Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Bible Belt Babble with Willard "Teabag" Chinsley: Volume 2

I feel nude without this hat
Howdy, Y’all!  Willard “Teabag” Chinsley here, bringing you the best babblings from the Bible belt!  On the agenda today, tearing down myths about Teabaggers and homosexuals, who is sexier: Sara Palin or Michelle Bachmann?, and a Teabagger Tip for Congress on job creation!
But before we start the conservative chatter machine, I wanted to request a humble prayer from the audience for my dear brother, Enoch.  After being locked out of his home he got stuck in the doggie door for two days until the mailman found him.  Sadly, a raccoon had eaten off all of the toes on his left foot.  He is at the hospital being treated for dehydration and rabies, and any prayers for his speedy recovery would be appreciated. 
This is a hate crime
We don’t hate queers:  I did a Google search on my Internet for “gay+teabag” and got thousands of hits.  Unfortunately none of them were right for this topic, so let me give my humble take on homos.  What many critics of the Tea Party take as “hate” is actually a deeply ingrained disgust for their lifestyle.  For instance I don’t hate Elton John, I am just disgusted that he puts his fanny in the air for wieners like a lady does.  I have spoken to many other Teabaggers about this, and they pretty much all agree… we think about gay sex almost constantly, and every moment of it makes more disgusted.
Babe-o-meter! Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann?  Wow, where do you start?  This is the most divisive issue currently within the Tea Party.  Do you go with the no-nonsense , unifying and worldly presence of Sarah Palin?  Or do you go for the gorgeous conservative genius with the eyes and teeth that never quit?  Let’s break down this matchup!

Most religious

Most educated
Most experienced

Most promiscuous

Well, well.  Palin nudges out Bachmann as the most desirable conservative woman in a close one!  We see that Bachmann is the most religious, as evidenced by her willingness to marry a gay man to keep him on the holy path.  In the most educated category, while Michelle Bachmann was once a tax lawyer, Sarah Palin has a degree from the school of hard knocks that is signed by Joe Sixpack!  That one is a tie.  For most experienced, Palin is a shoe in for her one-two combo of a failed VP bid and a failed Governorship.  And to take the win home is Sarah Palin in the most promiscuous category for her infamous connection to the Wasilla glory hole known as “the black eye”.  The queen reigns supreme!
Fucking freeloader
Teabagger congressional job-creation tip:  With the wild success of the Teabagger movement in America, it is understandable and appropriate that members of Congress approach the Tea Party on matters of job creation.  And I am here to tell the difficult truth:  The stairs to prosperity are built out of the corpses of the socially-dependant elderly.  The first step to creating thousands of jobs is to shut down social programs all the way to the bottom, starting with Medicare and Social Security.  Once these foolish programs are abolished all the elderly that cannot remain productive, and were not productive enough in youth to become wealthy, will wither and die.  And we all know what that means… JOBS!!!
Join me next time and keep on Teabaggin’, Teabaggers!

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