Thursday, August 25, 2011

Masturbation Enthusiast Monthly

 Welcome, all!  This is the world's only forum for the masturbation connoisseurs the world over, celebrating six years of excellence in the field of self love.  Our mission is simple, to change the perception of masturbation in the public at large, and fight for masturbator's civil rights, such as the right to masturbate in public restrooms, or in crowded elevators.  And above all, published with the interests of the one handed reader in mind.

Our personal successes have been many and our political successes few, but we feel that with the masturbation populace between 95% and 99% we need only to appeal to the rational jackoff artist in each of us.  So whether you are flicking the bean, or punching the clown, we have something here for almost everyone on earth! 

First we share some brief testimonials from some of our faithful subscribers.  Occasionally masturbation can change our lives forever, and these people decided to share their stories with us.

"When attending a PTA meeting I walked in on my son's geography teacher masturbating furiously in the restroom.  We shared a laugh, and my son got straight A's!" - Gill Wesley, PA

"Once I discovered the secret edge for symmetrical forearm size in competitive bodybuilding I won eleven world titles!  My secret? Alternating hand masturbation techniques!" - Pal Chimple, NV

"After I overcame the shame of my body and began masturbating openly my life improved dramatically.  I got promoted at work, started dating every week, and got out of four traffic tickets!"  Michelle Humer, MI
And finally we have a few new masturbation methods developed by the finest autoerotic artisans the world over.  Enjoy the delights of the only always consensual, always disease free, always satisfying form of sexual activity in existence. 

The "Bad Boy" Beatoff:  This example comes to us from the sexually repressed era of religious fundamentalism in Europe.  At the time even ACTUAL sex was frowned upon, and the resulting drop in birth rates made finding suitable partners a frustrating enterprise.  This led to an explosion on masturbation innovation, with this being a rare surviving example.  Make your next jackoff a historic journey with this method!

The Abusive Approach:  Try out this great modern adaptation on our favorite personal pastime!  This one put pain in the pleasure pool, where the S&M stands for Self and Me.  Just drag the week's unkempt growth of fingernails across the shaft thusly, rough but gentle enough to avoid boner-wounds.  And after that infamous Jonas Brothers incident, we don't have to tell you haw badly wounded wieners can bleed.  So stay safe out there!

See you next month!  We know you will find something to occupy your time...

1 comment:

  1. sign me up

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    Please sign me up. Thank you.