagus Ed

The Salacious Life of Detective Vic Musket

A cloud of smoke pours into the light from around a deserted street corner.  The source could be one of three things: Detective Vic Musket, a weary toothless prostitute, or both.  This is Vic's territory.  A place where bad people go to get even with bad people.  His services are as surefire as they are cheap, if you have the kind of back alley connections to find him.  He is not listed in any kind of civilian directory.

"I don't care about the money, I care about the whiskey.  You can't promise me a tongue in the ass and deliver a thumb instead."  Vic was angrily dressing down the much larger man.

"I am not goin all the fuck way down to the liquor store to get you whiskey when all you did was find out who took a shit on my porch.  I didn't even ask you to look into it... Come to think of it, it was probably you that did the shitting.  And Father O'Malley had a pretty good alibi..."

"Just give me the ten dollars, asshole.  This is the last time I do you any favors."  Vic snatched the loose bills out of  the man's clenched fist, swiftly making his way toward the liquor store.  "Works every time..." he muttered.  Father O'Malley would forgive him, he always does.  He just needed to gather a good explanation for his Sunday visit to the father's confession booth.  I mean, he practically has to forgive you in there.

God's Convenient Loophole

Eight minutes later, the whiskey procured and nearly consumed, Vic sits at his regular perch on a bus bench.  Even the bus drivers know not to stop for him.  He never goes anywhere.  Oh the life of an unlicensed investigator, great periods of boredom punctuated by routine arrests for indecent exposure.

RING! RING!

But every once in a while things get interesting.  All it takes is one unexpected call to a seemingly out of order pay phone to prompt this turd to show off his polish.  He answers.  "Vic Musket.  What's the job?"

"Mr Musket I have a request that needs the utmost discretion.  I am a very rich man, and I need a punishment to be carried out.  Find the man who raped my daughter and make him pay.  I understand you passion is drink.  I can make you a very drunk man, Mr Musket."

"You have my attention stranger."  Vic replied.  "I will find your man.  And after I slam his dick in a desk drawer I will deliver it to you to be used as a bookmark.  Just leave the details in a portfolio on the top of this payphone."  Click.  He grinned and pulled deeply from the last of his bottle.  No more investigating Johns to find out who is spreading the cock cheese to the local working gals...

To be continued...

IT'S YOUR BEST FRIEND JEN!!!!

Hi its Your Best Friend JEN!! I am so glad we are Best Friends!!

I had the mostest best day ever!! Uncle Rudy and I went to the Golden Bucket Land of Buffets Casino and Gentleman's Warehouse. Aunt Tina did not want to go because she says that's how you get pink-eye and the Chinese need our kidneys for Chinese demon magic. Oh Aunt Tina you are a hoot!

Uncle Rudy went off to gamble while I tried every single Buffet in the Land of Buffets..... There were so many varieties of delicious. I had meaty pies, gooey centers, tasty morsels, tender vittles, fishy nibblins, crunchy chunklets, steamy piles, spicy pinches, stinky crumbles, chilly gobs, eggy lumps, crispy tidbits, moist mouthfuls, ranchy trickles, scraped inches, soupy limps, powdered cracklins, stringy drizzles, stacked plumplins, fisted mash, strained driplins, sandy pouches, floating ploppleys, iced brown, runny smidgens and just a soupçon of stirred mushlings. Every row of buffet had a new hidden treasure!! It also had a taco bar right next to a soft server machine!! I made my own Vanilla bean and beef tacos!

Uncle Rudy brought his whole paycheck. By the time we left he said he had made enough money gambling and panhandling to get us bus fair home!! YAY UNCLE RUDY!!! My Uncle Rudy is the best gamblingerer in the whooole county!!

Well every dream day must end. Uncle Rudy and I had to finally go home. Aunt Tina was very happy to see us when we got home. I guess she had been stuck up the tree in our front yard all day. Oh Aunt Tina!!

Hugs and kisses and fairy wishes -Your Best Friend JEN!!

