Sunday, August 28, 2011

The True Story of Noah's Ark

Father Dunson Gramalazzo
Hello everyone, sorry about being late again.  As you can see I now have a double case of the pink-eye.  It seems that I was allergic to the eyedrops That Dr. O'Neil provided for me.  Thank you Dr. O'Neil,  no, no sit down Dr. O'Neil. I was being sarcastic.  You are a terrible Doctor.  So the allergic reaction weakened my eyeball's immunity and now I've got double pinkeye.  It won't stop twitching and .  I . . . can't . . . . . stop . .  ruuuuubing theemm ahhhhhhh.  Well, where did you all get to without me?  

Ok,   let's see. . . .   Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of mercy, our light, our sweetness, and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. . . . . . . .   Am I boring you Joey Turner?  Yes, you Joey Turner. . . What do you have there?  An Iphone?        Are you playing that new Angry Birds? . . . . . .  Do you know who's anger you should be looking out for?  God.  God's wrath is not some shit to trifle with Joey Turner.  I am really disappointed in your parenting Mrs. Turner.  Joey, as a direct result of your inane oafishness I am going to regale you with an example of God's wrath, as a warning.   This is the last fucking straw Joey Turner.

Way back in the days before Super-Jesus burned the sin out of Galilee with his Holy Laser Eyes.  Long before Judas hollowed out that obese Roman Senator and wore him as a skin-suit.  Even before Moses and the Jews battle the Evil Whorde, the roaming horde of demon possessed whores.  Before all that bullshit, there was Noah.  

So God is up there watching his humans.  He gazed disappointed, the sons and daughters of Adam were filthy, uneducated and violent.  The majority of them spend their time screwing, drinking a strong alcoholic beverage brewed from mushrooms and apples and sleeping in the dirt.  

God saw what a bunch of fuck-ups those created in his image had become and he saw what a shit job they did taking care of the earth.

God watched all these little douchebags lying, cheating, killing, raping, maiming, cannibalizing, necropheliating and rapant beastialitizing.   He saw that maybe he fucked this batch up a little bit.  God figured that is was easier to start over than try to fix something that was already broken.

So God decided to flood the entire earth and drown out all the scum and villainy to make way for the new "Perfect Being".  God powered up his rain machine and set it to maximum output.  The rain machine ran on plutonium, of which God had just enough to cover the earth for 40 days and 40 nights.  "This should be easy" Thought God, "I can't imagine I would need any more Plutonium anyway."

Little did God know, there was a single human inadvertently prepared for the forthcoming deluge.  His name was Noah, the owner and proprietor of "Noah's Crazy Animal Sex Ark and Pleasure Palace".  It was an "anything goes" sex club that ran on the gimmick of it being inside a giant boat.  For some reason it worked.  It was the most successful of the multiple sex clubs in the region. 

Noah's slogan was "Two of Every Animal".  People came from miles around to see the zoo and for an extra price, take a "special ride" on the animal of your choice.  It was a family business ran by Noah his wife, his three sons; Shem, Ham, and Japheth and their wives. 

Suddenly the rain started pouring.  God knew that the flood would take care of his problem so he set to designing his new "Perfect Being" which will inherit his new earth.  God did not notice that when the flood waters rose, a boatload of perversion and sin rose with it.  

Noah and his family all lived inside the ark with the reeking animals.  The waters rose quickly tossing the boat back and forth.  Between bouts of vomiting and being sloshed with animal waste, Noah wondered "Is this boat even really seaworthy?"  The boat had slow leaks and had the be emptied frequently.  Noah's family took turns on bucket lines of seawater and animal shit, dumping them overboard.  

After several weeks, the inside of the boat was a complete hell hole.  Nobody could differentiate where the feces ended and anything else began.  Many wonderful animal species were lost to disease or overwhelming depression.   Suddenly the boat struck something.  Noah climbed onto the deck  and saw that the rain had finally stopped and the boat was stuck on top of a steep fucking mountain. 

God heard his rain machine finally run out of plutonium and shut off.  It was good timing, God had just finished his "Perfect Being" and was eager to get them started on the earth.  His new creation was kinder, gentler and devoid of aggression and sexual impulse.  It was a being based on peace and love.  "I can't wait to see these fuckers in action" thought God.

God set up his new creations with a lush, verdant valley.  His new people set quickly to work, farming, exploring and most of all, learning.  God was proud.  Feeling that the earth was in good shape, he turned his attention to building other planets in the galaxy.  He would check on earth in a few thousand years.

God left a little too early.  His did not notice that several humans and many animals survived his great flood.  Noah's descendants grew in number rapidly.  The inbred legion swept across the land consuming all in its wake.  

Over the years, God's new creations had created a utopian society.  A great city, a true site to behold.  There was no illness and everyone was utterly content.  At least they were.  Within days of being spotted by the humans, the city was overrun.  The "Perfect Beings" were raped, disemboweled and eaten.  They stood no chance against the murderous cannibal army.

The "Perfect Beings" extinct, the humans moved into the great city.  They rediscovered a form of "Society" and moved from constantly killing each other to occasionally.  The humans reproduced for thousands of years and here we are.  Woopty doo!

God probably thinks that we are all his new creations and that he fucked up again.  If God was ever to find out that we are those fucking flawed ass humans he tried to flush out of existence all those years ago, he would be pissed.  What do you think he would do to you Joey Turner?  Thank goodness God blamed himself and created Jesus to go down and fix his mistakes.  And, Ta-Da! Catholicism.  

Well I hope you enjoyed the classic story of Noah's Ark.  If anyone has any recommendations for a new doctor, I would appreciate it.  Don't look at me like that Dr. O'Neil, you know you done fucked up.

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