Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Federation Starship USS Hindenburg - Episode 1

Captain's log, stardate 41153.7.

My crew and I are on a 7 year mission that will take us around the perimeter of Federation space, beyond which lies the great unexplored mass of the galaxy. My orders are to explore uncharted sectors, meet new life and civilizations and to bravely venture where nobody has ventured before........

What a bucket of Pig Shit! I know why StarFleet assigned this awful fucking mission to me. It's because I drank too much Andorian Ale at the Federation Gala Ball and I called the Klingon Ambassador a "Shit eating ridge headed space ape". That, and I openly copped a feel on the Vulcan High Priest. I don't know what to tell ya, those white robes are fucking sexy.

So here I am 2 months later. I was "Awarded" the command of this old piece of shit Constitution Class starship. The USS Hindenburg. This thing is older than my fucking grandfather. It's the year 2364 and Starfleet gives me a ship from the 23rd fucking Century. These things were great in Kirk's time but they suck ass now. Right next to us in spacedock was the new USS Enterprise. A brand new Galaxy Class starship. That Commission was almost MINE!! But they give it to that fucking Frenchman Picard. "ooh I like Shakespeare, Earl Grey Hot, Make it so" I hate that fucking guy. He was a prick back in the academy and he is an even bigger prick now. Picard gets the Enterprise and I am swept under the rug on this worthless mission! Fucking Starfleet pricks!

The crew of the Hindenburg are a diverse group of assholes and morons. More undesirables that Starfleet couldn't assign any real responsibility. My crew roster is as follows.

First Officer - Scrotch - Andorian - Male

He is almost worthless. He is an Andorian with 1 antenna shorter than the other. He is always walking at an angle and bumping into walls. He has a really high pitched nasaly voice and he never shuts the fuck up. He never has anything to contribute but bullshit. He is always talking about his fucking mom. She is a Starfleet Admiral. That is the only way this blue shit-pile got anywhere in Starfleet.

Second Officer - Gavf Gacz -Tellarite - ?

What can I say about Lieutenant Gacz. It's just some barely speaking hairy mass in a Starfleet uniform and it smells aweful. It does it's job well but Goddammit does it stink! Nobody knows it's sex and nobody really wants to know.

Third Officer - Burns O'Leary - Human -Male

Burns O'Leary is a former Starfleet boxing champ and Starfleet Astrophysicist. He was the champ for 3 years until he was challenged by a Klingon Warrior with gigantism. No amount of dermal regeneration is going to fix his face. This is a pity assignment for Burns. He can't do much more than pilot the ship. But he actually does that very well for someone with severe brain damage.

Security Chief - Ryan Gonzales - Human - Male

Lieutenant Gonzales is a fucking prick! Nuff Said.

Head Counselor - Fishk -Ferengi - Female

Fishk is a "traditional" Ferengi Female. She is naked at all times. This is good or bad dependent on your taste I suppose. I think she looks like a brown raisin with patches of grey lint. Starfleet understands that it is just part of her culture, so they allow it. That doesn't mean they won't stick her where nobody will see her. On the fucking Hindenburg. I always want to set a towel wherever she is going to sit. Fucking disgusting.

Chief Medical Officer - Ruvack - Vulcan - Male

With zero bedside manner and zero charisma Ruvack runs the ship's sick bay. He obviously hates his job and lets everyone know how unsatisfied he is. He is a staunch Vulcan racist looking down on all other species, especially humans. He finds it logical that since his race is physically and mentally superior to humans, he can act like a fucking smug asshole.

Awwww FUCK!! Five minutes out of spacedock and we have a fucking Red Alert! Goddammit I don't want to deal with this shit! I'll finish the crew roster later.

Captain Touglas Franklin signing off.


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