Monday, August 15, 2011

When Jesus Conquered The Minotaur

Father Dunson Gramalazzo
Soul of Christ, make me holy. Body of Christ, save me. Blood of Christ, fill me with love. Water from Christ’s side, wash me. Passion of Christ, strengthen me,........ um speaking of Jesus, this totally reminds me of an wonderful part of the Bible that not too many Priests find the time talk about.  I don't know why.  It is one of my favorite parts of Bib.  Bib is short for "the Bible".  I like to keep it short and hip like the kids, you know.  This, my loyal flock, is the epic tale of when Jesus Fought The Minotaur.

It was pleasant summer day in Capernaum.  Jesus was enjoying the sunshine with a nice stroll through the marketplace.  A trail of lepers followed him begging for his healing touch.  "I can't just go around healing leprosy willy nilly" said Jesus "that shit takes some fucking prep, fuck off you rotting fucking leaches!"  

God only gives Jesus so much of each power.  If he wasted it on all these peasant lepers he wouldn't have any left for some important lepers.  "If only there was a way to kill leprosy at it's source without using my Father's dark magics." thought Jesus.  "But what is the cause of this dastardly disease?"  Frustrated, Jesus walked into the closest, dirtiest bar.

Not even the gentle proddings of Capernaum's finest prostitutes could distract Jesus from his ponderings.  He sat at a table fixedly staring at his ceramic bowl of booze.  A disproportionately plump whore took Jesus' hand. "C'mon Jeezes, why not take that holy todger out an cram it up me gunny?  This one's on the house." 

Jesus was not having it, he was normally very respectful to the local street walkers but he did not have the patience tonight.  Shouting "Get your stinking sausage paws off me you fetid pig herpe!" and a firm backhand was all it took to give Jesus his privacy.  Whores scattered like hobo teeth leaving a solemn Jesus clenching his jaw in frustration.

"Everybody knows that Romans cause syphilis, Jews cause headaches and Zoroastrians cause Cockbloom, but where does leprosy come from?"  Jesus thought aloud.  

A cloaked figure approached the table, it's face hidden behind a veil.  A low croaking voice said "I know of which how the why of the Lepers affliction." 

"What the fuck did you garble at me?" Barked Jesus

"I sorry,  I have no had time a much of learning the speak of Aramaic.... I try of be saying,  I know why the Leprosy go."  Mumbled the intimidated old man.

"You know who causes that shit?  Well fucking tell me asshole, I don't have all fucking day."  

"This knowledge is worth what to be value to you?  Gold, I am in need of in exchange."  Said the old man.

Jesus quickly rose from the table and gripping the old man's shoulder. *POP* he dislocated it.  "Do you know who I fucking am?  Do you know who my father is?  Do you know what I could FUCKING DO TO YOU?!!  TELL ME!"  

Holding his shoulder the old man screamed "THE MINOTAUR!  MINOTAUR MAKE LEPEROSY!"

"See was that so hard?" said Jesus.  "Monty! get this old man something to drink and put it on my tab."  The old man sat quietly crying.

"The Minotaur eh?" thought Jesus.  "I have not seen that handsome motherfucker in years."  Jesus started walking east of town.  Several hours later he approached a ramshackle structure made of dung.  

"You in there Barny!?"  Bellowed Jesus.

The ground started to shake.  Layers of dung started to tumble off of the structure with each shake.  Jesus confidently stood his ground, staring straight ahead.  Jesus knew that the sound was the thunderous footfalls of the great Minotaur.  The thundering stopped and the door of the dung hut slowly opened revealing the very short, very obese body of a man with the head of a bull and the voice of eunuch.

"Oooh, hey Jesus, long time no see.  What brings the handsome son of God to my humble dungstep?"  Excitedly whispered the Minotaur.

"Good to see your bull-face, Barney.  Some skeezy old man in the town told me that you have been causing all of that leperosy that's been going around.  What have you been up to Barney?" Cordially questioned Jesus.

"Oh Jesus, you know me.  I contracted something on one of my road trips.  I got it from some dark skinned, slant eyed dream boat out east.  It just makes me itchy, but all of my clients seem to get it a little worse, bits falling off and such."  

"Because we are old friends, I am gonna let this one slide.  But please have them wrap it up in a lambskin or something.  I only have a couple more cures for leprosy left and those lepers are getting fucking annoying"  Said Jesus.

"Well don't you go using your magic cure on me now, Jesus.  I loves the itchy scratching.  So satisfying.  Besides all the men in town are well aware that they can catch it from me.  But, as you know, the Minotaur Triple Poon is irresistible."  Lisped Barney.

"Don't I know it.  The triple poon is one of my father's greatest creations.  How about a quick one for old time sake?  I could always use one of those cures on me." said Jesus.

"Oh you rascal Jesus!  Of course.  But not a quick one.  The son of God deserves a go around with all three poons."  Giggled Barney.

And Jesus humped and humped at the Minotaur's triple poon all night long.  I think we can all derive a valuable lesson from that, my loyal sheeplings.  I encourage all of you to discuss Jesus' adventure at length at the supper table tonight.  Now where was I?  Oh yes....  At the hour of my death, call me, and tell me to come to you that with your saints I may praise you through all eternity. Amen. 


See you all next week for our Crazy Catholic Carwash and Bake Sale.  There will also be a meat raffle so save up some freezer space!  

1 comment:

  1. I just said the be-born-again prayer . . . Um . . . 1. does that make me a Catholic and 2. do I need to go down to the clinic to get it checked out now?