Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Learnerning


In my village my GrandUncle has the grandiose responsibility of  holding court over all "of age" male childlings of the village.  It is my dear GrandUncle's inherited duty to teach the childings of the lessons of the deathly dangers of adultment.   My GrandUncle is a horribly deformed man and the lessons are gut wrenchingly terrifying,  The ritual is called "The Great Learnerning".  Once a year, every childling who has reached the Learnerning age must trek to the Cabin of Uninformed Discontent.  There they  must  strap themselves into the Learnerning Harnesses  of Truth.  The childlings must stay strapped in and silent until my GrandUncle arrives the following evening.  Any childling who hath soiled the Learnerning Harnass is banished to toil the next year in the pigeon fields.  Scooping pigeon dung and pampering any well deserving pigeons with pealed grapes and tales of pigeonly beauty.  The next year, the banished one may once again clench it's bowel in a leather and metal harness  awaiting the procurement of the knowledge only my  precious GrandUncle can bestow. 

Villagers Celebrating the season of The Learnerning

The Childlings who survive the putrid, urine reeking evening in the Learnerning Cabin can move to the next "to be" learned lesson, Humility.  The proudest of the childlings are instructed to gather scattered grains of rice.  For every grain they procure my GrandUncle tosses down several more.  This ritual lasts until the childling soils itself or my GrandUncle's boredom becomes overwhelming.  If the childling unwillingly defecates, it is banished to the Pigeon Farms with the other village failures.  The ones who survive are treated to a mouthful of rice pudding and a generous rustling of the hair.

Every man must complete The Learnerning or forever toil in the Pigeon Fields

The Riced Childling is now ready to be strapped back into the Learnerning Harnass for the final secret lesson of Adultment, Pandering.  My GrandUncle removes his holy vestments and reveals to the childlings his Sacred Goiter.  It is a pulsing ball of puss and stench at the base of my GrandUncle's neck.  The childlings must genuinely convince my GrandUncle that his Goiter is a precious gift from the Gods and is a representation of true beauty.  They must butter him and compliment him into a state of sleepy contentment.  My GrandUncle's complacency only lasts mere moments.  This is the only chance for the childlings to graduate from this twisted profesorium.  If the childlings cannot escape from the cabin before my GrandUncle awakes they are profusely beaten and sent to the putrid Pigeon fields.  Any svelte childling that is able to brave the razor spikes and can clamber up the wall to the tiny window of freedom is granted the title of Manling.  The freshly minted Manling is given a ferret and his choice of any bride in the village.  Any childling that cannot escape must fortnightly bathe my filthy GrandUncle until the next cycle of The Learnerning is upon the village.

The Learnerning Harnesses  of Truth  

The path to maturity is paved with many obstacles and if you can avoid the pigeon fields and you don't die of dysentary, adultment is not too bad.

Congratulations!  You have taken a bride!  Thanks Learnerning!!

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