Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Federation Starship USS Hindenburg - Episode 2

Captain's log, stardate 41209.2.

Well that was fun.  Just as everybody starts to get settled in, Burns tries to jump into warp without the deflector array turned on.  He said "oopshy" and jumped out of warp immediately, but it left the Hindenburg full of tiny fucking pinhole hull fractures.  I swear to Christ I could have bashed his idiot head in if he wasn't already drooling on the console.  We have spent the last two weeks back in spacedock getting our Goddamned hull repaired.  Starfleet assures me that Burns is a perfectly capable pilot and he will excel under my expert tutelage.  Anything to keep me from sending him back to them.

This mission looks to be a death cruise.  I have been stuck with a crew of 200 of Starfleet's greatest failures.  Every member was either booted off another Starship for insubordination or they just barely graduated from the academy.  Anything in a Starfleet uniform that does not meet the standard Terran/Vulcan ideals for a Starfleet officer is here.  I have more non-humanoid crew members than all other Starfleet vessels combined.  So many of them smell so fucking awful.  Walking through Engineering smells like walking through a sulfur marsh full of wet dogs. 

That reminds me I still need to finish recording the damned crew roster.  There are only a couple more members worth mentioning at this time.

Science Officer - Julia Resterson - Human - Female

Finally somebody who is not a complete waste of flesh.  Julia is an attractive human woman from Miami, Fl, Earth.  She is smart and funny and I have no idea why she is on this ship.  She must have pissed off the wrong person at Starfleet.  This is one of the only people on this ship I look forward to working with.  Well, her and her two friends at least. heh heh.  By that I mean her two normal human breasts.  She has already slapped me once.

Chief Engineering (literally) - Amorphous Blob? - Amorphous Blob Race? - Asexual?

I have no idea when a species of intelligent blobs of goo became members of the Federation.  But they did.  The Amorphous Blob, or Blobby as I like to call him, is a one creature engineering crew.  It fills engineering with both it's mass and it's reeking sulfur stench.  My second officer is the only other member of my crew who spends time in Engineering with Blobby.  He seems to like the smell.  Amazingly enough it does keep this octogenarian starship running like new though.  The Universal translator does not work on it, so communication with Blobby is a bitch.  There are two lights on my console.  Green blinks for yes and red for no.  It makes it pretty fucking hard when I actually need a detailed response.  Gavf spends a lot of time with Blobby so he can translate some of it's gooshing and squishing sounds.  But that doesn't help much because I can barely understand Gavf.

Yeoman - The Gorn - Gorn - 3 males 1 female

The Federation is trying to butter the Gorn's bread with this bullshit.  As part of continuing peace efforts a cultural exchange was set up with the Gorn Hegemony.  They get a few of our Starfleet boys and we get a few of theirs.  The four Gorn are all from the same family unit.  There is a young male and female that I assumed are married or bonded or what the fuck ever they call it.  There is another male who is heavily scarred and missing an eye.  And last but not least is Lil' Shithead.  An elderly Gorn who stands around 3 feet tall.  It is the only Gorn that will speak to the other non-Gorn crew.  Lil' Shithead never stops asking the most mundane questions and he is constantly laughing at and taunting other specie's cultural differences.  I have a good example, last week I was in the Spacedock mess hall having a bowl of Chili.  Good old Earth Chili.  Lil' Shithead comes up and asks "What are you eating? Is it delicious? Why is it red?  Do you only eat the chili?  Does it have meat?  Is the meat cooked?  You eat cooked meat?  You are like a baby doll!"  Then the little shit proceeds to laugh pointing and gesturing.  I hate this little bastard so much.  Discipline does not work with the Lil' Shithead.  He gets off on it, literally.  I try to avoid raising my voice around Lil' Shithead, seeing a midget Gorn with an immense, scaly erection once was enough.  The Gorn all work in the docking bays and transporter rooms.  They are a pain in the ass but they are also strong and efficient workers.  They can move cargo without anti-grav sleds and besides Lil' Shithead, they keep out of the way. 

There are so many more monstrosities aboard my Starship that it upsets me to think about it.  I need another fucking drink.


Oh for fuck's sake it's my combadge.  Scrotch sounds like he speaks through his sinuses.   *What is it Scrotch?*

*We have been given the go ahead to exit Spacedock Captain........  Do we have to go Captain?*

*Yes Scrotch We have to fucking go.  Do you want to get a fucking dishonorable discharge and get sent to some God forsaken prison planet?  DO YOU!?*

*I guess not Captain*

*I will be on the bridge shortly.  Make sure that Burns turns on the fucking deflector array this time.*

Captain Touglas Franklin signing off.


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