Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dick Scustin and the Five Princesses

Richard Theobald Scustin
 Long ago, nestled amongst rolling hills and green valleys, just beyond a babbling brook, there was a beautiful kingdom.  It was a kingdom ruled by kindness.  The royal couple, King and Queen Billoms were beloved by their subjects.  The fields were fertile and lush, the animals fat and plentiful.    The kingdom was truly an idyllic place.  It was so idyllic and everyone was so happy, that there were no single men of marrying age left in the kingdom. They were all happily married.

The royal couple had five daughters all of extravagant beauty. The oldest was the wisest of the daughters, the 4th was the most passionate, the 3rd was the funniest, the 2nd was a friend to all animals and the 1st was the most beautiful of the five gorgeous woman. 

"Oh what shall we do?"  asked the Queen. "I have always dreamed of grand-babies.  Oh where can we find a men for our daughters?"

The King responded "Well, we won't be able to be choosy my dear.  We are a small, distant kingdom and we do not receive many visitors.  If only one of those lovely Henderson boys were to be widowed..."

"Oh but surely you jest my love,  we could never wish such bad tidings upon our loyal subjects." said the Queen.

"Perish the thought my cupcake." cooed the King.

Little did the royal family know, but approaching the kingdom was the answer to their dreams.  A magical man by the name of Dick Scustin.  With his camel hair sport coat and suitcase full of carpet samples he wandered the world spreading the legend of the superiority of "Shamford's Quality Carpets".

He approached the gate.  The guards yelled down "Good day sir! What brings you to our fair town?"

Dick responded "You wants some carpets or what!?"

"Nay, good sir.  But our king may require you for a more noble quest.  Tell me sir, are you married?"

Dick took a long hard stare at the guard.  "How is that any of yer fucking business tin-tits!?"

The guard, raised in generations of kindness and politeness was taken aback by the visitor's comments.  "Sir, I say!"

"You gonna lemme in or what!?" hollered Dick.

With a quivering bottom lip and tears in his eyes, the guard opened the gates.  Dick sauntered into the town slurring loudly at the passing friendly townsfolk.  "Shamford's Quality Carpets, you want some?  You fucking peasants wouldn't know quality carpet if it tore a chunk out of yer ass-meats."  The townsfolk intimidated by Dick's saucy talk, kept their distance.

Word spread fast and the King was soon alerted to the presence of the visitor, the visitor who could possibly bring about the much dreamt of grandson.  "Guard?  Please send a royal invitation to our esteemed guest.".  When the daughters learned of the traveler they fluttered around each other giggling and helping each other look presentable.  The Princesses all loved each other very much and all sincerely wished the others good luck.

 The King, Queen and Princesses all gathered in the ornate courtroom.  The Lord Chamberlain entered the room tapped his staff on the marble floor three times and said "Presenting Lord Richard Theobald Scustin of Cincinnati".

"Get yer fuckin mits offa me ya fruits!"  bellowed Dick.  He looked up at the King and said "What are ya lookin at Dick Nose!?"

The King almost toppled over backwards. "Wha wha wha  welcome to our kingdom sir.  I am King Billoms and this is Queen Billoms and these are our daughters, Jennifer, Jessica, Julia, Janis and Janie.  Our daughters are young, healthy, beautiful and all seeking a husband."

"Yeah?" Said Dick with a dumbfounded look on his face.

"Um well yes, um, seeking a husband."  mumbled the King.

 "I don't need no damaged goods makin fun of my Goddamn face-skin grafts!"  Shouted Dick.

"Our people know to look beyond physical beauty and trust in the natural beauty of the human soul."  Happily said the queen.

"I know I'm fuckin ugly but ya don't need to be a bitch about it!  Did ya just invite me up hear to insult me?  Or are ya gonna buy some fuckin carpets?"  Shouted Dick.

"We only seek a fine husband for one of our daughters.  I'm sure your rough edges can be sanded to reveal the Prince inside.  Line up girls! You can have your pick, good sir."  Trilled the Queen. The Princesses all smiling brightly obediently lined up for inspection.

Dick scrutinized the girls with distaste.  "So whats wrong with em?  This one looks a bit gamey."  Janie blushed deeply.

"I assure you sir,  my daughters are healthy and happy.  We are offering you a life of convenience and luxury and one day you will rule as King of our fair kingdom.  All you have to do is pick a bride of one of our five lovely daughters.  You have wandered into paradise my friend."

"You want me to marry one of yer daughters?  I dunno.. . . . That one is too skinny,  that one has a horse-face, you might as well put a feeding trough in front of porky there and I am positive that that one is retarded.  What else ya got?"

The Queen fell over backwards in a dramatic faint.  The King stared wide eyed unspeaking.  The Princesses burst into tears and ran from the throne room  Dick looked uninterested.  "So, you wants some carpet or what!?  Shamford's Quality Carpets has been producing quality carpets for over 50 years.  Time is money asshole.  Ya wants some carpets?"  The King, his spirit utterly broken, put in a very large order for new carpets in the castle.

Years later, with still no suitors, the King, bowing to the pressures of his lecherous brother, allowed him to marry his oldest daughter.  Their first born was a unibrowed monstrosity with three functional arms.  The grandson would eventually murder the royal family with his bare hands becoming infamously known throughout the realm as the Cannibal King.

Dick Scustin is still out there, banging on doors, swearing at the elderly, screaming at children and selling his carpets.  They are quality carpets.

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