Sunday, August 28, 2011

Popular Irony Journal of Medicine: Venereal Disease Edition

Medical advancements in wiener and cooter ailments have allowed for the documentation of several new classifications of venereal diseases.  Most of this recent proliferation of new STDs is directly attributable to a statistical rise in sexual ferocity among unclean men and women living in public parks and sewers, resulting in government grants for research in the field.  Of the new diseases a profile is included for those that occur in >0.005% of the tested demographic.

The infected mass is crowning
Vaginal Ichthinosia commonly known as "Carpet Rot" has been linked to promiscuous activity on soiled high school wrestling mats.  It appears to be a variety of staph infection that is limited to the vaginal wall, and causes regular discharges of steaming mass.  Treatment is best left to medical professionals, and when diagnosed should be admitted immediately for a saline pressure cleaning.

Withercock can startle your partner
Necrophallitis  also called "Withercock" is the best documented of the three ailments here.  All known cases are directly caused by chronic masturbation in males employed in the sanitation industry.  Mostly septic and sewer workers, but also prevalent in plumbers, the symptoms include a "degloving" effect, with the skin coming lose from the base of the penis and detaching entirely.  It's onset can be surprisingly fast, necessitating immediate medical attention.  The cruel truth is that the embarrassment of the inflicted results in irreparable damage before proper attention is sought.

Liberal application of salt works wonders.
Arilomax phagephallus  There is some controversy about the inclusion of a parasite in the category of venereal diseases, but with it's sole method of transmission being sexual activity it is being profiled as an STD.  It is unknown what lays the eggs in the great lakes of North America, but male divers in the region sometimes contract dormant eggs in their urethra, staying attached until they are released during sexual intercourse.  The eggs pupate into a deeply embedded parasitic slug on the vaginal wall.  Diagnosis by a medical professional is important because extraction seems deceptively simple, but unless burned with salt the slug will release a painful venom that can incapacitate the victim for days.

Pending further research we will offer updates in the field of venereal diseases in future volumes, as well as profiles of other upcoming prolific horrifying ailments.

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