Dear Popular Irony...

Dear Popular Irony,

I recently split with a long time girlfriend on somewhat amiable terms.  If it were up to me we would still be together, and I miss her desperately.  I think we have just been dating for so long that we stopped appreciating each other, and I want very much to show her how important she has become in my life.  I even contemplated asking her to marry me, but I fear I have lost my chance.  You see, she has begun dating a mutual friend of ours and has practically forced me out of our circle of friends by the power of the sheer awkwardness of the situation.  How can I make her know how I feel and get back to normal with all my friends?

Regretful in Redmond

Looks like you have quite a troubling situation going in your life right now.  I will do my best to give sound and helpful advice, but be prepared for some difficult choices.  Love has always been fickle with those that lose appreciation for it, so we have our work cut out for us.

The first step should be to let her know you are still interested.  I suggest a romantic gesture, like taking a picture of your erect penis and sending it to her email address.  You might want to include a clever inside joke, like "whether you want it or not!" to brighten up her day.  Or if you would rather go for the sympathy approach, manufacture a video of you sobbing uncontrollably with a gun in your hand.  This will trigger her motherly instinct and draw her in.

Second, you will have to push her current beau out of your circle of friends, making room for your social re-entry.  There is no other way here if we are being serious, you will have to challenge him to a claw hammer fight.  Don't reject this advice without considering the following:  I know it seems dramatic, but if you can sell this thing hard enough then he will leave the scene on his own.  Nine times out of ten a man will turn tail rather than face someone who is willing to trade steel with them.  If  he does rise to the occasion you are going to have to try and kill him, however.  My advice?  Use the hammer side, not the claw side.  A hammer fight is all about getting the blows in fast and frequently, and having to pull the claw out of a man's scalp takes precious moments that could be used making your opponent's head look like a hastily carved Jack o' Lantern.

These tactics have always worked for me in the past, and even if she doesn't come running back right away, you can be assured that she will be flattered by your advances in the years going forward, no matter how many times she moves away.  Remember, no one ever forced someone to love them by giving up!

Popular Irony

In the Land of Morons the Man with Internet Access is King

Advances in the accessibility of  information have divided our society.  It is so simple to get onto the Internet to gain answers to questions that would have plagued you for months twenty years ago.  Some people absorb this information, making themselves more individually knowledgeable, and some rely on it's availability (if you need it you will be able to find it).  The tendency is for people to operate like a cloud platform device (connect to stored information remotely) and only a few remain like ipods (everything on on board storage).  If you can't connect, the cloud device is a paperweight.

This leads us to an uneducated populace, able to force society into a corner with sheer numbers and prevent any ideas that cannot be reduced to a monosyllabic description so they can understand.  If they can't see the benefit at a glance, they don't believe in it's value.  And anyone who shuns the opportunity to gain better understanding is a truly worthless person, a willfully ignorant mouth breather.  We can see the examples everywhere- look at the retail industry.  Now all cash registers make change for you, leaving the cashier tasked only with counting paper money.  I had one such interaction recently, where the register ran out of receipt paper and would not make automatic change.  After 20 seconds of silence the cashier sheepishly asked me how much change I was owed.  After making change she awkwardly laughed and said "I didn't know you needed a college degree to work here!".  I smiled and left, but secretly thought to say "Actually, you need a college degree to NOT work here!".  I find it is best not to kick someone when they are down.  That is when they fight the hardest, like rabid badgers.  


Adding insult to injury

 And even in my own workplace... I had one employee that was notoriously retarded.  I spent a great deal of time trying to get her fired, but that is beside the point.  Aside from frequent complaints of racist comments while she was cruising around the property talking to her husband (who exhibits the signs of 5th generation fetal alcohol syndrome), she also makes a great effort to display her uselessness publicly.  When I once asked for my team to turn in written topic suggestions for a team meeting I had to take pause when reviewing her submission.  She was requesting me to clarify the "tendons policy".  After much review and private ridicule shared with my peers we discovered what she meant.  She wanted to review the "attendance policy".  This kind of error exposes her as someone who does not read.  I know she can read, since the job requires the ability, but being that unfamiliar with your own language means you do not have much experience digesting the printed word.  I sure hope nothing bad ever happens to those people.

