Monday, August 15, 2011

An Open Letter From Corporate America

Thank you for your attention, ladies and gentlemen. I represent the interests of corporate America, and I wanted to take a few moments of your time to discuss our shared future in this great country.

Times are tough. You are going to see a lot of "statistics" and "evidence" that falsely claim that American corporations are doing better than ever. This is simply not the case. Sure, there are quarterly record profits despite the economic downturn by many corporations, but that is only telling half of the story.

The truth is, we are being strangled by entitlement programs and regulations. And if things continue this way you will see a terrible change in the lives of our beloved corporate executives. No one wants to see these fragile geniuses flying commercial business class, robbing them of their private jets. And imagine an America where the rich have to raise their OWN children, without the help of a meagerly-paid nanny. Tragic.

So I appeal to you all to help preserve this endangered and noble lifestyle. We need to lower the corporate tax rates to 0%. But we have great news... we figured out a way to avoid increasing any other taxes! In order to do this and remain able to pay the national debt, there will need to be some concessions made by working America and the elderly.

Social security is out. To think that we will continue to pay a living wage to people who aren't even working is ridiculous. We will also need to discontinue Medicare and Medicaid, for obvious reasons. We all love our parents and grandparents, but I think they could all learn a valuable lesson from the noble Inuit. Their elderly voluntarily wander into the void when they become a burden. It is a patriotic act.

But to show that we are all in this together, corporate America is planning some changes in the way we do business, as well. For starters, we will do away all safety regulations in the workplace. No longer will the government interfere with the way the American worker is trained, or how their job is performed. Naturally we would need to end workman's compensation in this environment of personal accountability.

In closing, it is important to remember that wealth is passed down through generations, just as the Crown does in England. We should treat these few with equal reverence, as they are the closest our country has to royalty. And the next time you reach into your wallet to buy food for your family, ask yourself... Couldn't this money be better spent on 20 seconds of corporate jet fuel? Now here's how can YOU help save the endangered corporate executive. Just remember this little rhyme: "Tell the American people where to stick it, and vote an all republican ticket!"

Thank you for your time... And money.

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