Mommy likes beer more than babies!

At my job I find myself often surrounded by morons, and the evidence of it has built up over the years.  Just last week I spoke with an employee that was lingering after hours, something very few people do.  She explained that she couldn't find her car keys, and she was worried that when she went home for lunch she might have left them there.  Let's think about that for a moment...Now some people can have a momentary lapse of reason, and eventually notice their error and have a self deprecating laugh about the mistake.  But some go on oblivious, like the punchline of an untold joke.  The sad thing is this:  Only the ignorant are truly capable of happiness.  The rest of us are too busy noticing that the world pretty much sucks.

Dear Deborah,

Dear Deborah,

Seeing you at the mall the other day was great. Congratulations on your wedding! Dieudonne seems like a great guy. he is very lucky. I am so happy for you. You look really good. It looks like you've been keeping in shape, can't say the same about me (lots of hamburgers) :-) I was happy to hear that your mom is doing well. She was always such a sweetheart. I just wanted to send you a nice letter and wish you well.

Take care,

Your friend -Tony






P.S.
I just remembered that you still owe me for that last month of rent before you moved out. That is $700 Deborah! What the fuck?! You leave me for that fucking hockey player with the fucked up teeth and you take the cat and MY FUCKING TV! That was my TV Deborah! I fucking bought it with my money before I met your cheating ass! AAAAHH Fucking Bitch! How did I forget this shit! If I would have remembered in the mall you would be wearing a neck brace dragging a colostomy bag right now! You are the only woman I would ever hit, Deborah. Well you and your stinking whore of a mom. Please tell her that her cooking sucks and she raised a wonderful skank of a daughter. I hope your new husband enjoys the herpes as much as I did. Even the French think Dieudonne is a fucking stupid name. Tell him "die" for me.

Your pussy stinks -Tony








P.P.S Included is a picture of your mom.




You have your mother's looks.

Fuck you -Tony

YOU HAVE ENTERED A PRIVATE CHAT

********YOU HAVE ENTERED A PRIVATE CHAT********

Mandy

That's better, a little bit of privacy, there is nobody else to bother us ;)


DOUGELOVE

Aw yeah grrl I betchu 1fyneazzbitch!




Mandy

Ooooh yeah..... I love the dirty urban talk :0 It makes my pussy puuuuurrrrr.


DOUGELOVE

Shi-Damngirl! Ibust tha shit! I be all like UH UH UH up yo dumpa!!




Mandy

Oh my, You would be welcome in the depths of my vagina and anus anytime weary traveler :-9


DOUGELOVE

Aww shi girl whachu look like?



Mandy

My mouth is warm, moist, open and waiting for you. ┐('～`；)┌



DOUGELOVE

Damn! You loookin fyne grrl!! Aaaah shi you gotz to show medem tittteeees!!! Pleez babey!!


Mandy
I normally don't do this but.... OK. Here are the twins!! （´∀｀）




DOUGELOVE

I WANTSEM N MY MOUT!!!!! Suckon dem titeeees. THE POON BABEEE THE POON!!!!! PLEEEEEEZZZZ GRRRRLLLLLL


Mandy

You better be careful ( ﾟヮﾟ) My Poon is extremely wet ヽ(´ー`)人(´∇｀)人(`Д´)ノ You might slip and hurt yourself. ♪┏(・o･)┛♪┗ ( ･o･) ┓♪┏ ( ) ┛♪┗ (･o･ ) ┓♪┏(･o･)┛♪




DOUGELOVE

O shi grrll u wax dat shi? Smooooooooothh Grrl you is FIT!!



Mandy

Thank you! I do work out quite often. The best part is that my poon is removable so you can hose it out.

_γ⌒ヽ_
lXXXXXXXXl
　（　´ｍ｀）




DOUGELOVE

U gonna need to wash dat poon off in the yard cuz ima bust dat poon N 1/2!!



Mandy

I can't believe I actually found love on the internet.
☜(⌒▽⌒)☞ ε=ε=ε=┌(;*´Д`)ﾉ (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ or ☜(ﾟヮﾟ☜) ⊂（ﾟДﾟ⊂⌒｀つ≡≡≡(´⌒;;;≡≡≡ ヽ(´ー`)人(´∇｀)人(`Д´)ノ （ ^_^）o自自o（^_^ ）

Unsuccessfully Defending My Masculinity

Wait just a minute there, tough guy.  Are you calling me a sissy?  I take offense when you implied that I can't pee with the lights on because my wiener is afraid of being seen.  In fact, stand up.  Stand up right now!...

Calm down, guy... Don't get excited, I was just wondering if you were taller than me, and clearly you are...  Ooh... Good one... Made me flinch (awkward laughter).  Go ahead, sit back down.  No?  OK, I guess I will sit down then.  And let me be the first to say, I am downright embarrassed about my behavior here.  I mean, what would my girlfriend think if she saw me now?  Ha Ha!

I do too have a girlfriend.  No, I don't keep any pictures of her in my wallet, and I don't have a cellphone.  Oh, this?  That is my buddy's cellphone.  I am just holding on to it.  He let me borrow it because mine was burned up in a house fire.  Yes, Sir you can see it.  You have to push the green button twice to...

That was completely uncalled for.  You owe me $100 dollars, buddy.  And you had better hope the memory chip isn't broken!  All right, let me see your ID.  I am going to write down your address and you are going to hear from...

You are right, Sir.  I don't know what came over me.  I am just going to keep looking at my shoes... here's my wallet.  Could you please walk away?  I am in a terrible hurry...





FUCK YOU!  (running)

Ssome newss!! With Glenda Bekk!!!!

- Glenda Bekk -

Licensed Opinionomotrist

Hey Y'all Glenda Bekk here!! Juss poppin in to give you the ssweet newss sscoop! Y'all know how I love me ssome newss!

Sso Rita from the Conoco told me, that down in like, Norwegia there iss thiss camp of Naziss that ssome guy went and fought them and junk. Sshe ssaid they were like Hitler'ss Youthss or whatever. I mean like who doess a camp for kidss that'ss all about politicss? Dissturbing iss like what that iss.

Sso like, the hero gun guy found out about ssome like, ssecret plan to take over urope and sstuff. He liked sstopped the Nazsi, Musslim armiess or whatever. but after all that he like, he wass like, sstill not invited to Labor'ss Party becauss they like, have a bunch of like, ethnic toleranssess. Sso he was all like, Fuck Thiss and took care of ssome buissiness and junk.

I guesss he like, killed lotss of people or whatever. You sshould never kill people like, no matter how much you don't like them. Killin people iss not right and Jesssuss criess baby koala bear tearss whenever you kill ssomebody. If you like, kill a dog he like, criess normal people tears or whatever. He like, ssavess hiss sspecial tearss for people.

I guess if you do like. have to kill somebody you should like, kill Musslim Nazsiss or whatever. I mean if you HAVE TO. Like if somebody iss gonna sshoot your Grandmammy or puppiess or whatever. But not like, just for fun and junk.

Sso I'll be talkin to y'all later, don't be goin and makin Jessuss cry none!

Ssmoochess -Glenda Bekk

Philosophy: Higher Education's Ten Dollar Whore

Once there was a time when people were either stupid or smart.  A time when a man was measured by his achievements, and the way he spoke and carried himself indicated to others his position on the intellectual scale.  Enter the philosophy major.  I am convinced that philosophy was created by the intellectual elite to allow the short bus kids into the Universities.

First we must all admit that a degree in philosophy is as valuable as a "greatest dad" coffee mug.  If every staggering drunk in every bar I have ever been to is an expert in the field, then I understand why there hasn't been a breakthrough in the field since armies fit neatly inside wooden horses.  Such an accessible school of intellectual pursuit cheapens the value of real knowledge.  Philosophy is all opinion, and no one is ever proven wrong.  Even in the most creative of the physical sciences, theoretical physics, people are proven wrong every now and again.  Despite their fanciful speculation about the inner workings of the universe they still have mathematics as the great equalizer.  There is no such analog in the world of philosophy.

Claims made by mug not independently substantiated

Don't get me wrong.  I like to be able to sound smart in a social setting without ever actually having to learn anything, and discussion of metaphysics, ethics, and logic can be quite stimulating.  I just avoid these conversations because they are usually started intentionally.  Once you hear some asshole mention Nietzsche (most likely pronounced "NeeChee") it is time to sign off.  I can't stand to watch someone make an ass out of themselves.

Moustache rides: 5 Pfennig

I am certainly not a man of any faith, but I do believe that we will never know the answers to all the questions posed by philosophy, and it is a fools errand to speculate without any way to gather experimental evidence.  And since all the philosophers are still trying to prove that they exist (to what end?) I will continue drinking all the whiskey and making sarcastic comments from the sidelines.

Political Lessons in Compromise and Shared Sacrifice

In the last few weeks we have had the great fortune to bear witness to one of the founding principles in our fine nation's government, that of a two party system of ideals coming together to solve our mutual problems.  The two sides are beautifully represented by the President, who asks for little but will settle for less, and the Speaker of the House John Boehner, who represents the most vulnerable minority in the country: the filthy rich.

I personally find it refreshing to see these two leaders in spirited debate display their graceful back and forth dance of ideas, each rationally considering the other's suggestions before making concessions and finally agreeing.

Holy fuck, I did not intend for the sarcasm to get so thick so fast.  Apologies.

While the whole country sits at the edge of uncertain economic disaster, consider how these tactics could be used in your personal life.  For instance, you could call your credit card company and tell them that you have decided you cannot continue to pay them until you can figure out how to lower your net monthly bills, and get a raise at your job.  That should go over well.

The basic principles are very simple here.  You just take something that you have a shared interest in preserving (the US AAA credit rating) and use whatever available leverage (a house seat majority in the debt ceiling vote) to play a game of "chicken" until one side gives up everything.  No compromise.  No negotiation.  The man with the biggest balls wins.  But sometimes it is hard to distinguish "balls" from a genuine disregard for the future of the country.

For either side's ideal leadership, I think you have to toss out both Obama and Boehner.  Obama is not nearly stubborn enough, and his practical mind accepts when ground is lost too quickly, and Boehner couldn't sell a glass of water to a woman that just finished a bukkake gargle-fest.  I would be surprised if Boehner could get the House Republicans to agree to a lunch order.  On the Republican side, most people are looking at Governor Christie of NJ.  I agree that it has been too long since we have had a white fatass bully in political prominence, and Huckabee isn't pulling any crowds anymore.  But on the Democrat's side I think the option is obvious.  Anthony Weiner for President!!  The stuff he is accused of couldn't even make Bill Clinton stop scrolling on a porno image search.  The only reason he has been made such a joke is because we got to see the pictures.  If we had pictures of that time when John Boehner stomped that homeless child to death he wouldn't still be in Congress, either (that happened, right?).  But no matter what side you fall on, you must admit:  A Chris Christie v Anthony Weiner presidential debate would be epic.

Good thing it isn't a ham eating contest.  For two reasons.

A public service announcement......

TACO TACO TACO TACO TACO TACO
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BREAKING NEWS! AMY WINEHORSE ALIVE!

Editor's note: Prof. Ted Gunderson is a world renowned Cryptozoologist, cuisinier, huntsman, fundamentalist christian and vitriolic Republican. His journal of political thought and mythical cuisine is published out of his garage.

Santa Fe, NM - When I heard the news I knew it to be false. The Amy Winehorse (Equus crapula eructo) dead? HA! What a steaming crock of splatter shits! You can't kill the Winehorse with mere piles of cocaine and buckets of booze. Everyone knows the only way to kill a Winehorse is with a diamond axe anointed with dragon venom. I, of course, have the axe but I am fresh out of dragon bladder from whence to squeeze the venom. Believe you me, dragon meats and bi-products have been harder and harder to find since people started investing in dragon gold. Killing dragons can destabilize the Hoarded Gold market. It is a sound investment though. I can proudly say that I have made quite a profit with my stock market shenanigans. Thanks Glenn Beck.

I am in Santa Fe on business and did not expect to encounter the Winehorse so far from it's natural environment. I was taking a leak in an alley when I saw her. She was towards the end of the alley pawing at the ground in front of a small, surly hobo (Homo vulgivagus). The Hobo dipped a paper bag in kerosine and placed it over the Winehorse's muzzle. The Winehorse then threw back its head and began to breath deeply, whinnying madly. The hobo began to slowly stroke the Winehorses bouffant. The courtship ritual complete, the pair began their awkward coupling. The hobo positioned a plastic milk crate behind the Winehorse's rear quarters. The hobo stood atop the crate and began to hock and spit on the Winehorse's aroused and reeking rear end. Then, roughly gripping the Winehorse's slack thigh skin, the squat, smelly man thrusted and began the forcible ingress.

Amy Winehorse (Equus crapula eructo) spotted alive

Minutes later, his package delivered, the hobo withdrew and wandered downtown away from his momentary lover. The Winehorse, famished from her rutting, left the alley in search of sustenance. She trailed an almost audible stench back to it's source, "Juan's Beefy Fistfull Burrito Hole". I watched the beast feed on an "El Carne Grande Exsplosivo Burrito" and snapped this picture. The flash spooked her and she quickly galloped away. It was a one in a million encounter and an almost religious experience. I know God is most proud of this wondrous creation. I only hope next time I encounter the Winehorse, I have a bit of dragon venom within reach. I have a recipe for broasted Winehorse that I have been dying to try.

Ciao and Godspeed -Prof. T. Gunderson

Five Reasons to be Happy Today

I have come to the conclusion that the majority of my posts are decidedly negative.  I wanted to offer up some pleasantness today, in honor of the holy day of rest.  Enjoy this short list to spread a little cheer.

1.  You were not born with Harlequin-type ichthyosis.  If this picture does not satisfy your curiosity then look it up.  Basically it makes babies look like a prop piece from a Hellraiser film.

Do not want.



2.  There are approximately 925 million starving people in the world.  I know this may not sound like a good thing, but imagine how much food and other resources it is freeing up for the rest of us.  And most likely you live in what they call the "developed countries" category, and there are only 19 million there.   

Why you don't give a shit about world hunger.

3.  An estimated 5 million cats and dogs are killed in shelters each year. That's one about every six and one half seconds.  Imagine how horrible it would be if all these cats and dogs were still on the streets, left to be hit by cars, contract disease, and contribute to overpopulation.  At least they die by euthanasia in as comfortable a  setting as can be expected.

4.  One day you and everyone you love will be dead, and there is no God to let you live on eternally.  This is life's one big guarantee.  But think of how relaxing non-existence is going to be.  I think the perfect description of hell is eternal life.  Every problem, disappointment, or frustration is directly attributable to existence.

Mob grinder aftermath





5.  Experts estimates that we are losing 137 plant, animal and insect species every single day due to rainforest deforestation. That equates to 50,000 species a year.  Call me an optimist, but what I am seeing here is natural selection!  Think of how great it must be in South America to have a front row seat to the evolutionary process.  I wonder what kind of new super-animals will emerge from the ashes... Anacondas with wings, horses that run on two feet, the possibilities are endless.

They have their father's eyes